FUGUE
by Patcat
Summary: A very dark ride.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

A dark fog surrounded him. Pain was everywhere, even on the soles of his feet, but most intently in his head and ribs. He sensed that, as bad as it was, the pain could be worse; his body also felt numb and he thought he might be on some powerful painkillers. The fog lessened, and he realized he was warm—blessedly, wonderfully warm—and he rested on soft, clean sheets. He seemed to be restrained, but whatever held him was gentle. He blinked, and a hand tenderly touched him. "Bobby?" A sweet voice whispered. "Are you waking up? Can you hear me?"

He blinked again, and discovered he couldn't quite open his right eye. A young, beautiful face framed by soft wisps of blonde hair and anchored by hazel eyes leaned over him. The blonde hair sent inexplicable waves of fear through him, but the vaguely familiar eyes and voice inspired his trust. But who was this woman? And who was this Bobby?

"Here," she said gently, and she raised a cup with a straw to his mouth. The water was cool and soothing, and he sipped it gratefully. His throat felt as if he hadn't had much to drink for some time.

"Thank you," he said hoarsely.

"It's ok." She seemed enormously relieved. He felt a strong, intense connection with this woman, but he didn't know why. Did he love her? Was she his wife? Who was she? And terror struck him as he realized he had no idea who he was.

She gripped his arm as the panic seized him. "Bobby…what is it? Should I get a nurse?"

"Please," he gasped. "Who…who are you? Who am I?"

End Chapter 1


	2. Chapter 2

As I wrote, this will be a very dark ride. Thanks to the people at Amorous Intent and blucougar who provided the inspiration and courage, although they may not want to take any credit for this thing.

Chapter 2

For a few moments, Alex stared at Bobby, unable to hide her fear and confusion. Sensing his panic, she recovered and gave his arm what she hoped was a reassuring squeeze.

"Your name," she said in a voice sounding far calmer than she felt, "is Bobby…Bobby Goren…and I'm Alex…Alex Eames."

Her voice eased and comforted him, but confusion reigned in his mind.

"I'm…sorry…sorry," he said, and he truly was. Although he couldn't remember her, he hated that he seemed to be the cause of the terrible fear in her eyes. "I can't…don't remember…"

"It's ok." She seemed to attempt to reassure herself as much as him. "You've….been through…" She struggled for a moment. "A lot…I'll get a nurse…"

"No…please." He winced as his body protested at his sudden movement. He reached for her hand and clung to the connection he felt with her. "I…I'm…I'm scared," he admitted.

Alex reached to push the button to summon the nurse. "I won't leave you…I promise."

Within a few moments, doctors and nurses surrounded Bobby's bed. A deeply troubled Alex stood in the doorway to his room where Bobby could still see her. His frightened eyes remained focused on her even as he answered questions.

"Alex." She barely turned to acknowledge the presence of Captain James Deakins. "I came back as soon as I could…He's awake?"

"Yes…but…" She bit her lip. What she was about to say was ridiculous and melodramatic. "He doesn't remember…" She paused.

"What happened?" Deakins frowned. "That would be bad for the case…but considering everything it might be good for him."

Alex shook her head. "It's worse…he can't remember who he is…who I am…anything…"

"He has amnesia?" Deakins asked in disbelief.

"It appears he has a form of amnesia." Dr. George Huang had separated from the flock of doctors and nurses. "He certainly has some severe memory loss…but it's too soon to tell if it's the result of physical or emotional trauma or a combination of both."

Deakins looked at Bobby as he considered Huang's words. He had been impressed both by Don Cragen's opinion of the psychiatrist and the speed with which Huang had arrived at the hospital. "You don't think it's physical," Deakins said. Alex shivered.

Huang replied quietly. "Detective Goren has a lot of injuries…something might have been missed…and more tests will be done…but I…and the other doctors are leaning to this being a reaction to the terrible physical and emotional ordeal he suffered…and is suffering." Huang sighed. "In some ways, it's a natural, logical reaction on the part of a mind…especially an intelligent and sensitive one…It can't deal with something, so it shuts down until it can."

Alex wrapped her arms tightly around her. "How long?" she asked.

"It could be hours…days…weeks…but usually only a few days," Huang replied

"But…it could be…he might not…" Alex couldn't finish the thought.

"It's rare for it to be permanent," Huang said quickly. "And it's rare to begin with."

"Can't we just tell him…" Alex struggled with her desperation.

Huang shook his head. "Telling him too much…too soon…could have very bad results…"

Alex broke her eye contact with Bobby and looked at Huang with pleading eyes. "So, what do we do? What do we tell him when he asks us questions?"

Deakins placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"The truth," Huang said quietly. "But not too many details…especially about how he got here…"

"Doctor, we're talking about Robert Goren here," Deakins said. "He will put things together…unless…" Deakins winced at his thought. "He's not…mentally impaired…"

Alex stiffened, terrified at the thought of that brilliant mind crippled.

"That doesn't seem to be a problem." A wan smile appeared on Huang's face. "One of the nurses said something to me in Chinese…Detective Goren responded to it immediately…He even appears to know a fair amount about the condition from which he's suffering…" Huang looked back at Bobby; the doctors and nurses were shuffling away from his bed. "It's quite possible that he'll wake up tomorrow and remember everything…"

"Which would be wonderful and awful," Alex said softly.

Huang nodded sadly. "But we'll do everything we can for him…I promise you."

Huang left with the other doctors; only one nurse remained to adjust Bobby's IV and bed. She paused by Alex and Deakins as she left the room.

"He'll probably fall asleep soon…he's on some very strong painkillers…and he's exhausted." The nursed turned back to look at Bobby. "He seems to be a very good, kind man. We'll take good care of him."

Alex nodded; her voice caught in her throat.

"Thank you," Deakins said.

They moved to Bobby's bed. He was struggling to stay awake, but managed to look at Deakins with some curiosity.

"I'm…sorry," he finally said. "I…I know…I know I should know you…and I trust you…but I don't know who you are…"

"It's all right, Bobby." Deakins' voice was thick. "Just get some rest…things will be better…"

Bobby turned his head to look at Alex. "I…could you…" He blinked.

"I'll stay…don't worry," Alex said. She laid a hand over his.

"Thank you," Bobby said as he slipped into sleep. He was terribly pale, his skin nearly as white as the bandages covering his head and body.

"One of the most brilliant minds I've ever known," Deakins said. "And it's lost inside itself."

"Oh, Bobby," Alex thought. "How did we…I…let this happen to you?"

"Alex," Deakins said as if he could read her mind. "Don't beat yourself up over this. If you'd been there…been hurt…or caught with him…it would be much worse for him."

End Chapter Two


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Standard. Good Grief, I hope Dick Wolf never puts them through anything like this.

This story was written in early 2006. A shout out to blucougar, who inspired this (she may regret this) and the people at amorous intent. This is a very dark ride. You have been warned.

Chapter Three

For the next few days Alex spent much of her life next to Bobby's bed. In addition to the memory loss and the fear resulting from it, Bobby also suffered terribly physically. Both shoulders were dislocated; several ribs were broken; his back was a mass of bruises and welts; there were deep, angry cuts on his wrists and ankles; there were pulled and torn muscles throughout his body; even the soles of his feet were dotted with burns; exposure to cold had left him with pneumonia. His injuries were so numerous and severe that doctors and nurses from the hospital's unit dealing with torture victims were helping with Bobby's case; one of those extraordinarily dedicated and gentle souls quietly told Alex that Bobby's was one of the worst cases he'd seen.

"Whoever did this," he said, "must hate him a great deal."

"She does," Alex said.

And soon after a battered and beaten Bobby arrived at the hospital a sad-eyed doctor had pulled Deakins away. Alex watched as her captain's face grew grey and drawn. He disappeared for several moments; a short time later Dr. George Huang appeared and slipped into the room where Bobby was being treated.

"No," Alex thought. She knew Huang in passing and that he worked with the Special Victims Unit. "Please no…not with everything else…"

It was Huang, standing with a grim-faced Deakins, who confirmed her worst fears.

"Detective Goren was raped," he said as calmly as he could. "Very brutally."

The world went grey in front of Alex and her knees refused to support her. When her head cleared, she was sitting on a couch with Deakins and Huang on either side of her.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "It's just…"

"It's all right, Alex." Deakins' voice was strong and comforting. "I felt the same way when I heard…"

She discovered that she was clinging to her captain's arm. "I think…I knew…when we found him…but I didn't want to…" She shivered.

Bobby had lain in oblivion for two days before waking in his lost state in the hospital. At one point during her vigil at his bedside, Huang had gently drawn her from Bobby's room to a small and quiet office.

"I know it's difficult for you," he said handing her a cup of coffee, "but I need to know what happened…how you found Detective Goren…" He sat quietly across a desk from her.

Alex rested her arms on the desk and tightly gripped the cup. "There's one perp…"

"Nicole Wallace," Huang said. "Your captain gave me her file…"

Alex, grateful she didn't have to go over the details of Nicole Wallace's history, nodded. "We received some tips about her…they seemed legitimate…but we were both suspicious…he wanted to meet with us…but there were all of these conditions…he wanted us to come alone to an isolated spot…we were bargaining…" She took a long drink of coffee.

"About two weeks ago, I came into work…Bobby wasn't there…" She looked at Huang. "Bobby is always there…he always tells me…lets me know if he's going to be late…I knew something was wrong…but there was this strange message on my office phone…" She pulled at the rim of the cup with her finger. "It was Bobby…but he sounded…it was wrong…and…like a lot of partners…we have code words for when we're in trouble…and he used them…and when the message ended…it sounded like he was cut off…" She paused.

"What was the message?" Huang asked gently.

"He wanted me to meet him…this address…" Alex gave Huang a weak smile. "Of course I'm not stupid…I went straight to Deakins…he sent Logan and Barek and some uniforms with me…the address was a building under renovation…we went in…very carefully…" She took a deep breath. "No Bobby…but signs of a struggle…and that someone left in a hurry…and some blood…"

"Detective Goren's?" Huang spoke softly and to give Alex encouragement.

She nodded. "But…we couldn't find him…the entire NYPD was on alert…and we couldn't find him…" Alex leaned forward. "The next two days…not knowing if he was alive…or dead…or what was happening to him…" She struggled to control her voice. "There was another message on my phone that day…" She looked at Huang. "You know…about Bobby's mother…"

Huang nodded.

"It was from Carmel Ridge…she was missing…And then…Barek discovered the building was owned by Wallace's ex-husband…and she found several others in the area owned by him…" Alex sipped her coffee. "We started searching them…and in the third building…" She closed her eyes. "It was in the basement…it was so cold…and dark…and I found them."

End Chapter Three


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Standard

Thanks everyone, for the nice comments. I'm not good at responding to reviews, especially good ones (it's an Irish Catholic thing, I think), but I do appreciate them.

Remember, I said it was a dark ride. What happened to Bobby.

Chapter Four

Alex shivered. In her mind, she was again outside that heavy, dark door in that dim, cold basement. A terrible, familiar scent reached her.

"Logan…Barek," she called. The two detectives were immediately at her side.

"Blood," Barek said quietly.

Logan and Alex nodded, and Logan cautiously tested the door knob. To their surprise, it turned; Logan, his gun drawn, pushed the door open. The detectives' flashlights swept the room.

"Oh, God!" Alex cried and started to rush forward.

Logan caught her. "Easy, Eames…be careful…"

The beams found the body of an elderly woman, her grey hair mixing with the blood from her slashed throat to create a ghastly halo around her body. A few feet away, cruelly suspended from the ceiling, Bobby Goren's naked body hung. His arms were handcuffed and tied behind him; his legs bent back so that his bound ankles were tied to his wrists. A rope tied to his wrists and ankles snaked through a hook in the ceiling to another hook on the wall. Bobby's head hung down so that Alex could see that blood matted his hair.

The three detectives heard a terrible, muffled moan. Alex broke from Logan's grip and, nearly slipping on the bloody floor, ran to Bobby.

"He's alive!" she screamed. "Get him down!"

"Bobby," she said desperately and touched his bruised cheek. She heard Barek calling for an ambulance. "Oh, Bobby…" Alex removed the gag from his mouth as quickly and gently as she could.

Bobby cried out weakly in pain as Logan and Barek lowered him. The three detectives worked franticly to free him from his bonds; one of their keys fortunately released the handcuffs. Alex tried to hold and comfort him as spasms of pain wracked his body. The three detectives were appalled at his injuries. His ankles were raw and bleeding; his wrists bleeding from cuts. Welts and bruises covered his back, and blood ran down his legs.

"Here," Logan said as he shed his coat. "Get this over him."

Deakins, white-faced and anxious, appeared in the doorway. "Did you find…Oh, God…" He glimpsed Bobby's body just as Barek gently draped Logan's coat over him.

Alex sat with Bobby's head resting in her lap. He struggled to speak. Barek touched a few drops of water to Bobby's lips; he licked them, and she raised the bottle to his lips.

"Easy," Barek said as he sipped the water. "Not too fast…"

"Bobby," Deakins said. "Hang on…the ambulance is coming…please hang on…"

Bobby looked up at Alex; the physical and emotional torment in his eyes wrenched her heart. "I…I knew…you'd come…if I could hold on…"

"Bobby," she said, struggling to control her voice, "don't talk…"

"Nicole…she…organized it."

Rage and fear swept through Alex. "I'll kill her," she thought. "I don't care what the cost…I'll kill her…"

A wave of pain swept through Bobby; Alex tried to hold him without increasing his suffering.

"My mom…" Bobby gasped and turned his head. "Mom…" he cried at the sight of his mother's body. "No…no…I'm sorry…sorry…I couldn't help you…never could help you…"

Alex heard sirens. "Bobby…you're safe now…we're going to help you…"

"Mom…Mom…Mommy…Mommy…" Bobby weakly cried. Alex held him as unconsciousness mercifully took him.

End Chapter Four


	5. Chapter 5

Again, thanks for the reviews. The dark ride continues.

Chapter Five

They told them his name was Bobby Goren, and he had no reason not to believe them. They showed him his driver's license, and he held it up next to the mirror to compare the photo with his reflection, but the name and face meant nothing to him. He was puzzled and troubled by the constant presence of at least one uniformed police officer outside his room, and finally found the courage to ask the woman called Alex about it.

"Did I," he asked dreading the answer, "do something wrong? Am I a bad person?"

She smiled sadly. "No, nothing like that."

He thought for a moment. "It's to protect me…"

He saw the fear in her eyes. "Yes," she said quietly.

"I…someone…the reason I'm hurt and in the hospital…someone attacked me." It was a statement and not a question.

She placed her hand over his. "Yes."

He stared out the window for a few moments; Alex held her breath.

"I…I don't…can't remember…" He looked back at her.

"It's ok," she said and squeezed his hand.

Everyone was very kind, even the physical therapists that made him go through torturous exercises. The nurses treated him like a prince, laughing at his jokes, occasionally reading to him--his head still hurt if he read too much, although the doctors told him this would get better--gently teasing him. He had visitors, and while he welcomed them, the pain in their eyes when he couldn't remember them broke his heart. He did have a vague sense of knowing them and remembered their names after they were introduced. There was an endless stream of doctors, of course; Bobby liked Dr. Huang best, but a doctor named Shimo occasionally appeared, and Bobby felt he should know him. There was the curly haired man with glasses named Lewis, who, after the initial shock at Bobby's failure to recognize him, showed him photos of cars in various stages of reconstruction. Bobby was surprised and delighted when he was able to offer several suggestions for work on the vehicles. There was the tall, dark haired man called Logan, who seemed awkward and ill at ease during his first visit until Bobby shyly asked him to read to him. There was the soft voiced, pretty, dark haired woman named Barek who brought him flowers and tea and wonderful cookies, and the dignified black man with a magnificent voice named Carver who brought him books and magazines. There was the grey haired man named Deakins who talked to him about baseball and told him not to worry about anything.

And there was Alex. His heart leaped when he saw her, and, no matter how great his fear or pain, it lessened when she was near him. He thought that he must love her, but they didn't seem to be married or involved. He again finally found the courage to ask her.

"Are we…" Bobby stared down at his blanket. "How are we connected?"

"We're partners…friends." She seemed to be trying to avoid his eyes.

"Partners…" he said. Then, after a moment, "police…that's why the protection…someone called Deakins "Captain"…I'm a policeman…you're my partner…"

"Yes," she answered. "Here…" She pulled out from the drawer beside his bed a gold badge and an ID.

He intensely studied both. "I'm a detective…" Bobby gave Alex a wan smile. "Am I any good?"

"The best," she said fiercely and proudly.

Later, in a session with Dr. Huang, he asked, "If I'm such a great detective, why can't I remember anything?"

Huang smiled at him. "Remember what we've talked about…you've suffered a great physical and emotional trauma…"

Bobby couldn't keep from briefly glaring at Huang. "You could tell me…" He sighed. "I know…I know…I need to remember…it's just frustrating…" He paused.

"And frightening."

There were physical improvements. He could walk, stiffly and awkwardly; the feeling and movement were returning to his hands. His ribs were healing, the pneumonia at bay, and he needed less and less pain medication. But he seemed to be constantly exhausted, not only from battling pain and from physical therapy, but from a lack of real sleep. His sleep was punctuated by nightmares and night terrors that brought nurses to his bed. Sitting with him one night Alex was jarred from a light sleep by his screams; on several occasions several nurses and orderlies had to fight him to get him awake. When he woke, Bobby remembered nothing of these dreams except their terror. He hated to be in the dark, and the nurses took to leaving a small lamp on in his room at all times. He felt cold—a cold that resounded in his bones—all the time and huddled under a stack of blankets.

And there were aspects of his treatment that led him to a terrifying conclusion. This was one thing he felt he couldn't ask Alex. He gathered his courage at another session with Dr. Huang.

"I…I…need to ask something," Bobby said hesitantly.

Huang studied him. "Sure…go ahead…"

"There's things…about my injuries…treatment…" Bobby stared at his hands.

Huang readied for a storm; he knew that Bobby Goren would eventually piece together the nature of the attack on him even if he couldn't remember it.

"Was…I…raped?" Bobby's voice was barely a whisper.

"Yes," Huang replied gently.

There was a long silence.

"I…I…don't remember," Bobby finally said.

Huang nodded.

"I…I…think…I'm glad I don't." Bobby stared into space; his already troubled mind was engaging in wild, dark gymnastics.

For the rest of the day, Bobby was lost; he couldn't meet the eyes of anyone he met. He could barely speak to Alex, who was confused and troubled by his mood. He flinched as the nurses helped him on with his clothes for his physical therapy session and said nothing as he was wheeled to it. There was a delay—some problem with another patient—and Bobby left alone for a few moments. He saw the remains of a newspaper in a trash can, scanned the area for any nurses, and carefully left the wheelchair to get the paper. He hadn't seen a newspaper during his time in the hospital—a true deprivation it seemed to him—and welcomed the sight of even a relatively ancient one. He began scanning the pages and lurched to a stop at the sight of a small headline. "NYPD Detective Continues to Improve," it read, and the story's words slashed into his brain. "Vicious attack…career ending…horrible injuries…suspect…Nicole Wallace…mother killed…"

The memories drowned him in a terrible wave.

End Chapter Five


	6. Chapter 6

This chapter would have been up last week but for struggles with uploading (sigh). Also, this was written before Season 6 and the revlation of Alex's house. Remember, it's a dark ride.

Chapter Six

Alex stared at the list of real estate holdings in front of her. Since the attack on Bobby, her life had become an endless cycle of work, visits to the hospital, and too brief moments of rest in her apartment. She worked full time on trying to trace Nicole Wallace, and she knew Barek and Logan were devoting nearly all of their time to the case as well. She was vaguely aware that other cops were on the case, and it reassured her that the NYPD's considerable resources were set on Nicole's capture. She sighed and rubbed her eyes. It would reassure her even more if those resources had protected Bobby, or if their use had already resulted in Nicole's capture. Barek and Logan were currently chasing a possible lead; an employee at Carmel Ridge vanished the same day Bobby's mother was taken from the facility. The investigation had discovered that whoever spirited away Frances Goren must have worked at Carmel Ridge; that Nicole knew about and had access to the buildings where Bobby disappeared and was found; and that a woman resembling Nicole had been seen entering and leaving both buildings during the periods Bobby was missing. But the case was severely hampered by the memory loss of its chief witness and victim.

Alex glanced at her partner's empty desk. She missed Bobby—missed him so much that she physically ached. The man she visited in the hospital was disconcertingly both Bobby and not Bobby. He was funny and charming and brilliant and gentle like Bobby, but he had no knowledge of his history with Alex, or anyone. She couldn't share jokes with him about Deakins' exasperations or Carver's orations; she couldn't tease him about his encyclopedia like brain; and she had to walk on eggshells about Nicole and his mother and why he was in the hospital. He did seem to be getting better, both physically and mentally, and slowly putting pieces of his mind together. "Just answer his questions, "Huang told her, and she did as best she could. The slight disappointment in his eyes when she told him they weren't romantically involved surprised and amused her, but she was reassured when the realization didn't lessen his trust in her. Alex had occasionally wondered what Bobby might have been like with stable mother and supportive father; now, with his memory a blank, she thought, she might know, and it wasn't all that different from the Bobby she knew. "Maybe some people are stronger somehow…or Bobby's theory that it depends on having the right support at the right moment," she thought.

A disruption in the squad room roused her from her thoughts. Barek and Logan, flanking a disheveled, muscular young man in handcuffs, entered the office and ushered him into an interrogation room. Deakins emerged from his office to follow them. A few moments later the captain appeared at Alex's desk.

"Thomas Griffin," Deakins said. "Apparently the boyfriend of Amy Cho, the Carmel Ridge employee who went missing. He was at Ms. Cho's apartment when Logan and Barek went to question her…and he put up a fight. And he's got a record for assaults…nothing definite…but it's something…" He handed Alex several papers. "Here, Alex…See what else you can find out about Mr. Griffin…and hang in there…"

Alex nodded and went to work. She ached to be more involved with the investigation, but she also knew that it was only through Deakins' graces that she was being allowed to do anything. It was frustrating to be on the outer edges of the case, but she knew she was too emotionally involved. Her emotional state was not improved by the knowledge that she might be in the sights of Nicole's revenge. If Deakins had his way, uniforms would be tracking her every step—as it was, he insisted that she call him when she left her apartment in the morning and when she returned in the evening.

She frowned as she studied Thomas Griffin's information; he was a very bad guy, with a record that suggested he had the potential for much more violence than the fairly brutal incidents that already marked his history. Alex gathered the material and prepared to give it to Logan and Barek. As she rose from her desk, Deakins shot from his office.

"Bobby," he began, and Alex gripped the edge of her desk to stay upright. "He's missing from the hospital…"

The young uniform assigned to Bobby and the intern who wheeled him to the therapy session were both deeply upset.

"I thought he was fine," the young cop said. "He was inside the department…I was just out here…I didn't see him leave…didn't see anyone else."

"I parked him just outside the main room," the intern told Alex and Deakins. "I just left for a moment…to help with another patient…"

It was Alex that found the discarded newspaper, crumpled and ripped, near the abandoned wheelchair. Mutely, she showed it to Deakins.

"He knows," Deakins said quietly.

"We've got to find him," Alex said desperately. "Before Nicole…or before he…" She shared a terrified look with Deakins.

Again, the forces of the NYPD were mobilized to look for Bobby Goren, and again, they met with failure. Alex, accompanied by a grim and sympathetic Logan and Barek, visited every possible place where Bobby might have run, including his mother's gravesite. In the back of the car, Alex found her mind running wild.

"He's hurt…he's sick…he's only wearing sweats…what could be going through his brain…he could hurt himself…please…please…let him be all right…let him know we can help him…." Alex shivered. "Don't let her get him again…please…"

It was past midnight before Deakins called and ordered them to give up the search. "Get some sleep for a few hours…I've got every officer the NYPD can spare looking for him…every officer who can has volunteered…we'll find him…"

"Do what the Captain says, Alex," Logan said as he pulled up to her building. "You can't help him if you're exhausted."

Barek touched Alex's hand. "Do you want us to go up with you?"

Alex shook her head. "You guys go get some rest…I'll be ok…I'll be careful…"

"You call us when you're in your apartment," Logan said.

"Yes, Dad," Alex answered as she left the car, and Logan grimaced. "I will…I promise…"

Barek looked up at her. "He'll be ok, Alex…we'll find him."

Alex, desperately trying to believe her, nodded.

She moved quickly into her building and the elevator. Although she was exhausted and terrified for Bobby, Alex's cop sense was still sharp. When the elevator opened on her floor, her keys were out, and her other hand rested on her gun. She moved steadily and quickly towards her door, her senses aware of every vibration and light around her. Alex's apartment was at one end of the hall, next to the stairway. She'd always like its location for its few extra feet of room and window, but in the past few days the entrance's vulnerability had become very clear to her. Alex felt a current of fear run through her as she saw that the stairwell's door was slightly open; something grey appeared to be blocking it. Her hand gripped her gun and pulled it free; she kept her eyes on the door as she unlocked her apartment door. Satisfied that she could quickly burst into the relative safety of her apartment, Alex slipped her keys into her pocket, looked behind her, gripped her guns with both hands, and kicked the door to the stairs open.

END Chapter Six


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

A tiny, strangled whimper came from the floor. Alex looked down and lowered her gun.

"Bobby," she said softly and desperately.

Bobby Goren, curled in a ball, lay huddled at the corner of the door. He was soaked to the skin and shivering. Slipping her gun into its holster, Alex bent to him; he jerked away as her hand brushed his head.

"I…I'm s…sorry," he gasped. "I…remembered everything…I…I…didn't….know where to go."

Alex heart broke, and for several moments she couldn't trust her voice. "It's all right…you've come to the right place." She knelt next to him. "Do you think…if I help you…you can get into my apartment?"

Staring in front of him, Bobby nodded. This time, when Alex touched him, he flinched but didn't pull away. She helped him to his feet; he stood wavering for a moment. Alex carefully guided him into her apartment and sat him on the couch.

"I…I…I'm getting everything wet," Bobby said.

She touched his forehead and was grateful when he didn't flinch. "It's ok. Let's get you warmed up…"

She put some water on the stove to make tea, and then moved to the bathroom to grab several towels. She got Bobby to stand up again and got him into the bedroom, where she sat him on the bed.

"May I," she asked gently, "help you get that shirt off?"

He nodded, but she noticed he couldn't look her in the eye. She cautiously helped him pull the sweatshirt over his head, trying to ignore the obvious pain and stiffness in his arms and shoulders. But she couldn't keep from uttering a small cry when she saw the bruises and welts on his body.

"I'm sorry," she said as she began softly drying his head and body with a towel.  
"It…just looks bad…"

"Still doesn't feel that great, either," Bobby said with grim humor. He stiffened at her first touch, but began to relax as the soft, warm towel drew the cold moisture from his body.

"Here," Alex said, lifting a T-shirt, "let's get this on you…" She helped Bobby with the shirt. "Do you think," she asked, "you can get out of the sweatpants and into these boxers ok?"

Bobby nodded.

"Ok…I'm going to check on the tea…I WILL be right back…you get under the covers if you need to…"

He stared at the floor. "You…you don't have to…I could…"

"I want to…I…I'm glad you came to me….I'm glad you're safe…." She touched him lightly on the cheek and went to the kitchen.

Her cell phone rang just as she turned the water off. "Oh…Logan…Barek," she thought.

"Hello…"

"Eames…you ok?" Logan's voice was tense.

"Yea…I'm sorry…listen…he's here…Bobby's here…he was outside my door…" Alex poured hot water over tea bags in two cups as she spoke.

"How is he? Do you need help?" She heard Logan turn to speak with Barek.

"He's…in a lot of pain…and he remembers…" Alex choked. "I'm sorry…"

"Do you want us? Barek thinks we should contact Deakins and Huang."

Alex considered this. "Yea, I think that's a good idea…I know I'm way out of my league here…and Bobby's barely able to talk to me…I don't know how he'd handle a crowd…"

"Not a problem," Logan answered. "We'll contact Deakins…and hang around until he gets here…"

Alex was too grateful and exhausted to argue. "Thank you, Logan…and let Barek know…"

"Don't mention it…we're downstairs if you need us…"

Alex finished making the tea and took the two mugs to her bedroom. Bobby had slipped his long legs under the covers, but was sitting up staring at her shelves.

"Here's some tea…hot and sweet…" She handed the mug to him; Bobby held it in his hands for a moment before sipping it.

"Thank you." She could barely hear his soft voice.

She perched carefully at the end of her bed. "Are you warm enough?"

"Get…getting there." He took a long drink of the tea. "My mom…" he finally said. "The funeral…" It took him a great deal of effort to speak. "Already…"

Alex took a deep breath. "Yes…we…Deakins, the Carmel Ridge staff, me…we found the instructions..."

Bobby was lost in the depths of his tea. "You…had…had a Mass? Like she wanted?"

She wanted to hug him, to wrap around him and comfort him and somehow convince him that everything was going to be all right. But she wasn't sure that she believed that. She leaned forward.

"Yes."

"Was…anyone…there?"

"There were lots of people, Bobby." His surprised eyes rose to meet hers for a moment. "Most of the staff from Carmel Ridge…and some patients…the priest who said the Mass knew your mom…said she was very nice to him when he was a seminary student…there were a few people who used to work with her…Lewis came with his mom and sister…" Alex swallowed. She had been stunned by the number of people at Frances Goren's funeral, but realized many of them had come because of or to take the place of her wounded son. "A lot of the guys who worked with you in Narcotics…most of Major Case…Logan and Barek…Deakins came with his wife…and Carver…" She saw Bobby's eyes glisten. "My dad came…"

"Your dad?" Bobby's voice was a hoarse whisper.

"Yea." Alex hesitated, uncertain if she might be pouring salt into Bobby's wounds. "He said he owed to the woman who'd made her son such a good partner for his daughter…and such a good friend…and man…"

"My brother?"

Alex looked into her cup. "We tried…but we couldn't find him…Deakins is still trying…"

Bobby gripped his mug so tightly Alex thought it had to break. He took a long drink and handed the empty cup to her. She sat it on a shelf.

"I couldn't help her." Bobby's low, agonized voice broke the silence. "I couldn't save her…I couldn't help her…I couldn't even go to her funeral…" The tears began pouring from his eyes. "I ran away…left her…I couldn't help her….never…"

Alex sat down her cup and reached for him. "Bobby…"

"No! No!" he shouted and threw up his hands to ward her away. He kept them up as if they could shield him.

"Bobby…no…you're a good man…a good son…you were hurt…you are hurt…please let me help you…please…" Alex felt her own tears fall down her face. She caught his hands and pulled them down. Bobby struggled for a moment, then, exhausted, fell sobbing into her arms.

End Chapter Seven


	8. Chapter 8

As I've written, a dark ride. I suppose every LOCI fanfic writer has a Nicole story. This is mine for what it's worth.

Chapter Eight

Bobby's sobs shook Alex and her bed; she thought that no one could cry that violently and survive. She held Bobby's head against her shoulder and rubbed his heaving back. She murmured his name over and over again; beyond that, Alex had no idea of what to say to him. She couldn't lie to him and say that everything would be all right—she knew nothing would ever be all right again—and she couldn't think of any words that might even begin to soothe his wounds. She discovered that she was rocking him back and forth as if he were a child; it seemed to help, for his sobs began to ease slightly. Alex heard an increasingly louder and more insistent thumping at her door.

"Bobby," she said firmly. "It's Dr. Huang and Captain Deakins…I need to let them in…"

He shuddered with the effort of trying to regain control. She still held and comforted him.

"They'll break down the door," Alex said softly in his ear. "I need to go…I'll be right back…"

He slowly slid from her arms.

"Alex!" She heard her captain's worried voice. "Are you all right?"

"Yes! I'm coming!" Alex shouted as she stepped from her bed. She stepped into the bathroom and grabbed a box of tissues. "Here," she said gently and handed them to Bobby. Staring at the blankets, he wordlessly took them. "I will be back," she said and glided a hand over his shoulder.

Alex rushed to the door and opened it to a visibly relieved Deakins and concerned Huang.

"Where is he?" Deakins asked. "How is he?"

"In the bedroom…he was soaked and freezing…I got him dried and changed…we always keep a change of clothes at each other's place…he's…"Alex choked. "He's in a lot of pain…" She looked back at the bedroom.

"He remembers everything?" Huang asked gently.

Alex nodded. "He wanted…to know about his mom…if we'd had the funeral…and if anyone came…"

"Did he say anything about what happened?" Huang asked.

Alex shook her head. "He…he talked about how he couldn't help his mom…had never been able to help her…and then he fell apart…" She struggled to control her voice, and Alex knew tears were threatening to fall from her eyes. "I…I've never seen anyone…it wasn't crying…it was like he was being ripped apart…from the inside…" Deakins reached out a hand to comfort her, and Alex pulled away. "I'm sorry," she said, wiping furiously at her eyes, "but…I'm hanging on by a thread here…"

"I understand…it's all right," Deakins said.

"I need to get back to him…I promised…" Alex looked back again.

"Of course," Huang said. "Ask him if I can talk to him…don't press him…stay with him if that's what he wants…"

Alex nodded. "There's coffee and tea," she said. "Can't face a crisis without them."

She paused before the bedroom door and then spoke. "Bobby…I'm back…like I promised." She entered to find that he hadn't changed his position in the few moments since she had left. He still sat up in the bed, his legs beneath the blankets and his hand clutching the box of tissues. Tears still stained his face.

"I told you I'd be back," Alex said gently. She sat carefully on the edge of the bed. She pulled several tissues from the box. "Is it all right," she asked softly, "if I wipe your face?"

Still staring down at the blankets, Bobby nodded slowly. Alex carefully and tenderly wiped his face; he shivered.

"You're getting cold…here…let's get you under the covers…" She guided him beneath the covers and tucked them around him. "Could Dr. Huang talk to you?"

Bobby shuddered for a moment. "Y-y-yes." Alex could barely hear his voice.

"I'll be in the next room…I'm here if you need me." Alex started to leave.

"A…Alex?" Bobby's voice was so low and timid that Alex scarcely recognized it.

She paused in the doorway. "Yes, Bobby?"

"She…she was going to…hurt you…too…be careful…" The few words seemed to take much of Bobby's dwindling energy.

Alex held the door for support. "I will…I am."

He took a deep breath. "You…you know…what…what they did to me?"

The pain and fear and shame in his voice broke her heart. It was several moments before Alex could trust her voice. "Yes," she finally said.

"I…I…tried to…fight…but…I…I…" He seemed too exhausted to even cry.

"I know you did," Alex answered firmly. She stepped back to the bed and tenderly touched Bobby's head. To her relief, he didn't pull away but turned his head towards her touch. She dropped to her knees by the bed and reached beneath the covers to hold Bobby's arm.

"I can't promise you everything will be all right," she said desperately and ferociously, "but I promise I will do anything and everything to help you…just don't give up…know that I'm here…"

His eyes blinked. "I…I…know…" She scarcely heard him. "But…I…so tired…so…"

She stroked his head. "It's ok…sleep…you're safe here…I'm here…you're safe…"

His eyes closed, and he surrendered to the blessed oblivion of sleep.

End Chapter 8


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Bobby blinked as the warm sunlight streaked across his face. He burrowed deeper into the soft flannel sheets. He felt warm, safe, comforted; the sheets smelled of lavender and…Alex. "I'm dreaming…the usual one…please…let me stay asleep long enough for her to come to me," he thought. He started to hug the pillow, and a wave of pain swept through his body. And he remembered.

He was in that terrible, dark, cold place. He could feel only pain—terrible, agonizing pain—and fear. Screams echoed over and over again in his head, and he realized he was the source of those screams. There were hands on him, but not the horrible claws of the people who had hurt him. These hands were firm but gentle, and there were kind, quiet voices trying to reach him. He realized he was fighting, twisting and jerking.

"Bobby…it's all right…you're safe…it's just a dream…wake up…you're safe…please…"

He recognized Alex and Huang's voices. He ceased his thrashing, blinked and gasped for air. He stared up at their distressed faces.

"I…I'm sorry," he rasped. He clutched Alex's hand.

"It's ok." Alex sat on the edge of the bed and tried to ignore how tightly Bobby gripped her hand.

"You've been asleep for a long time," Huang said quietly. "How do you feel?"

Bobby gingerly pushed his body up on the pillows. "B…better…but…weak…"

"Would it be all right if I examined you? Just checked your pulse and breathing?" Huang's voice was remarkably calm and even.

"He's trying not to scare me," Bobby thought. He nodded.

Huang carefully and gently examined him, but in spite of the doctor's care Bobby shuddered at his touch. "Sorry," Bobby said with some embarrassment.

"It's all right," Huang said as he pocketed his stethoscope. "You know as well as I do that it's a perfectly natural reaction."

Alex managed to slip her hand away from Bobby. She took refuge in the every day. "You hungry? I can make some garbage eggs."

Alex and Bobby both smiled at Huang's confusion.

"Garbage eggs," Alex said, "are scrambled eggs made with everything you can think of or have left over. They can be really good, or really awful. Bobby made them for us after our first all night stakeout…"

"I think…I could eat." Bobby's voice was soft. "But what do you have, Eames? Last time you made garbage eggs, they were heavy on the garbage and light on the eggs."

Alex smiled at him as she stood. "Beggars can't be choosers, Goren…but don't worry…my fridge is full…"

"Could I…take a shower?" Bobby glanced from Huang to Alex.

"If you're careful," Huang said.

"And there's some clothes for you…Deakins picked some up from your apartment…" Alex headed to the kitchen. "There's clean towels out."

Bobby looked at Huang warily. "I…I need to go back to the hospital…"

Huang nodded. "You still have some healing to do…physically and emotionally."

Bobby swung his long legs out from beneath the covers and sat unsteadily on the edge of the bed. He was uncertain enough of his strength and in enough pain to not protest when Huang helped him to his feet. The psychiatrist helped him to the bathroom; as Huang started to leave Bobby spoke.

"I need to make a statement…"

"Yes," Huang answered.

Bobby stared into the depths of the sink. He didn't welcome the prospect of having to reveal the details of the attacks to anyone, but especially to someone from Major Case.

"If," Huang said quietly as he read Bobby's mind, "you're uncomfortable speaking with someone from Major Case or Mr. Carver's office, you can speak with other detectives…" Huang hesitated for a moment.

Bobby read the doctor's mind. "From SVU…"

"Yes," Huang said.

Bobby took a deep breath. "Makes sense," he said quietly. "I'd like to do it as quickly as possible…get it over…"

Huang nodded. "I'll see what can be arranged."

"Thank you," Bobby said softly.

Bobby stood beneath the hot water in Alex's shower until it began to turn cold. His body ached, and every breath was an effort. In spite of the long and relatively dreamless sleep he'd just enjoyed, he was limp with exhaustion. He dried his body with some difficulty because of his stiffness, and managed to slip on the clean T-shirt and boxers left on the sink counter. As he moved to the bedroom, Huang appeared in the hall.

"Could you use some help?" he asked matter of factly.

Bobby nodded. He and Huang entered Alex's kitchen several moments later.

"'Bout time," Alex said setting a plate on the table. "Huang and I have already made a good dent in these…"

Huang helped Bobby settle on a chair. "And they're good…I'll need to remember this for a quick meal," the doctor said.

"Depends on the leftovers," Bobby mumbled. The food smelled wonderful, and he was terribly hungry, but he was so exhausted he could barely get the fork to his mouth. Behind him, Alex and Huang shared a concerned look.

Huang moved to sit across from Bobby. "Detectives Benson and Stabler from SVU can interview you at the hospital as soon as you're ready." He leaned across the table slightly. "You don't have to push this, Detective. You can take as much time as you need."

Alex stood slightly behind and at Bobby's side as if she were a sentinel. Bobby deliberately set down his fork.

"I...I'd like to get it over with..." he said softly.

Bobby managed to finish the eggs and a cup of coffee. Huang and Alex helped him to the SVU, and Bobby climbed slowly into the back seat.

"Would you like to go by your apartment...is there anything you need?" Alex deftly moved the vehicle through the heavy traffic.

"Just...if you could bring me some books...later..." Bobby's voice was low and hesitant. Alex and Huang exchanged another worried look.

"There...there...is...one place..." Bobby said softly.

"What?" Alex said gently.

"Could...I...could I see...could we..." He swallowed. "Go by my...my mom's grave?"

Alex glanced at Huang, who gave her a tentative nod.

"Sure," she said and moved the car into a turn lane.

The drive to the cemetery was full of a terrible silence. The day had started with sun and a promise of warmth, but the skies were now dark and threatening. A cold wind carrying the scent of cold rain or snow blew up as they drove through the cemetery gates.

They parked near the freshly dug grave. Bobby stared out through the car window for several moments.

"There's...a lot of flowers." He opened the car door and stiffly stepped out.

"Do you want one of us to go with you?" Alex said, her hand on the door handle.

Bobby, staring at the mound of flowers, shook his head. He walked unsteadily up the small hill and stood staring down at the small headstone. He seemed to be trying to hide himself inside his black leather jacket and was a lonely, dark figure outlined against the grey sky.

Alex, her heart breaking, turned to Huang. "Should we go to him? Help him?" She turned back to look at Bobby.

Huang was about to answer when Bobby fell to his knees as if the ground gave way beneath him. Alex and Huang scrambled from the car and up to him. Bobby knelt mutely before his mother's grave, his arms hanging limply at his sides. His mouth opened and shut slightly but uttered no sound.

Alex and Huang stood by his side.

"It's all right, Detective," Huang said gently as they guided to his feet. "We'll get you back to the hospital...we'll take care of you."

As they helped Bobby to the SUV, Alex prayed that Huang was right.

End Chapter 9


	10. Chapter 10

Warning--what happened to Bobby. Very dark.

Chapter 10

Huang drove the SUV to the hospital; Alex sat in the back next to Bobby, who silently stared out the window. He allowed her to hold his hand, but it felt cold and limp in hers. When they arrived at the hospital, Alex and Bobby were alone for a few moments while Huang dealt with the paperwork of readmitting Bobby.

"I'm sorry," Bobby finally said in a voice so low that for a moment Alex doubted she'd actually heard him. "You…you shouldn't have to take care of me." He couldn't meet her eyes.

Alex tenderly squeezed his hand. "It's all right…I don't mind…"

"It's…not exactly…part of the job description…of being a partner…" Bobby stared at his feet.

"I think," Alex answered, "we're a bit beyond partners…it's certainly part of being a friend."

Huang, surrounded by a phalanx of nurses and two uniforms, returned. They escorted Bobby to his room with a minimum of fuss, but Alex noted that Bobby needed to be helped with changing into his pajamas and in getting into bed. He surveyed his surroundings with an exhausted air.

"Near the nurse's station," he said quietly.

"Yes," Huang replied. "They feel badly about letting you get away…"

"Not their fault," Bobby said. He plucked at his blanket. "I…thought…thank you…for not putting me in the psychiatric unit…"

Alex, standing in a corner, felt a spike of fear rise up her back and a wave of gratitude for Huang's sensitivity. Being placed in the psychiatric wing would have fed Bobby's worst fears.

"I saw no need for that," Huang said. "It will be a little noisier here…I hope you can get some sleep."

"When," Bobby asked, "can I expect Stabler and Benson?"

Huang studied Bobby carefully. "You still want to do that today? You feel up to it?"

"I…want…need…to get it over with," Bobby answered.

"All right…I'll check on it…try to get some rest, Detective." Huang slipped out of the room.

Alex stepped out of the corner; Bobby looked at her with some surprise, as if he'd almost forgotten she was in the room.

"Do you," she asked softly, "want me to stay while you give your statement?"

He looked lost and alone, and Alex could almost see the waves of exhaustion and fear coming from him.

"I…you've done so much…I…I…"

Alex sat in the chair closest to Bobby's bed and took his hand. "Don't worry about me," she said. "What do you want?"

He stared down at their hands. There was a long pause before he answered. "I…I'd like you…to stay," he finally whispered.

"Ok," Alex said gently. "I'll stay…Would you like me to read you something? There's a SMITHSONIAN you haven't touched."

He glanced at her and gave a weak smile. "Yea…that…that would be fine…"

Alex hoped Bobby might fall asleep, but the combination of nurses running in and out of his room to ask questions, draw blood, and perform generally worthless (at least as far as Alex could determine) tasks and Bobby's dread of the interview kept him from rest. Huang appeared at one point to inform them that Stabler and Benson would arrive in roughly an hour.

"Remember," he told Bobby, "you don't have to do this…and you can stop it at any time…"

Bobby nodded. "Al…Detective Eames…" His voice faded away.

"I'm staying…Bobby wants me to," Alex said with more force than she intended.

Huang wasn't surprised. "Of course."

Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler were punctual, arriving within a minute of the hour. Alex knew very little about Stabler other than his reputation as an honest detective who was focused on the victims of crimes. She knew Olivia Benson from several encounters at meetings of women police and detective associations; she liked her, finding her one of those people whose straightforward manner and obvious warmth drew people to her. And Alex knew Benson's reputation as a detective whose gentle handling of victims provided remarkable results. She did work Alex knew was beyond her, and she was glad that if Bobby had to go through this ordeal that at least Olivia Benson would help him.

It was late afternoon, and the light in Bobby's room was dim and soft. A small lamp on the table by the bed provided the only light; Alex sat quietly and tensely in a corner. Stabler and Benson were completely professional, setting up the small tape recorder quietly and efficiently, calmly explaining the procedure to Bobby.

"Although," Stabler said softly to Bobby, "you know all about this."

"Ok, Detective Goren," Benson said in gentle, understanding voice. "Just tell us what happened…if we have questions, we'll stop you…you can stop anytime…just take your time…"

There was a long silence, and Alex thought that Bobby might not be able to start. He finally began, speaking in a low, hoarse voice that Alex had to lean forward in her chair to hear.

He had been working late. He'd called Alex to make sure she had gotten home ok; he was worried about the mysterious informant offering information about Nicole. He was about to head home when he received a call from Carmel Ridge. It was one of his mother's nurses—a new one named Amy Cho—telling him his mother was having a very bad episode. Her doctors wanted, no, needed him to come as soon as possible. Bobby had met Ms. Cho; he had seen her treat his mother very well.

"I…I didn't have any reason…" Bobby blinked. "I should've called my mom's doctors…but…it seemed urgent…I thought I'd call from the car…"

He wasn't as vigilant as he should have been. His mind was focused on his mother, on how her condition seemed to be getting worse, on how exhausted he was, on how he didn't seem to be able to help her. He registered too late a movement just behind him, and then they were on him. There were at least two, possibly three attackers, all viciously hitting him, at least one with brass knuckles, another with a bat. They slammed him against his car, hitting him before he could cry out or get to his gun. He was pushed on the ground, his hands forced behind him and handcuffed, duct tape swiped over his eyes and mouth, thrown into a van. He could taste blood in his mouth as he lay on the van's floor. The van stopped, and he was hustled into a cold room. His captors stripped him down to his boxers, forced him to stand on a small box, and tied his hands above his head to a pipe. They ripped the tape from his eyes and mouth, and Bobby found he was facing Nicole Wallace.

He thought she wanted to engage in her usual mind games, and she began to purr her familiar venom. But when Bobby started to answer her, he was rewarded with vicious punches and strikes on his back. He struggled to keep his balance on the box to relieve the horrible pressure on his arms. In the midst of the blows and Nicole's insinuations, Bobby became aware he was being encouraged to call Alex.

He shot Alex a furtive glance across the hospital room. "I knew...she...Nicole...wanted to hurt her...to get to me...I knew...I could warn her...but I had to hold out...so they wouldn't know..." Bobby swallowed.

Alex felt her head spin. He had endured terrible torture...to try to protect her...protect them both.

The punches and whippings continued for what seemed hours. When Bobby felt he could no longer endure the pain and enough time had gone by, he finally agreed to call Alex. He used their code words to warn her, but Nicole sensed a trap, and he was dragged away again to the van. There was another dark, cold room. One of his torturers was rabidly disappointed at the loss of Alex. Bobby was now tied to a chair; Nicole seductively walked to him and sat on his lap. "Would you like to take your partner's place?" she whispered, and she bit him viciously.

Bobby stopped his narration and clutched at the blankets.

"Do you need to take a break? Or stop?" Olivia Benson hovered a few feet from Bobby.

"No...I want...need to go on." Bobby's voice was a whisper.

His voice remained that horrible, low whisper as he described how he was dragged from the chair and forced down on the cold, hard concrete; how his boxers were ripped from his body, and he was raped. Throughout, he heard Nicole's triumphant laughter. The beatings and rapes continued for what seemed to Bobby to be hours; he lost track of how many times he was assaulted. He began to drift in and out of consciousness; whenever he blacked out, cold water was thrown on him to drag him awake.

Alex was sick with rage and despair. "If I get my hands on her," she thought. "I will kill her...she will not get away with this..." She watched Benson and  
Stabler; it was clear from their reactions that Bobby's description of his attack appalled even them.

Bobby paused again. "Could I...please...have some water?" he asked softly.

Stabler stood up and quickly poured a glass of water. He handed it to Bobby, who drained it.

"You can stop now," Stabler said. Alex was stunned at the sympathy and kindness in his voice.

Bobby ignored him. "I...I had no idea what time it was...but I knew...I knew Alex was looking for me..." Guilt stabbed Alex in the heart. "If I could just hold  
on...she'd come...but..." Bobby swallowed. "Nicole...said it had to end...they...they put the handcuffs on me...tied my legs and arms together  
behind me...and gagged me...and then..." Bobby choked for a moment. "They brought my mom in...I tried to get free...to scream...to beg Nicole...but...I  
couldn't...Nicole...she came up to me...and said..."Now I take something from you"...they hooked me to a rope and yanked me up...it hurt so much...I  
kept struggling...but it was no good...and Nicole...she...she told me..."Now you're going to watch your mom die and then you're going to die...alone and cold and in pain..." Bobby gasped for breath. "And she...she slit her throat...and they left...and she bled to death...I couldn't help her...I..."

The terrible silence was broken only by Bobby's heaving struggles for air.

Alex could bear it no longer; she rose and strode to the bed. Bobby flinched away from her. Alex felt Olivia Benson's strong, comforting hand on her arm.

"Thank you, Detective Goren." Stabler's voice was strained but kind. "Could you do one more thing for us? Could you look at some photos for us?"

Bobby swallowed and steeled himself. "I...yes..."

Stabler began dropping mug shots in front of Bobby. As one photo appeared, Bobby jerked. Alex thought it would have been impossible for him to become any paler, but Bobby's face drained of color.

"That's him," he whispered. "He's the one...who...who..."

Benson leaned towards him. "You're sure?"

Recoiling from the photo, Bobby nodded.

Stabler scooped up the photos. "Thank you, Goren...I can't imagine how difficult this was."

Bobby held his composure. "Is there anything else you need?"

"No...you've given us a great deal," Benson said.

"Well," Bobby said grimly, "you know where to find me."

As the SVU detectives left, Benson gave Alex a quick hug. "Hang in there," she whispered. "And call me if I can help."

Alex turned to Bobby. He sat in the bed staring at his hands. The dim light of the lamp highlighted the planes and fading bruises on his pale face. As Alex  
stepped towards him, he began to shiver. She sat in the chair next to the bed, uncertain of whether she should even attempt to touch him.

"Bobby," she said gently. "I'm here...I'm here..."

End Chapter 10


	11. Chapter 11

Again, this was written prior to Season Six. And it's very dark.

Chapter 11

Bobby shivered. "You need," he said between gasps for air, "to tell Benson and Stabler…whoever's working the case…Nicole…she's going to try to get rid of anyone…who knows her past…have someone watch her ex-husband…check around Hudson University…" He shivered again.

Alex took a deep breath. "If it's all right," she said deliberately, "I'm going to pull the covers over you." She stood slowly and lifted the blankets and sheets over Bobby.

He slumped against his pillows. "I…I…it's so cold…I can't get warm…" he murmured.

Alex gently touched his forehead and was grateful Bobby didn't turn away from her. But his skin was horribly hot to her fingers. She reached for the button to call the nurse.

"I think you have a temperature," Alex said.

He had more than a temperature. The pneumonia had returned with awful force, and within the hour Bobby, hooked up to machines and with IVs running in and out of his body, lay delirious in Intensive Care. Alex stood just outside the ICU; she was furious that she couldn't be with Bobby and that the doctors and nurses were unable or unwilling to tell her what was happening.

She felt a reassuring presence behind her and turned to see her captain, grey with worry.

"What happened?" Deakins asked. "The last I heard he was in a regular room…"

"Pneumonia came back…he…collapsed…a little after he gave his statement…" Alex bit her lip. "They keep running in and out…but they won't tell me anything…"

Deakins set his face. "Well, they'll tell me something." He marched to the nurse's station, leaving Alex to stare through the window at Bobby. The captain returned in a few moments to report that Bobby had pneumonia in both lungs and was running a high fever. "They're worried," Deakins told Alex. "He's so weak."

Bobby, shivering, sweating, incoherent, fought the pneumonia for three days. There was no real need for the protection Deakins insisted Alex have after she informed the captain of Bobby's suspicions regarding Nicole—Alex never left the hospital and had to be dragged away from Bobby's bedside to eat and sleep. Near the end of the third day Bobby finally began to show signs of improvement, and Logan and Barek arrived with news.

"Griffin broke this morning," Logan told Alex with some grim satisfaction. "It took a tag team of Benson, Stabler, Barek, and me—and Bobby's statement—but he confessed."

"He claims Nicole told him and Amy Cho that Bobby was harassing her…following her…" Barek said quietly but with an undertone of anger. "He also claims that he was high on meth when he attacked Bobby."

"He was stunned that Bobby was still alive…and he said Bobby…he never cried or begged until they brought his mom out." Logan stared at Bobby's fitfully sleeping body.

"Benson and Stabler followed a tip…they caught Amy Cho hanging around near one of Nicole's ex-husband's buildings," Barek said quietly. "They're questioning her this afternoon. And we've had some reports of a woman answering Nicole's description in and around Hudson University. Looks like," she nodded her head toward Bobby, "he was right about her."

Alex slumped with exhaustion in a chair by Bobby's bed.

"Look, Alex," Barek said kindly. "Why don't you go…get some food…maybe a nap…Logan and I will stay here…He's getting better…and if there's any change we'll get you…I promise…"

Alex rose unsteadily. "You promise…any change…."

Logan nodded. "Yea…promise…"

The light pierced his eyes and added to the terrible ache in his head. He was thirsty and it was too cold and too hot and every breath hurt. He blinked and saw a tall, dark figure hovering over him.

"Dad?" Bobby Goren whispered. "Is that you? You've come back?"

"Goren…take it easy." The voice was familiar but not familiar; Bobby chose to ignore it.

"Dad," he pleaded. "You've got to help me…I…I can't take care of her by myself…I tried…I am trying…can't…"

Voices bled in and out of the fog around him. He saw a dark haired, small woman. "Mom?" he whispered in amazement. His mind cleared for a moment, and he realized she wasn't there. A vise of fear gripped him. "Alex…" His voice grew stronger and more filled with terror. "Alex…please…where are you…please…"

Mike Logan's face focused before him. "Goren…take it easy…she just stepped out for a moment for a break…Barek is getting her…just take it easy."

Bobby struggled to quell the panic inside his body. "You…promise?" He gripped Logan's arm so tightly that the other detective winced.

"Yes," Logan said softly. "I promise…she's coming."

Bobby's grip eased. "I'm…I'm sorry…"

"It's ok," Logan said.

Alex burst into the room, Barek and Deakins trailing in her wake. She rushed to Bobby's side. Deakins motioned to Barek and Logan to join him in the hall.

"I'm here, Bobby…it's all right…I'm here." Alex dropped in the chair and grabbed Bobby's hand.

Deakins watched Alex and Bobby. "We've got her," he whispered to Logan and Barek.

"Wallace?" Barek's pronunciation of the name was tinged with venom. She hadn't had personal contact with this woman, but Barek's reading of the case file and viewing of the pain caused by this person had filled her with an intense hatred of this woman.

Deakins nodded. "She was trying to break into the English Department…one of her many old haunts…"

The three detectives watched as Alex calmed Bobby.

"God," Logan said, giving voice to a shared fear. "I hope he doesn't have to testify…face her…"

End Chapter 11


	12. Chapter 12

Thanks for the kind reviews.

Chapter 12

There were moments when he desperately wished he had never remembered; that the Robert Goren with the lousy father and the lost brother and the dead insane mother had stayed buried in his mind; that the terrible hours of cold and pain and shame had stayed buried; that he was ignorant of his impotence and failure. But the memories were with him during all of his waking hours and many of his sleeping ones, except for those few occasions when he woke from a sleep free from nightmares. There were a few seconds as he moved into consciousness that his thoughts went to his hopes for the day and to Alex; then, the horrors crashed over him in a wave. The nurses and doctors were kind and considerate, but Bobby felt transparent, as if a window opened on his mind and exposed his thoughts to everyone. And those thoughts revealed that he was a weak man, a victim of rape and torture unable to save his mother.

It was difficult to speak to people. Carver couldn't look him in the eye until the day when he offered Bobby a stumbling but sincere apology.

"If I had done my job...gotten a conviction...this wouldn't have happened..." Carver stood in front of the window in Bobby's room.

"Don't think that," Bobby said sharply. "We all...made mistakes on this case...you didn't do this to me...Nicole did."

Carver turned back to Bobby, and, for the first time in several days, met his gaze. "She won't get away this time," the lawyer said grimly. "We have the testimony of her three accomplices..."

"Three?" Bobby asked in surprise.

Carver nodded. "I don't know how much consolation it is to you," he said wryly, "but Griffin called in a friend--a very big and mean friend--to help grab you. This gentleman had no idea what was planned for you and what happened to you, and he became very expressive when he discovered what charges he might face." Carver scooped up his coat. "Ms. Wallace has also exhausted her financial resources...even if some lunatic judge chose to give her bail she couldn't have made it...she's currently languishing in Riker's with only visits from her public defender to help her pass the time." Carver slipped on his coat. "And the Australian authorities want to question her...she will not get away this time." He paused for a moment. "SVU is assisting with this case as well...I'm leaving nothing to chance...I'm afraid, Detective, I will probably have to ask you testify before the Grand Jury...and if I can't convince Ms. Wallace to accept a plea agreement..."

"I'll do whatever you need," Bobby told him.

Other visits remained uncomfortable. Lewis, who knew only the sketchiest details about what happened to Bobby, was simply glad to have his friend back. Logan's occasional visits were difficult, but the other detective dismissed Bobby's worries. "It's not you," Logan said. "It's me…stuff…" and waved a hand. Deakins' visits became easier as both his captain and Bobby came to realize that each didn't blame the other for what happened. Bobby was surprisingly comfortable with both Carolyn Barek and Olivia Benson. Barek was calm and matter-of-fact—"I'm fine with whatever you want to talk about," she told Bobby one day, and she became his source of information on the case. He listened quietly and admiringly as she described the interrogations of Griffin, Cho, and Griffin's ill-fated friend (Barek began by asking, "You ok with this?" and continuing only when she was certain the discussion wouldn't disturb Bobby).

"You think…work like me," Bobby commented.

Barek smiled. "I'll take that as a compliment."

Because of their ease with each other, Benson became Bobby's contact with the investigation. He sensed some strain in Stabler's attitude towards him, and Bobby wondered if this was why he saw less of Benson's partner.

"Stabler doesn't like me, does he?" Bobby asked Benson at the conclusion of one interview.

Scooping up several files, Benson considered the question. "I think," she answered, "it's more of a case of his not wanting to like you. He'd heard about your reputation…and the publicity you got…"

"I can't apologize for the way I work," Bobby said quietly. "And I've never asked for the publicity."

Benson nodded. "I know…I think what really bothers him are the stories about you getting inside the heads of perps…"

"I don't excuse them," Bobby said. "I just try to understand them…it's not the same thing…"

"I know," Benson said with a wry smile. "Elliott doesn't always make…or want to make the distinction." She shuffled the files. "And now that he's actually met you…and been impressed by your guts…it's confused him…and he doesn't like to be confused…"

Bobby took a deep breath. A terrible question had been gnawing at him, and he sensed that Olivia Benson might be able to answer it.

"Benson…you've dealt…with…these sorts of cases…sexual violence… torture…for a long time, right?" His voice was soft and hesitant.

Benson gave him her full attention. "Yes."

"It…it does get better, doesn't it? The nightmares…the fear of the dark…they…they go away….after a while…"

Sitting in the hospital bed, his hair rumpled and his eyes downcast, Bobby Goren looked less like a veteran NYPD detective and more like a frightened ten-year-old boy. "A very bright ten-year-old boy," Benson thought. "One you can't lie to…"

"For most victims…yes…it gets better…but I have to be honest with you." She moved to stand at Bobby's side. "But…they never seem to go away completely…"

"And some…it never even gets a little better…" Bobby spoke as much to himself as to Benson.

"Yes…but…" Benson gently took his hand; Bobby tentatively looked up at her. "You're bright…you're tough and strong…you have a lot of people who want to help you…just don't give up…"

Bobby nodded. "I…I'll try…but…I'd just like…to be warm again…and to sleep through the night…"

It was hardest of all with Alex. He desperately wanted and needed her presence, but her appearances were both the most wonderful and most terrible moments of his day. She was sweet and kind and gentle, but she was unable to look at him for more than a few moments. One morning, as the physical therapist eased him back into bed, Bobby caught her face reflected in the window; it was full of pain and shame. But he couldn't tell if the shame was because of him or her.

The physical therapy sessions were painful, but Bobby was getting better. And, in spite of the nightmares and his need for a light and the cold he felt, his mind was also healing. Like the physical therapy sessions, his sessions with Huang were often painful, but they also offered comfort.

"I wish," Bobby said during one session, "you'd been one of my mom's doctors...you at least would have told me what was going on..."

Huang studied him. "Her doctors angered you?"

"Sometimes," Bobby replied, his jerking foot the only visible sign of his inner turmoil. "When they couldn't...or wouldn't tell me the truth..."

"What about anger...about all of this?" Huang's voice was level and calm.

"Oh...there's lots...most of it directed at the people who did it...particularly..." Bobby stared out the window for a moment. "Against Nicole...but you and I  
both know that's normal..."

Huang nodded. His sessions with Robert Goren occasionally resembled less a psychiatrist treating a patient and more two colleagues trading information.

"But what about others?" Huang asked. "Your mother..."

Bobby considered the question for several moments. "I think," he said deliberately, "that whatever anger I felt towards my mother...it resolved itself...or I learned how to deal with it...a long time ago..." He paused. "The grief...the guilt...I...I'm still..." Bobby stared at his hands.

Huang leaned forward slightly in his chair. "Time will have a lot to do with that...but the anger...what about others...people who should have helped you..."

"I think...it's still rough...but Deakins...Carver...we're ok..." Bobby's voice was soft.

"But Detective Eames?" Huang asked.

Bobby looked at him in some surprise. "Why...why would I be angry at her? She...she saved me..."

"You don't ask yourself why she wasn't there sooner...why she didn't call you the night you were taken?"

"No...no! Why...she got to me as soon as she could...she...it would have only been worse if she..." Bobby realized he was standing and pacing; he whirled  
to stare at Huang. "But if...if she'd found me...a half an hour earlier...my mom..." Bobby slumped in a chair and began rubbing his eyes with his fists. "No...no what ifs...I can't go there...can't..." He looked up at Huang, and the psychiatrist winced at the pain in the detective's eyes. "It was me...I was the stupid...weak one...I..." Bobby swallowed. "I think I'm the one I'm angriest at..." He shivered.

Huang rose and gently laid a hand on Bobby's shoulder. "And I think you're the one you need to forgive."

There was a long silence; Bobby finally broke it. "I...I need to know something." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Do you...I wouldn't want to be a threat to anyone...if I couldn't do it...but do you think...is it possible for me...to go back to work?"

"It's not impossible," Huang said cautiously. "I wouldn't want to give you false hope...but you are healing, physically and emotionally...and I know your Captain is already looking for ways for you to work as a consultant or in some capacity...it won't be easy, but I'm certainly willing to work with you..."

Bobby was deeply touched by the revelation of Deakins' efforts, but he studied the floor for several moments. "I...want to try...I need to...but I...I don't think I could do it without...Al...Detective Eames...and I don't know..." Bobby swallowed. "If she would be willing..."

"I think," Huang said, "you need to talk to her about that."

In the next few days Bobby's physical state continued its improvement, and his doctors spoke of his possible discharge from the hospital. But he could not find a moment or way to speak with Alex. He returned from a physical therapy session to find his room crowded with a large delegation, including Carver, Deakins, Benson,and Barek.

"So," Bobby asked warily after he'd been helped in bed, "what's the occasion?"

Deakins squared his shoulders. "Wallace has offered an agreement."

Alex suddenly appeared in the door. "And since when have we let criminals set plea agreements?"

"Please, Alex," Barek said softly. "Just listen."

Alex moved towards Bobby's bed, where she stopped and stood, her arms folded and anger radiating from her.

Carver glanced at Deakins. "She's agreed to plead guilty to the assaults on Detective Goren...and the murder of his mother...she will receive life in prison...but..." Carver took a deep breath. "Only if Detective Goren will speak with her one on one...no one else in the room..."

END Chapter 12


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

"No!" Alex shouted furiously. She strode to stand protectively in front of Bobby's bed. "You can not let her near him...you can't ask him to do that!" She glared ferociously at Carver.

"Alex," Deakins said in a ragged voice. "It's just a suggestion..."

"I...I don't believe this..." Alex was suddenly the tallest person in the room. "This...this woman...this thing has...has killed people...played with this department...tortured..." She choked.

"Alex...please...listen..." Carolyn Barek's voice was soft and calm.

"Listen? Listen to him?" Alex jerked her head towards Carver. "If he'd done his job right...none of this would've happened!"

Carver winced.

"Eames." Bobby's soft voice surprised everyone; he'd been so quiet his presence had almost been forgotten. "That's not fair...you might as well blame me..."

Alex, shocked, spun to face him.

"I think," Bobby said deliberately. "We should at least listen to what Carver has to say."

"You can't...seriously be considering...Bobby..." Alex stared at him.

"Maybe...maybe not...but we should listen..." Bobby was eerily calm, but Alex and Deakins both noted that he kept his hands beneath the covers and his back was stiff. Bobby looked at Carver. "What's the deal?"

Carver sighed. "Miss Wallace wants to meet you…with only you and her in the room…" Alex struggled not to protest. "She also wants some privileges in prison…including mail…"

"So she can continue to harass her victims!" Alex said furiously.

"It will keep Detective Goren from having to testify…at a trial or the Grand Jury." Olivia Benson's voice was steady.

There was a moment of silence. "It's not much of a choice," Alex said bitterly.

"I think," Bobby said softly, "I need to talk to Eames about this." He looked steadily at Carver. "When do you need to know?"

"ADA Novak and I are scheduled to meet with Miss Wallace and her attorneys tomorrow," Carver answered wearily.

Bobby's eyebrows rose. "Attorneys?"

Carver sighed. "Miss Wallace has managed to convince someone that she's the victim of police harassment…" All of the detectives made sounds of protest, except for Bobby who appeared strangely resigned.

"I know…I know…" Carver raised a hand. "I believe that as soon as these attorneys realize the true nature of Miss Wallace's crimes, and the evidence we have against her, they will abandon her."

"I can't believe…" Alex was white with anger. "She's claiming she's a victim…"

Bobby gave a low, bitter chuckle. "Only Nicole would…" He stared towards the window. "I…please…I need to talk to Eames…"

Carver and the detectives left, Deakins giving Alex a gentle touch on the shoulder. Alex walked to the side of Bobby's bed; she folded her arms and struggled to control her emotions.

"You know," she said bitterly. "Whatever you decide…she'll use it against you…if you agree to meet her, she'll probably pull out of it…she wants to…to publicly…" She choked on the words and looked away.

"To publicly humiliate and hurt me." Bobby finished her thought. "But she can't do that…without revealing her own history…"

Alex glanced at him.

"If she claims harassment, then Carver and Novak will be able to reveal her history…probably even the possibility she killed her daughter…" Bobby's voice was eerily calm. He could have been reciting the facts and options of any case. "If she does agree to the meeting…" Bobby swallowed. "I don't deny it…it would be awful…but either way…I…I think we could come out ahead."

"But…at what cost to you?" Alex's voice was a whisper.

Bobby pulled at the blankets. "It…it'll be hard," he admitted. "But…everything is hard now…it's getting better…but it's…" He struggled with his voice. "But…I…I don't have any right to ask you…you've been so good to me…everything…"

"Bobby." Alex dropped into the chair beside the bed. "Whatever you need…"

"I need…you…to support…" Bobby clutched the covers. "To be there…to help me."

Alex grabbed his hands; he didn't try to pull them away. "I will…I promise…"

Bobby took a deep breath. "There's one more thing…Huang…the doctors…they don't promise anything…but they think…if I work hard…I might be able to go back to work…"

Alex felt a small bubble of joy. "Oh, Bobby…that would be wonderful."

Bobby was surprised and delighted at Alex's obvious happiness. Encouraged, he spoke again. "I can't do it…without you…I know that…" He gripped her hand tightly. "Would you…still be willing… to be my partner?"

"You…still want me…after I failed you?" Alex stared at their entwined hands.

Bobby slipped one hand free and tenderly lifted Alex's face. "You didn't fail me…you saved me…you're saving me…"

"But if…" Alex's eyes glistened with tears. "If I'd gotten there a few minutes earlier…or if I'd called you that night…or if…"

"Or if I'd noticed my mother's agitation with Amy Cho…or called her doctors before I took off…or been more aware of my surroundings…we can't deal with "ifs", Alex…it'll drive us insane…drive us apart…" Bobby shook.

Alex leaned forward; she hadn't really touched Bobby since the incident several weeks ago. "I'm…is it ok…if I hug you?"

"Yes…please…" Bobby's voice was low and hoarse.

Alex wrapped her arms around Bobby; he fell into her body, and she realized how much the past few moments had cost him physically and mentally. He was scarcely able to lift his arms around her.

"You're so warm," he whispered so quietly that she thought she might feel rather than hear the words. "So warm…and soft…and safe…"

Alex felt strength rise in her. "She doesn't know…" she whispered to Bobby, "after all this time…she doesn't know how strong we are together…she can't beat us both…we can do this…"

End Chapter 13


	14. Chapter 14

WARNING--There's a graphic description of what happened to Bobby.

Chapter 14

There were times when Alex Eames hated to be right, and the next few months proved to be one of those periods. Nicole Wallace's behavior was exactly what Alex feared it would be. After much debate and consultation among Huang, Carver, Novak, Deakins and a slew of people barely introduced to Alex, Bobby agreed to meet with Nicole—and she immediately began trying to change the terms of her plea agreement. Carver and Novak, frustrated and disgusted, finally approached Bobby to argue for taking the case to the Grand Jury. Bobby, who seemed resigned to whatever fate might hand him, agreed to testify.

"It won't be long or detailed," Casey Novak told him. "And perhaps this will convince Miss Wallace that we mean business…"

Bobby gave her a sad smile. "That won't make any difference to her…she'll keep playing games…"

The bright point was Bobby's continual improvement. After promising to faithfully attend both physical and emotional therapy sessions, he was released from the hospital. A rotating schedule of officers and friends watched over him, making sure he made his appointments, got good food, and, in Alex's case, staying with him in the evenings to make sure he got to sleep. Indeed, she often stayed through the night, sleeping fitfully on Bobby's couch and waking at the slightest sound of distress from him. And there were, unfortunately, plenty of those moments when Alex would rush to Bobby's side to comfort him. Often it only took a touch of her hand and a few comforting words to end the nightmare; Bobby frequently didn't even wake up. But the worst dreams brought Bobby screaming out of his sleep. Alex would hold him and wipe the sweat and tears from his face and help him drink cool water until he could get back to sleep.

"I…I'm sorry…" he said to her one dark, cold morning. "You…must not be getting any rest…"

"It's ok…Deakins is letting me take naps…" She smiled at him.

"He's…been very good to me," Bobby said softly. "I bet he's a good father…" He stared into space. "I am sorry that you…"

Alex took his hands. "It's ok…I'm glad to…want to help." She took a deep breath. "You can tell me…or not tell me…anything…"

After that morning, Bobby began to reveal details of what happened to him—not all at once—but in small bits and pieces. These revelations seemed to help him, but he seemed unable to offer more than fragments at a time, and Alex found she was grateful that she had to deal with only small parts at a time of his ordeal. One late night he told her he'd been unaware of his mother's presence until those last awful moments. "I hope," he murmured, "she didn't see…know…what they did to me…" On another night, after a particularly wrenching dream, Alex sat on his bed and cradled him in her arms. The screams had finally stopped and his breathing evened when he hesitantly spoke.

"Alex…did…has it ever happened to you?"

It took a moment for her to realize what "it" was. She softly stroked his head. "No…I'm lucky…I've never been raped."

"Good," he murmured into her shoulder. "It's…it's…" He swallowed. "It hurt so much…every time…" He looked up at her.

"You can tell me," she said tenderly, "anything you want…"

He nestled his head back into her shoulder. "I knew…what…they were going to do…when they threw me on the floor…my hands were tied behind me…and he pushed on my shoulders…and it hurt…just hurt so much…and I could feel the rough concrete on my back and the blood on my back…and then it was like…like part of me left my body…and was just watching…and then…he was forcing…he was inside me…and it hurt…in spite of all the pain I had…was…it really hurt…and the part of me that was outside was thinking "This really hurts…I didn't expect this"….and there was something wet between my legs…I thought he had come…but it was blood…my blood…and I thought he was going to split me in half…and then…." Bobby shivered. "I wanted him to split me in half…I just wanted it to end…"

"Oh, Bobby," Alex clung to him. "I…wish…I could take some of the pain…"

"No," he said furiously and pulled slightly away from her. "No one wants any of that kind of pain."

In small, strangled accounts over many nights, Bobby told Alex of his torture. "I'm sorry," he whispered after he described how, following a beating or rape, he would be tied in positions that caused his body to cramp in pain. "I…I…know this is terrible for you…but it's…almost like I'm compelled…"

"It's all right…really." And Alex wished she could wrap completely around him and protect him from everything.

The worst night came after a day when Carver and Novak both arrived to tell Bobby of another of Nicole's maneuvers. By this point, she had worn out the patience of several lawyers and the welcome of several organizations who had initially found enough truth in her allegations of harassment to offer her legal support. Even the tabloid press that had attacked Bobby earlier in his dealings with Nicole was turning on her. Carver and Novak apologized for the delays, but assured Bobby that Nicole was running out of options.

That night Alex had hopes Bobby might sleep well—it had been several nights since a bad nightmare. But terrible sounds from his bedroom woke her a little after midnight. She found him twisting and jerking on his bed; he was slathered in sweat and struggling to open his mouth.

"Bobby...please wake up...it's just a dream...it's not real...please..." Alex tried to gently shake him awake.

Bobby's eyes flew open; his mouth opened in a silent scream. He stared at Alex and then covered his face with his hands. "Oh, no...no...no..." he murmured desperately, and he turned from her to curl in a ball.

Alex sat on the edge of his bed and began rubbing his back; his T-shirt was soaked. He trembled violently. "Please...stop." His voice was choked.

Alex, puzzled and troubled, stopped. "What...how can I help you?" she whispered.

There was a long pause before Bobby answered. "I...I'm sorry...it's not you...it's...just...the...what I remembered." He rolled on his back and covered his eyes with his arm.

Alex gently laid her hand on his chest. "What I always tell you...you can tell me as much or little as you want..."

Another long silence followed, and Alex thought Bobby might have fallen asleep. He suddenly took a deep breath.

"It was...one of those times...after...They had bent me over something so…it's how I got the bruises on my stomach…" He swallowed. "They had me tied up...I think it was when my shoulders got dislocated...I...I was alone...those were the worst times...the pain was constant...my muscles cramping...and I was so cold..." His arm still covered his eyes. "Nicole showed up...I was blindfolded, but I could smell the gin she had...I hate gin...it was my father's drink...maybe she knows that...but she had the bottle...and she poured it on my back…"

Alex couldn't contain her small cry.

Bobby shook. "She tore the blindfold off…She told me...I'd never leave that place...that no one would even find me...look for me..." His arm fell away, and the pain in his eyes pierced Alex's heart. "I knew...I knew she was...I knew you were looking for me...but...there was so much pain...and I...for a moment...I believed her...and I started crying...sobbing...I hadn't cried before…I wouldn't…couldn't give her the satisfaction…and she just smiled at me…this awful smile...and then she left…"

There was a terrible silence. Alex could think of no word of comfort, nothing that she could do to ease Bobby's pain.

"I have to face her." His voice was low and hoarse. "I have to show her…she didn't break me completely…I have to get back to work…I have to…"

Alex touched him gently on his chest. "I understand," she whispered. "I don't want you to go through any more pain, but I understand…"

He reached hesitantly to touch her chin. "I…I can't do it by myself…I don't know if I can do it at all…" He trembled.

"I'm here…I'll help you…I'm here…" She helped him to the bathroom.

Wearing clean boxers and a T-shirt, Bobby emerged from his shower to find Alex had changed the sheets on his bed. "You…do too much for me," he said shyly as he slipped into bed.

"Hey, I'm leaving the laundry for tomorrow," she said.

"Logan's supposed to get me to my appointment with Huang," Bobby said as Alex tucked the covers around him. "I'm sure he'd love to help with the laundry."

Alex smiled.

Bobby looked up at her. "Alex….everyone is being so good to me…please…I try to thank them…let them know how much it means…" He struggled with his voice. "Please tell them…"

"I will," she said and let her hand rest against his cheek.

She sat in the chair to make sure he fell asleep. She had started to drowse when he spoke again.

"Alex…"

She was immediately awake. "Yes, Bobby?"

"You've done…you do so much…but there's one thing…"

She sat on the edge of the bed. "What is it?"

"I…I need to go…to Carmel Ridge…go through my mom's stuff…they've kept it in storage…could you…."

"Of course." But even as she agreed, Alex feared what this might do to Bobby.

Bobby sat quietly across from Dr. George Huang. His office had become extremely familiar to him in the past weeks—Bobby thought he knew every contour of the brown couch and every color in the pattern of the soft rug. He'd also memorized most of the titles of the books lining the wall behind Huang's desk and identified most of the trees and plants in the small courtyard visible from the office's window. Bobby liked Huang and trusted him, liked the quiet security of his office; but he did not like some of the memories and fears he had to deal with within those walls. He knew that Huang held much of his fate in his hands—that Huang's opinion would weigh heavily with those making the decision to allow or deny him a chance to return to work. In his mind Bobby admitted that he was glad Huang had this responsibility; he sensed that the psychiatrist was on his side, that Huang wanted him to return to work. But he also knew that Huang would not allow his personal feelings for or against anyone to hinder his judgment. Bobby knew Huang would keep him safe, and keep others safe from him.

Huang studied his patient carefully. He had come to like Bobby Goren; he wanted him to get better and believed the best result for the detective would be for him to return to work. Huang was pleased with Bobby's progress, but he knew the coming weeks would be a terrible test.

"The dreams...?" Huang asked.

Bobby fiddled with his pants cuff. "It's... it's discouraging. They go away for a night or two...and then..." He stared out the window. "I had a really bad one last night...if Alex hadn't been there..."

"Detective Eames is still staying with you?"

"Yea...I keep telling her...she doesn't have to..." Bobby blinked. "She's not going to get in trouble, is she? I worry about her..." Bobby fiddled again with his cuff. "I'm dropping so much on her..."

Huang leaned forward. "Your captain has told me in very certain terms that Detective Eames is doing exactly what he wants her to..."

"It can't go on...forever...the brass won't let a Major Case detective...babysit..." Bobby's voice had a despairing tone.

"I don't think anyone views it that way." Huang was calm. "Look, you've made amazing physical and emotional progress...it just takes time..."

"I know...I know..." Bobby leaned forward. "I'm also worried that Alex...I'm dropping all these nightmares on her...and she's so angry...at Nicole, mostly and rightly...but at me...and herself..."

"Would you like me to try to talk to her?"

Bobby nodded. "Although...I gotta warn you...Alex is not a wholehearted admirer of the psychiatric profession."

Huang smiled. "There are times when I agree with her." He grew serious. "Next week...that's when you're scheduled to testify before the Grand Jury?"

Bobby nodded. "I think...I'm as ready...as I can be...Novak has...she's done a good job..."

"She's taking the lead in the case?"

"She and Carver are cooperating...really..." Bobby leaned back in his chair. "It's just...for me...and Carver...it would...we both decided...it would just be too uncomfortable..."

Huang glanced at his calendar. "Would you like some extra sessions...before or after?"

"That...yea..." Bobby was deep in thought.

"Is there something else?"

Bobby leaned forward and rested his head in his hands. "This Saturday...I'm going to Carmel Ridge to pick up my mom's stuff...and I know it's going to be hard."

"Someone...Detective Eames...going with you?"

Bobby nodded. "And really truthfully...I don't know if I'm grateful or afraid about that."

On Saturday morning, Alex drove up to find Bobby waiting in front of his apartment. He stood bundled heavily against the cold, and Alex thought he looked terribly alone.

"I could've come up," she said as he slipped in beside her.

"I...I know...I woke up early...I took a walk..." He was shy and uncertain.

"How'd you sleep?" Alex asked as she worked her car through the light traffic. Bobby had gently insisted that she leave him the previous night.

"Better than I expected...only one dream...not too bad," he answered. He stared out the window. "I appreciate you doing this, Alex...but...I..." He turned to look at her. "This is so strange...this may be the last time...I ever go to this place...I've always hated it so much...it always seemed to take forever to get to and from it...and the time there..." He stared at his hands. "My mom...it seems that I lost her so many times..."

Alex concentrated on the entrance to the highway. "I can't imagine it, Bobby...there was a period...when my mom had her stroke...it seemed like we were losing little parts of her..." She glanced at Bobby. "I know it's not the same...but it's all I got..."

He gave her a wan smile. "I...know what you're trying to do...thank you..."

They traveled in silence for a few miles.

Alex spoke first. "I had a phone call from George Huang," she said cautiously.

Bobby started.

"Don't worry, Bobby," Alex said. "I'm not going to explode. He was honest...said you were worried about me...after I got through my little fit, I was actually touched..."

"I didn't mean to intrude...it's just you've...you've been doing so much...dealing with so much..." Bobby was deeply frightened.

"Look...you've got more than enough to worry about...I'll take care of myself." Alex decisively changed lanes. "But I am going to talk to Huang."

Bobby's relief was obvious. "He's good at what he does, Alex..."

"Yea…I know…Olivia Benson had just about talked me into seeing him when he called…" Alex glanced at Bobby. "She's been…a big help…" She turned her attention back to the road. "So, where's the best place to grab breakfast?"

"I…I…don't know…I was always in such a hurry to get to and from…" Bobby swallowed.

Alex paused. "Everything," she thought, "is going to be a minefield today."

Bobby broke the silence. "But I really need some coffee, Alex…so if you want to chance the next exit…"

At the next exit Alex pulled off the road, and they found the usual chains and two diners. Alex opted for the scruffier looking of the pair.

"The tougher it looks the better the coffee," Alex declared as they slid into a booth.

"Or the greater the likelihood of food poisoning," Bobby said just loud enough for Alex to hear.

"This from a man who's eaten octopus!" Alex laughed.

In spite of their mission, breakfast was a relaxed affair. The young waitress flirted slightly with Bobby once she realized Alex was quietly amused by it. Bobby began to relax and even managed a few bites of breakfast.

"Point to you," Bobby said as they piled in the car, "the coffee is really good."

"And the restrooms were clean," Alex declared.

"And I have to admit, the food was considerably better than the octopus." Bobby's gentle smile warmed Alex.

They drove in a comfortable silence for some time. At one point, Bobby gave her a warning.

"Slow down through here—I've nearly picked up a few speeding tickets…"

"Talk your way out of them, Goren?"

He shook his head. "I took the easy way out…flashed my badge…"

Alex let out a mock sigh. "And here I thought you and I were the last honest cops…"

"Hey…I know about those free cups of coffee you get from that bodega…" Bobby's smile turned to a grin, and Alex realized it was the first time she had seen that expression since the attack.

"Perks…nothing but little perks…" she answered.

Another silence descended in the car, but Alex sensed Bobby's growing tension.

"You…" She swallowed. It was ridiculous to ask if he was ok when he so obviously wasn't. "You want to talk about something?"

Several miles went by before he answered.

"It's…this is going to be hard…" He stared out the window. "Everyone there…feels so horrible…and it's not their fault…"

Alex failed to hide the grunt of exasperation that came from her.

"Really, Alex…they screen their employees very carefully…and they're wonderful…but it's hard to get people to work…" Bobby was still staring out the window. "Amy Cho had great references…wonderful experience…they had no way of knowing she was involved with someone like Griffin…" His voice trailed off.

"I don't understand…the dynamics among those three." Alex had watched some of the interrogations of Nicole's accomplices and had been left baffled.

"Well, they clearly weren't what Nicole expected…their alliances broke down almost immediately. And I believe what Cho said…that she didn't know the whole plan…and she was under Griffin and Nicole's thumbs…" Bobby took a deep breath. "That…that night…I told you about…when Nicole…"

Alex tried not to shiver at the memory of Bobby's description. "Yea," she said softly.

"Amy Cho came…loosened the ropes a little…gave me some water…it may have kept me alive…"

"Excuse me if I don't think she should get a medal," Alex responded angrily.

"She might have been killed for doing it," Bobby said quietly.

The car remained quiet aside from Bobby's quiet directions. As they reached the Carmel Ride entrance Alex slowed the car.

"Do they know what happened to you?" she asked softly.

"Most don't…Dr. Shimo…a couple others…know the details…but most of the staff just knows I got hurt…" Bobby stared at the looming security post. "I…I…don't know…if…I can do this…"

Alex stopped the car and reached for his hand. "You don't have to do this…they can send the things…or I can get them. But if you want to go on, I'm here…"

He stared down at their entwined hands. "I…I know…" He stiffened like a soldier at attention. "Let's …do this."

Alex wasn't quite sure what she expected Carmel Ridge to be like. Movies and books had prepared her for a ghastly, dark, castle with bars on the doors and howling patients, but Carmel Ridge was, even on a cold winter's morning, pleasant and relaxing, with large, heavily treed grounds. Several small cottage like buildings dotted the grounds (for patients who were more capable or near discharge or staff members Bobby explained), and the bare gardens showed signs of careful attendance. The main building seemed more a hotel than a hospital. The security guard posted at the main gate recognized Bobby and expressed a genuine sympathy and sorrow.

Bobby felt his heart turning to lead. As Alex drove through the grounds he considered asking her to turn the car around or jumping from it. Dr. Shimo waited for them at the front of the main building. He was gracious, apologetic, concerned about Bobby. He turned to Alex, and Bobby realized he had no idea how to introduce her.

"This…this is my…my friend, Alex Eames," Bobby finally said and felt his heart lighten a bit when Alex gave him a quick but genuine smile.

It seemed to take forever to move through the facilities' corridors. Alex noted that the patients appeared calm and happy, although a few bore the glassy-eyed stare of the heavily medicated. Bobby had told her that Carmel Ridge had a reputation for not stoking its residents with pills—it was one of many things that led him to placing his mother there—but the medications were often necessary for the safety of the patients and the staff. The staff was friendly and seemed genuinely concerned about Bobby, offering him quiet words of sympathy. Several patients were more effusive with their words and actions; one older woman gripped his arm tightly and spoke rapidly and passionately about how much she missed Frances. A sad-eyed man in his thirties stopped Bobby and, in a rambling and repeating speech, told him how sorry he was and how much he missed Mrs. Goren.

Through it all, Bobby was calm, considerate, courteous, gentle, especially with the patients. "He's such a good, brave man," Alex thought and anger raged through her that anyone would want to hurt him.

They finally reached a small conference room.

"I'm sorry we had to move her things," Dr. Shimo said.

"I understand," Bobby said. "You needed the room." He studied the few boxes that contained his mother's earthly goods. "How is Mrs. Schull?" He turned to Alex. "My mom's roommate…sweet lady…"

"Doing well…she was very upset, of course…but she's recovering." Dr. Shimo stood uncertainly. "I can't tell you how upset everyone is, Robert…"

"I know." Bobby stood next to the table, his body turned away from the doctor. "I…I'm sorry…I don't mean to be rude…but it's hard…"

"I understand…don't worry about it…just have the desk page me when you're about to leave." Shimo gave Alex a nod and left them.

Bobby sat at the table and opened a box. Alex felt helpless and useless.

"What would you like me to do?" she whispered.

He started as if he had suddenly been reminded of her presence. "I'm going to separate this into three piles—one to stay here, one to throw away, one to take—if you could help keep it apart…and put it into boxes when I empty them…"

Bobby moved methodically through his mother's possessions. Her clothes consisted mostly of sweatshirts and pants—Bobby explained to Alex that they were easier for the staff to handle and that it had been year since his mother cared about her clothing—and Bobby set those aside for the center, as well as the expensive shampoos, soaps, and powders.

"You bought these?" Alex asked.

Bobby scarcely looked up from his sorting. "Yea," he said softly. "It was one of the few things she could enjoy at times."

The boxes of thing to be left at the center and to be discarded grew rapidly, but nothing entered the one destined to be carried away by Bobby. They finally arrived at the last box; Bobby opened it and stared inside. Then, bitterly and angrily, he pushed it away next to the boxes set for the trash pile. Alex glanced inside.

"Bobby…wait…there's photos and books in here…" Before he could protest, Alex lifted several books and pictures out of the box, and her heart broke. Every photo was torn or mutilated; every book had been ripped or shredded. She stared mutely at Bobby.

He pushed away from the table and stood up. He began to pace around the room. "She'd get…she'd think the books were codes…and she had to destroy them…the photos were people spying on her…or people she had to destroy…" He rubbed the back of his neck. "I'd replace what I could…usually the next day she was fine and wondered what happened to her things…since the Garrett case…she…it happened more often…I just thought…that there might be something…"

Alex looked at the shredded photos in her hands; she could see bits of Bobby in his uniform, a beautiful curly haired child with dark eyes smiling, a young woman with the same eyes laughing. She recognized one photo of her and Bobby with the Mayor and Police Commissioner. "Oh Bobby," she said and moved towards the box. "Maybe we could salvage…"

"No…look on the box…" Bobby pointed to the top. There, scrawled in broad black ink, were the words "For Robert Goren". "The staff didn't put these in here…they wouldn't do that…my mom did this…probably just before…" Bobby stared into space. "That's what she'd do when she got angry with me…she'd destroy everything…there's nothing worth saving…c'mon…let's get out of here."

For the next minutes Alex felt swept in a whirlwind. Bobby was still polite, still kind, but in a fever to leave. It was the dinner hour, so they fortunately encountered few patients and staff. Bobby quietly promised to stay in touch, but he quickly signed the few papers Dr. Shimo handed to him. Shimo noticed that Bobby carried nothing with him.

"I'm sorry," the doctor said. "Everything…"

"Yes." Alex could see Bobby's muscles dancing beneath his skin.

"All right," Shimo said. "Be good, Robert…if it's possible…have a good life…you've been a good son…and are a good man…"

Bobby shook his hand and spun away. He stopped after a few steps, so suddenly that Alex moved a few steps beyond him before she realized he wasn't at her side. He turned back to face Shimo.

"I'm…sorry…you…everyone here…there's no way I can tell you how much…what you did…but right now…"

Shimo nodded. "I understand…you can tell us later…"

"Thank you, " Bobby choked out.

It was horribly silent in the car. Alex struggled to think of something to say to the tormented man beside her; nothing seemed remotely adequate. He sat, a large dark mass, deeply huddled in his coat.

"Alex…" Alex nearly swerved the car at the sound of his voice. "Are you hungry?"

"Are you?" she answered.

"Not…really…but you're doing all the work." His voice was mechanical and hollow.

"I can wait until we get back to the city…but a cup of coffee would be great…" She sensed rather than saw his nod of agreement.

They stopped at a gas station for the coffee, gas, and a restroom break. In the station's bleak, bright lights, Bobby looked like a gaunt ghost.

"It's not bad, for gas station coffee," Alex said when they were again on the road.

"Free coffee always tastes good," Bobby said flatly.

Alex settled her cup in a holder. "Bobby," she said cautiously and softly. "Like I've said…you can tell me whatever you want…."

She glanced at him; the passing lights created strips of white light across him. There was a long silence before he finally spoke.

"I…I just wish." His dark eyes stared into the black night. "I just wish…that…when she died…she knew…knew that I was a good son."

Alex didn't dare look to see if he was crying, or if he saw the tears running down her face.

End Chapter 14


	15. Chapter 15

This chapter contains some rough language (the "F" word). And that light at the end of the tunnel isn't a light--it's a train.

Chapter 15

Alex sat on the hard, wooden bench across from the Grand Jury room. The light above the door indicated that the jury was currently hearing testimony—the testimony of Detective Robert Goren. Alex shifted and tried to find a comfortable position on the bench. Giving her testimony—describing how she found Bobby and his condition—had been wrenching enough, but this waiting was another form of torture.

Alex glanced across the hall, where a small group had gathered. Logan and Barek had also testified and stayed to show their support, as had Olivia Benson and Elliott Stabler. Deakins had appeared just before Alex entered the room, and she was glad to see him standing near Bobby when she finished. George Huang was speaking to Stabler and Benson, and Ron Carver hovered near the jury room door.

That morning Alex had spoken to Carver in a civil tone for the first time in several weeks. She had made and, more amazingly, kept an appointment with Huang earlier in the week. Even more amazingly, at least to Alex, the session helped her. At one point Alex found she was standing in front of Huang's desk and raging at Nicole Wallace, the NYPD, Ron Carver, and Bobby Goren.

"Stupid," she screamed. "How could they be so stupid? And Carver…if he'd done his job…" She looked for something to break, to hit, but Huang's office was free of targets. Alex grabbed one of the couch's large pillows and slammed it repeatedly on the edge of a table. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" She wasn't one to swear, but the word boiled up from her body. "How could he be so fucking stupid? He's a genius…he can see inside people…put things together? How could he?" She stopped, suddenly aware her anger was directed at Bobby. "Oh, God," Alex whispered. "How can I…after all he's gone through…" She slumped into a chair and was vaguely aware of Huang calmly handing her a glass of water and some tissues as if people abused pillows every day in his office. "Which," Alex later thought, "they probably do."

"How can you be angry at Detective Goren?" Huang asked gently.

Alex looked up at him. "It…wasn't his fault…it's like he said…we can't let the what-ifs drive us crazy…"

Huang sat on the edge of his desk. "Look, the anger is understandable…Detective Goren is pretty furious with Detective Goren too…you both know it's illogical…without merit…but you both need some time for your minds to believe it…"

Alex felt empty and raw. "I…I didn't realize I was so angry…especially at Bobby…Detective Goren…" She tossed a tissue into the wastebasket. "I…I don't feel better…"

Huang smiled at her. "You probably won't for a while, but give it a little time…"

And Alex did feel better once her emotions were slightly less raw and bleeding. "Makes sense," she thought after a long session going over her testimony with Novak and Carver. "The Eames' policy has always been to deal with problems head-on…and my grandmother always said that mushrooms are the only good things that grow in the dark…"

A sudden stir brought Alex from her contemplation; the light over the jury room had gone out. She rose from the bench and moved towards the door. A well dressed woman with a tight, tense expression that Alex guessed was the latest in the line of Nicole's attorneys emerged first and immediately entered into an intense conversation with Carver. Casey Novak appeared a few moments later, leading an unnaturally quiet and still Robert Goren. Novak pulled Huang and Alex to the side.

"It…he was…" She chose her words carefully. "His testimony was…gut wrenching…but he was…extraordinary…the Grand Jury was already ready to indict Wallace…and convict her, if they had the chance…but after Detective Goren…I think every one of them was willing to send her away for life and throw away the key…and more than a few willing to send her to Death Row…" Novak nodded towards Carver and the defense attorney. "She's probably desperately trying to get the best deal possible for Wallace…"

"And Nicole won't take it." Alex said flatly, her eyes on Bobby.

"I can't believe…look, I know she's obsessed…and vindictive," Novak said. "But she has to realize she has no chance with a jury…"

"She doesn't care about that," Alex said. "She just wants to hurt him…as much as possible…"

Novak looked at Huang, who shook his head. "I'm afraid Detective Eames is right…Ms. Wallace's only thought is to attack Detective Goren…"

Novak stiffened. "I hope you're wrong…but if we go to trial…I'll rip her apart…" The savage tone in her voice surprised both Alex and Huang. "I know," Novak said. "I'm supposed to remain logical about this…but he doesn't deserve what's happening…I'm sorry…I need to speak with Mr. Carver…"

As Novak passed by Bobby she brushed his arm and spoke a few words of gratitude. Bobby barely responded.

Alex and Huang moved toward him. He was impeccably dressed in one of his best suits, his hair newly cut and his chin free of stubble. But the suit hung loosely on his frame; his face was pale; and his eyes surrounded by dark circles. His shoulders slumped, and his body radiated pain.

Huang approached him. "Do you want…"

"No…not now…" Bobby's voice was a rough whisper. "I'm sorry…but I don't want to talk about it now…"

"Of course," Huang said. "Later…whenever you're ready…" He walked away to speak to Novak and Carver.

Alex, in the uncomfortably familiar position of not having any idea what to say, stood before Bobby. She tentatively placed her hands on his broad chest; to her relief, he didn't pull away.

"Novak said you were great."

He blinked, but didn't look directly at her.

"You want to go home…get some rest?"

"Uh…yeah…" He glanced at her.

"Ok…I'll get you there…" She was about to guide him away when Deakins appeared next to them.

"Bobby…I understand…you probably want to get away…but just a moment…I have some good news."

"Nicole's been killed by other inmates?" Alex said bitterly.

Deakins and Bobby both gave her a warning look.

"No…" Deakins said in a resigned voice, "but I have to confess that wouldn't upset me…"

Alex felt a pang of guilt. Deakins had been a rock throughout this ordeal; he was on Bobby's side. "Sorry," she said quietly.

"You're just saying what a lot of us are thinking," Deakins said. He turned to Bobby. "Huang and your other doctors feel you're ready for some light duty…"

Bobby stared at his captain for a moment, and then hope and joy began to glow from him.

"Don't get too excited," Deakins said, but it was obvious he was almost as happy as Bobby. "It's desk duty…perhaps some consultation…and I don't need to tell you you'll be observed…but it's a first step toward getting you back full time…"

"I understand." Bobby couldn't hide the excitement in his voice, but a shadow appeared in his eyes. "You…you trust me…"

"I wouldn't have ok'd this if I didn't, Bobby." Deakins spoke firmly. "I'm in your corner, but not to the point of endangering you or anyone else. Besides…" He turned to a suddenly beaming Alex Eames, "Alex is about to drive everyone crazy…Logan and Barek are just about ready to force you back just to get her off their backs…"

Bobby's shoulders didn't slump. He no longer appeared quite so gaunt and exhausted; Alex thought he even seemed to fill out his suit better. "Thank you," he said to Deakins. "I know…you must have fought for this…"

Deakins waved off the thanks. "You and Alex are my best detectives…you've made me look a lot better than I am…I need you guys…and you make the brass look better, even if they hate to admit it…" He checked his watch. "I need to get back...and I'll expect you, Goren, early on Monday…"

"I'll be there," Bobby answered.

Alex and Bobby stood for a few moments grinning stupidly at each other. "I'm hungry," Bobby said suddenly.

"Me too," Alex said as she realized she'd been unable to eat breakfast that morning.

"Well, look at the Dynamic Duo…awfully happy about something…" Mike Logan's voice crossed the hall.

Alex, Bobby following her, walked across the hall. "We just found out Bobby's coming back to work…to save your butt, Logan." Alex felt slightly giddy.

"Oh, you mean you two are actually going to do some work?" Logan answered.

"I hope so…I certainly hope so," Bobby said.

"We were about to join Benson and Stabler for lunch," Barek said quietly. "Want to come?"

Alex glanced at Bobby, who nodded. "Ok," she said, "but only if Stabler doesn't choose the place…I've heard about his idea of good food…"

"But you'll trust a man who'll eat octopus," Bobby said.

Alex grinned at him. "I didn't say anything about letting you pick, Goren."

"You know," Logan said as they walked towards their colleagues, "if we do this right this late lunch could turn into an early dinner…"

"I'm not paying for one meal, Logan, let alone two." Bobby was relaxed, cheerful, as happy as Alex could remember seeing him in a long time.

They had nearly reached the elevator when Bobby saw Huang just down the hall. "Just a moment," he said and walked quickly to the psychiatrist.

"Thank you," Bobby said. "I just found out…I'm going back to work…"

Huang smiled; the detective's happiness was obvious and contagious. "You've worked hard…dealt with a lot…I wouldn't have agreed to it if I didn't think you were ready…"

Bobby responded to Huang's unspoken concerns. "I…I know it'll be hard…facing everyone…knowing that they know what happened to me…" His posture slumped for a moment. "And I know…Nicole…this case is going to go on for a while…but…if I can work…I know it's on a limited basis…but it's something…"

Huang nodded. "We can talk about it…"

"Yes," Bobby nodded. He hesitated. "I know…I've shut down in our last sessions…it's just…I'll work…I promise…"

"I understand," Huang said. "Good luck, Detective."

Bobby nodded and turned back to join his colleagues. He saw Alex smiling. "I can do this," he thought. "With her, I can do this." And for once he managed to shove away the shadows in his head.

It was hard, in many ways as hard as anything he'd ever done. He arrived early on his first day back—Alex had offered to drive him, but he felt he needed to ride the subway, walk the few steps, ride the elevator—and to do it alone. The Major Case Squad room was nearly empty when, his heart racing, he stepped  
from the elevator. It was essentially the same, and Alex had warned him of the few changes—that Logan and Barek were now closer to the middle of the room, that a new copier graced the corner—but Bobby knew the room would never be the same for him. There were three detectives in the room when he entered; the two he recognized welcomed him back warmly and introduced him to the third, an addition to the squad, who expressed interest in seeing Bobby in action. The administrative assistant who was present was more effusive—Bobby sensed she wanted to give him a hug, but she settled for a warm and genuine, "I'm glad you're back."

There were neat piles of correspondence and messages on his desk; arranged there by Alex, as evidenced by the yellow sticky notes identifying each pile.  
"Totally worthless information from the brass" read one, with another listed as "stuff you really don't need to know," and another, "you probably don't want to deal with these—requests from the blood sucking weasels." This last pile, an appallingly large number of phone messages, consisted of requests for interviews from what seemed to be every media outlet in the New York City area. Bobby stared at them for a moment and unceremoniously dumped them into his waste basket. At the bottom of the pile was a plain, white envelope; Bobby opened it cautiously to find a card bearing a silly cartoon and the signatures of everyone in Major Case. Most had simply signed it, but a few had added a short note, including an "About time" from Logan and Barek's "Good luck." For a moment Bobby's vision blurred; he carefully slid the card back in its envelope and placed it in a drawer. He clicked on his computer and began dealing with the backup of emails, deleting the vast majority—including yet more interview demands—keeping some, replying to those he could. He'd made decent inroads into both the paper and electronic demands when he sensed Alex's presence. He felt deeply comforted that his Alex ESP regarding her physical movements was still working. Their shared ability to recognize the others' presence appeared during the week after both Alex and Bobby knew their partnership was going to work. They occasionally spooked other cops, suspects, and even each other with their ability to sense the other. Alex claimed it was some sort of intuition; Bobby thought it was more a matter of recognizing each other's scent.

"Hey," she said softly and placed a large cup of coffee before him. Bobby's nose picked up the rich smell of chocolate.

"You splurged for the mocha," he said. He glanced at his watch. "And you're early..."

Alex dropped into her chair. "I figured you'd be here early...I had some vague hopes of beating you in..." She looked closely at Bobby; he was staring at his  
watch. Alex checked around the office, which was fortunately still relatively unoccupied. "What is it? What's wrong?"

Bobby stiffened. "The watch," he said. "It's new...my old one was...smashed...when..." He shook his head. "I'm ok...I just have to watch out for these reminders..." He gave her what he hoped was a reassuring smile.

"I'm here, ok?" Alex said leaning towards him.

"I know."

The day was full of moments when things were much worse than Bobby expected, and much better than he hoped. He constantly felt the eyes of everyone boring in on him throughout the morning, and several times when he turned from his computer or from the copier, he saw two or three people whispering and glancing in his direction. "I can't do this," he thought after the first of these, "I can't...not with them knowing what happened to me...to my mom..." But Deakins welcomed him back warmly and proceeded to calmly pile work on him as if it were any other day. Bobby caught his captain closely watching him at several points in the day, but Deakins' expression was always one of concern rather than fear. Logan appeared, loudly commenting, "It's about time, Goren. You need to work that super brain of yours." Barek dropped a wonderful smelling package on his desk and warned, "These are for you, Goren...keep your partner's grubby hands off of them." Alex stuck her tongue out at Barek as she left. "I saw that, Alex," Barek laughed as she moved to her desk.

And there was Alex. Calm, funny, warm Alex. He sensed none of the fear or shame that had occasionally radiated from her in the past weeks, and none of the anger that seemed to be boiling just beneath her surface. She was away from her desk for part of the day--"I have actual cases to deal with...not your life of luxury," she told Bobby, causing him to snort his coffee--but made sure to be around to take Bobby to lunch.

He wasn't very hungry, but grateful for the chance to escape his desk. He was only slightly surprised when Alex guided him to a small park near the office.

"A hotdog?" Bobby said in mock horror. "Your idea of a celebration is a hotdog?"

"Hey," Alex said, laughing and tossing her wind-blown hair out of her eyes, "I'm a working girl...but you can get the jumbo with the works."

They sat quietly and comfortably as they ate their lunch and watched the people in the park. Bobby luxuriated in the sun's warmth and Alex's presence.

"So," Alex said as she moved the wrapper down her hotdog, "how's it going?" Her tone was light, but Bobby sensed the tension in her voice.

Bobby watched a young couple trying not to show that they couldn't keep their hands off each other. "It's...hard...sometimes." He closed his eyes and opened them again. "Sometimes I feel like I'm transparent...that everyone can see right through me...that everyone knows..." He took a deep breath. "But...it's so good to be back...just to be back..." He chanced a look at her. "It's good to be back with  
you, Alex...to know you waited for me...and...you've helped me..."

Alex dusted crumbs from her coat. "Hey, it took me long enough to get you trained...I'm not giving up on you so easy..." She touched his shoulder softly. "You going to be ok?"

"I..I think so...it seems to get better the longer I can go..." He smiled at her, and Alex felt its warmth flow through her.

It was his body that betrayed him, not his mind. Logan saw Bobby wince as he fumbled with the copier; Barek caught him limping back to his desk. Both reported him to Alex, who arrived at his desk a little before three.

"C'mon, tough guy," she said holding his coat. "Time for you to get some rest..."

Bobby started to protest, but realized his body was simply too exhausted. "I'm only doing this because you're probably right," he said wearily as Alex helped  
him on with his coat.

"Goren," Logan called from his desk, "you are going to grace us with your presence tomorrow, right?"

"Of course he is," Alex called back as she ushered Bobby towards the door. "You don't have him as an excuse for your bad attitude."

Logan grinned and Barek rolled her eyes as Alex and Bobby left.

He was too tired to argue when Alex helped him home, too bone weary to keep her from guiding him into his apartment and on his couch.

"How you doing?" she asked gently as she put a pillow behind his head.

"Just...really tired..." Every word seemed to cost Bobby another part of his dwindling energy. "I guess...I was so worried about...inside my head...I  
forgot my body took a..." He blinked.

"You just rest...I'll get us some dinner, ok?" Her voice came from far away; in the haze of his exhaustion Alex seemed to be some beautiful vision.

"Ok," he murmured. "Alex?"

"Yea..."

"Thank you. I...can never begin..."

"You want to thank me, you get better, ok?"

"'K," he answered and drifted into sleep.

Alex watched Bobby. "Ok," she thought. "One day down...just take them one day at a time."

End Chapter 15


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

With time, it got better. Every day that Bobby made it to work was a small victory, and some days were larger victories than others. His body's protests became less and less, and, after completing his physical therapy sessions, he managed to return to a regular workout schedule. He began assisting with interrogations, and was relieved that his experiences had left him neither too cautious and sensitive nor too callous and unfeeling. To his surprise, he found that his handling of victims—always notable for its care and insight—became even gentler and more productive. Deakins started handing him more and more assignments, and Bobby and Alex were soon partners again. Bobby had essentially been on active duty for two weeks when Deakins quietly but happily informed him of the fact. As Bobby turned to leave Deakins' office he paused.

"What is it?" Deakins asked him.

"It's just…" Bobby turned back to face his captain. "I…you've done so much for me…I know…it must have been difficult to deal with the brass on this…thank you."

Deakins gazed steadily at him. "Look, Bobby, as far as following procedure and not ruffling feathers, you're the worst cop in the world…" A half smile crossed Deakins's face. "But you're one of the best detectives I've ever seen…you make me and the department look good…don't worry…"

"Yes sir." Bobby turned back to the door.

"And Bobby…" Deakins stopped him. "If you need anything…anything…let me know…"

Bobby's vision blurred. "Yes sir. Thank you…"

There were still difficult moments, difficult days. He could still feel stares at his back and caught people talking about him. He still had occasional nightmares, still hated the dark, and he remained extremely sensitive to cold. And he hated to be touched, except by Alex. He occasionally saw Huang—usually after a bad night or case—but their sessions, at least to Bobby, were less therapy than an exchange of ideas. But some moments could still bring him to his knees.

He woke one Saturday morning after a blissfully nightmare free night to sunlight streaking his face. "It'll be a nice day for the drive to Carmel Ridge" he thought, and remembered there was no reason to drive to Carmel Ridge. Bobby sat stunned on the edge of his bed; a wave of emotion sent him diving to his pillow, and he clung to it as he sobbed. He was lost to the world until he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"Bobby." Alex's voice was soft and kind. "What happened? What's wrong?"

He struggled to control his crying. He managed to stop the sobs, but began hiccupping. Alex left and returned with a large glass of water.

"Drink it slowly," she said.

Bobby, feeling horribly like a small child, obeyed. His eyes were downcast as he handed the glass to Alex.

"I hope," she said, "this isn't your way of getting out of buying me breakfast." She didn't press him on the reasons for his collapse; in the past weeks Alex had discovered that it was best to wait until Bobby talked about things. They were on their second cup of coffee before Bobby spoke about the morning.

"I'm sorry you…well…found me…that you had to wait…" His attention was on his cup.

"It's ok…do you want to tell me what happened?"

"I…I woke up…and thought it would be a nice day for the drive to Carmel Ridge…" Bobby put the cup down and fingered his knife. "And then I remembered there's no reason to go to Carmel Ridge…"

Alex's throat tightened. She reached for Bobby's hand and was grateful he didn't pull away.

"It's…little things now…they…blindside me…" He stared at their hands. "You…you trust me, Alex?"

"Yes," she answered immediately. "I've felt much better…having you back as my partner…"

"It's just…" Bobby sighed. "I've told Huang…I think…if it was just being attacked…or just my mom…separately…I could've handled one…but…"

"You got a lot of whammies at once," Alex said softly.

"Whammies…" Bobby said ruefully. "That's one way of describing them…" He gave her a weak smile.

The waitress appeared to refill their cups. "It's good to have you back," she said to Bobby. "Even when you have a friend." She grinned at Alex.

"Girlfriend?" Alex teased as she walked away.

"Nah," Bobby said. "Way too young…but nice." He grew somber again. "Alex…I worry…I've not been in a really tight spot since I got back…I…I don't know how I'll react…I know that Deakins wouldn't put me back on the streets if he didn't think…and I know Huang wouldn't clear me…but still…"

"I trust you," Alex said simply. "There's no one else I'd rather have covering my back."

"Same here," Bobby answered. They sat quietly and comfortably together as they finished their breakfast.

But Nicole's shadow hung over everyone. Every week brought a new legal maneuver or stunt. Alex, Barek, and Logan grew weary of giving statements and began to dread the sight of Ron Carver and/or Casey Novak. Logan became infuriated enough to contact the police union representative, who agreed to look into the case. Alex feared her rage enough to schedule a few sessions with Huang; Barek coped by baking. ("It's what I do," she shrugged to Alex. "I get mad, I pound dough.") And Bobby, the person in the darkest and deepest corner of the shadow, remained unnaturally calm, responding to each new outrage from Nicole with a weary smile and shake of the head.

The tabloid press swam like sharks around the story, thrashing at the smell of blood in the water. As the trial date approached, the frenzy increased, but the blood increasingly came from Nicole and not from Bobby. At some point the sharks decided Nicole was not the victim of an angry vindictive, unbalanced copy, but a psychotic, manipulative torturer and murderer who had targeted a brilliant, heroic police officer. Requests for interviews annoyed Bobby like buzzing mosquitoes, and Alex grew used to hearing him respond to two or three calls a day with the words, "I'm sorry. I can't comment on the case. Please contact Assistant District Attorney Ron Carver's office." The press turned on Nicole with even greater force as interviews with Amy Cho, Thomas Griffin, and Griffin's associate appeared in various places. Each pointed to Nicole as the mastermind behind the plot to attack Bobby and his mother; each named her as the one who had killed Frances Goren. The trio also hinted at other revelations—of the murders Nicole had instigated and committed while posing as Elizabeth Hitchins; of the deaths she was responsible for since then. Nicole's ex-husband even appeared to give an interview to a sympathetic ear in which he publicly thanked the NYPD and Detective Goren for saving him from his vindictive and obviously disturbed ex-wife.

"I don't understand," Alex said to Bobby after yet another meeting with Novak and Carver, "how you can stay so calm when she keeps manipulating the system?"

Bobby toyed with his pen. "I can't do anything about it…I've got to concentrate on work…" He gave Alex a quick smile. "Besides, you're furious enough about it for both of us."

Alex glared at him.

"I'm sorry," Bobby said quickly. "But…" He swung his chair close to Alex and whispered. "I…I…can't think about it…I…I couldn't function…I can only deal with it as it comes…if I start to think about having to face her…" He swallowed. "I can't…I just have to take it day to day…"

Alex felt the increasingly familiar pain of watching Bobby in torment. "I…understand…I think…"

He sat for a moment and gazed at her so intently Alex could barely meet his eyes. "I…couldn't do it without you…Thank you."

He swung his chair back to his desk, and Alex tried to calm the emotional firestorm in her head. She had nearly recovered when Logan, Barek, and Deakins approached her desk.

"Eames, Goren," Deakins said. "Logan and Barek would like a favor…"

Alex and Bobby looked up expectantly.

"So, what did your partner do now, Carolyn?" Alex asked. Pulling Logan's chain had become one of her favorite pastimes.

"Nothing…yet," Barek replied. "But it's early."

"Hey, Goren," Logan said in mock exasperation. "A little help here."

Bobby threw up his hands. "Hey, I'm not the super genius everyone says," he answered, "but I know enough not to get involved in this."

"I'll take all of this to mean you'll work together…get the details, and get back to me," Deakins said.

It was a simple request. Logan and Barek were about to arrest a suspect, George Avillo, for several high profile robberies. Bobby had already helped Barek in developing a profile, one that fit Mr. Avillo like a glove, and Alex had assisted Logan in gathering and analyzing the physical evidence, which fit Mr. Avillo even better. Their previous encounters with Mr. Avillo left both Barek and Logan with an uneasy feeling, and both detectives felt he was particularly agitated by Barek. Barek and Logan wanted support on the arrest that went beyond the usual uniforms.

"We wanted the best we could get," Logan told Alex and Bobby as they headed to their cars. "We wanted the two of you."

Logan and Barek's caution proved justified. Alex pulled the SUV behind the other detectives' car in front of the building that was George Avillo's last known residence. Logan and Barek were already out of their car as Alex and Bobby began stepping from their vehicle. A slender man of about thirty stood at the top of the steps leading into the building. Both Logan and Barek had their hands inside their coats close to their weapons.

"Hey, George," Logan called. "We need to talk to you…"

Both Barek and Bobby, having emerged from the passenger side of their respective vehicles, were on the sidewalk. Logan stood just in front of his car; Alex was still on the street side of the SUV. Two marked cars were pulled up on the other side of the street.

"Gun!" The shout came from both Barek and Bobby; Alex grabbed for her weapon as she dropped behind the SUV. She heard three distinct shots and a loud "Fuck!" from Logan. Alex spun to scream to a uniform, "Call it in!" and moved quickly and cautiously behind Barek and Logan's car. Logan was rising from the pavement.

"I'm ok," he said. "Avillo ran in the building…where's Barek and Goren?"

"Dammit, Goren…get offa me…you're suffocating me!"

Logan shot Alex a slightly relieved look. They moved cautiously around the car to see Bobby Goren, his gun trained on the building, carefully untangling his body from Barek's.

"You two ok?" Logan asked hovering near Barek.

"Aside from being pushed to the pavement by Goren, yea." Barek sat up and rubbed a knee. "Now I know what quarterbacks feel like."

Bobby held a hand to her. "Sorry," he said as he helped her up. "It seemed the better move at the time."

Alex's heart started to settle back in her chest.

"He took a shot at us." Barek looked at a hole in the car. "Goren and I both got one off…but he headed in the building."

"Ok," Alex said waving at the uniforms. "Let's get this place secured…make sure he doesn't get out…and get people out of here."

Several minutes later, the four detectives, now encased in protective vests, cautiously entered the building; a small group of uniforms behind them. At the far end of the building, directly across from the front entrance, they saw a quick movement.

"Avillo!" Logan yelled. "Don't make it worse, man!"

The figure bolted down the stairs.

"Basement," Barek said quietly. "We'll go follow him…you guys go down these front stairs…"

Bobby and Alex nodded and started down the stairs. As usual for them in these situations, Bobby led. He moved cautiously but steadily, his flashlight cutting through the dusty darkness. As his eyes adjusted to the dim light, Bobby felt shivers of cold prick at his skin.

"It's so cold," he thought. "So cold and dark."

Bobby Goren frequently wondered if other people sensed things—saw, heard, smelled, tasted—the way he did. He wondered if they experienced moments when light was brighter, dark deeper, the air alive with vibrations. He was in the middle of one of those moments now. He could hear the crackle of the dirt beneath his and the other cops' feet; see, in spite of the dark, the shapes of abandoned furniture and empty boxes, pipes and trash scattered around the basement; smell the musty dust and hints of decay and waste. Above all, Bobby sensed Alex's presence just to his right and behind him—she was warm, solid, alive.

"I can do this," Bobby thought. "Alex is here…I can do this."

A box crashed in front of him, raising a cloud of dust as it swept through the beam of Bobby's flashlight. The other cops' flashlights, some blocked by Bobby's body, caught George Avillo. He leveled his gun.

"Back off!" He screamed.

Bobby considered his position. If anyone started shooting in the small, dark space, someone was bound to get hurt, and it might or might not be George  
Avillo.

"Please, Mr. Avillo," Bobby said in a calm clear voice. "Could we talk about this?"

"You want to kill me…just shoot me!" Avillo shouted.

"Mr. Avillo, I can assure you that's the last thing we want to do…look where we are…"

Avillo still held his gun pointed at Bobby, but the fear in his eyes seemed to slightly lessen.

Bobby continued speaking in his calm, even voice. He was afraid; he was sure that everyone within five feet could hear the pounding of his heart. But years of  
training and experience and study were overcoming the fear; Bobby felt a strange exultation. "This," a part of his mind thought, "is what you know how to do…maybe better than anyone…"

"Anyone starts shooting…in this place…a lot of people will probably get hurt…" Bobby cocked his head slightly and gave Avillo a quick smile. "And I'll probably be one of them…"

On the other side of the basement, Logan and Barek saw the dirt swirling in the flashlight beams and heard Bobby's steady voice. Barek pointed her gun in the  
direction of Avillo's voice; Logan softly laid his hand on her arm.

"It's not a good shot," he whispered. "And we need to give Goren a chance."

Barek shot him an uncertain look.

"He can do it," Logan said firmly. "I've seen him."

Bobby lowered his gun slightly. "Mr. Avillo…you don't have a history of violence." Bobby paused, and again gave Avillo a quick smile. "I was impressed with the  
fact you planned those robberies in ways that tried to avoid violence…that took intelligence and skill…real skill…this…the guns…shooting…that's not your style."

"I…I got scared…those other detectives…they scared me…" Logan and Barek thought they could see the tension seeping from Avillo.

"Yea," Bobby said. "We scare each other sometimes." His voice was almost congenial. 

Alex felt the impatience of the cops behind her. "Just let him do his job," she thought. "He can do this."

"I…I didn't want to hurt anyone…earlier…I just wanted…you to go away," Avillo pleaded.

Bobby nodded. "I thought so…you had a pretty easy shot…but you were just trying to warn us…but we can't go away, Mr. Avillo…it's important that we talk to  
you…"

Avillo was nodding with Bobby. "I…I don't want to get hurt…I know what cops do to people…"

"That won't happen," Bobby said. "I promise you."

Avillo still trained the gun on Bobby. "There are people…I work with…they'll…you have to protect me…"

"If you cooperate with us, I can promise you that…if you lead us to bigger fish, the prosecutors might even have a deal for you."

There was a long pause.

"I'd really appreciate it, Mr. Avillo…please." Bobby had lowered his gun. Alex held her breath. "I trust you," Bobby added. "To do the right thing."

There was another long pause. Bobby fought against shivering.

"Ok," Avillo said and placed his gun on a box. Within seconds, he was handcuffed and being shuffled up the stairs by a flock of uniforms. The four detectives followed in their wake.

As they stood watching Avillo placed in a squad car, Logan nudged Barek.

"I told you…didn't I…he handled it."

Barek looked admiringly at Bobby. "Very impressive, Goren…you want to come with me to the IRS?"

Alex felt an enormous amount of pride in Bobby and relief. "Good job, partner," she said as she moved to the SUV.

Bobby was quiet as they drove back to the office. His behavior scarcely worried Alex—Bobby was usually quiet after a difficult and/or dangerous situation—but it  
occurred to Alex that nothing was usual any more.

"Ok?" she asked, trying to make her voice sound normal, although she wasn't sure she remembered what normal was.

They traveled a few blocks before he answered.

"A little shaky…but not too bad." His voice was low but strong.

"Good." Alex answered.

They were back in the garage at One Police Plaza before either spoke again.

"You…what do you think…of how I did?" Bobby asked as they both slipped off their seatbelts.

Alex looked at him; his eyes met hers. "Great," she said firmly.

"You weren't worried?" He cautiously raised his eyes to her.

"I'm always worried when someone is pointing a gun at me, especially in a tiny room filled with other people with guns." Alex chanced a quick smile. "But you..." She touched his hand. "I was never worried about you."

"You...you mean it," Bobby said as he realized the depth of Alex's faith in him.

They walked quietly to the office, where a crowd of well wishers offered Bobby congratulations. Logan, who appeared to be the source of information on the day's events, shuffled out of one of the interrogation rooms.

"Avillo's singing like a canary," he said. "We're not only going to get him, but most of his associates and a lot more." He grinned at Alex and Bobby. "Thanks, Goren."

Bobby, a red tinge to his cheeks, braved the crowd to reach his desk. Alex was about to join him when Deakins touched her arm.

"Just a moment," he said softly and guided her to his office. He closed the door behind them.

Alex knew what her captain was about to ask.

"Logan's story," Deakins said, "is that Goren saved the city."

Alex smiled. "Not quite that...but he handled it perfectly...he certainly saved Barek...probably Avillo...and at least saved the department and the city from a mess."

Deakins returned her smile for a moment. "Seriously, Alex...how was he?"

"He...he was Bobby," Alex answered simply. "He studied the situation, figured out how to deal with it, and dealt with it. He...he was what he's always been."

A wave of relief swept from Deakins. "Good," he said quietly. "Thank you, Alex...I wouldn't have taken the chance...I couldn't...without you."

Alex fought against a lump in her throat. "It's...I...you're welcome," she finally said.

For the rest of the afternoon, Alex and Bobby dealt with the mundane and often mind numbing details involved in finishing up a case. Bobby and Barek had to turn in their guns, but Deakins informed them they would probably have them back the next day.

"Yea, and they both should get a medal with 'em," Logan said.

"What medal would that be?" Bobby asked. "Just for being on the passenger side?"

"Or surviving a tackle from Major Case's largest detective?" Barek laughed.

"Sorry about that," Bobby said, trying to hide beneath his desk.

"Hey," Barek said gently. "Much better than the alternative."

Deakins sent them home early; Logan insisted on a celebratory dinner. It was a calm, relaxed affair—for the first time in several months Alex felt she didn't have to watch everything she said. Bobby was Bobby again--funny, smart, gentle--and her heart and soul were overjoyed at his return.

Bobby walked her to a corner to catch a cab.

"You ok?" Alex asked.

"Yea...I mean, as much as you can be on a day when you talked a guy out of shooting you." He smiled at her.

"You need anything, you call..." She rested her hands softly on his coat.

"I know...I will...but I think..." He stared down the street for a moment before raising his gloved hands rest on hers. "I feel...like...like...I passed some test today..." Bobby looked down at her, and Alex saw strength and confidence in his eyes. "I can do this, Alex...it's hard...it will be hard...but I can do this...with you..."

Alex leaned into him, and Bobby's arms came around her.

"She can't beat us both," Alex whispered.

End Chapter 16


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

"Look out," Logan said under his breath as he passed by Alex's desk. "It's the sunshine twins."

Alex looked up from the phone records that had numbed her brain throughout the morning. Casey Novak and Ron Carver, both grim faced, were headed towards her and Bobby's desks.

"Oh, joy," Alex muttered and wished she had only the phone records to worry her. She caught sight of Bobby returning from a brief tussle with the copy machine; he stiffened as he saw Novak and Carver. An unhappily familiar rage rose in Alex. "Just when he gets everything together," she thought. "She hits him again…"

Bobby reached her desk just as Novak and Carver did.

"What's she done now?" Alex hissed.

Novak and Carver both winced; Bobby sighed.

"It's not their fault, Eames," Bobby said gently.

"I'm sorry," Novak said. "We don't enjoy this…I'm ready to throw Ms. Wallace in a cage and let Benson and Stabler at her…"

"Only if I get to join them," Alex said.

"We need to talk…" Carver said.

They found an empty conference room. Before she closed the blinds, Alex noticed the quick glances of many of the Major Case Squad's employees. "Must be like this all the time for Bobby," she thought. "How does he deal with it?"

Alex sat at one end of the table; Carver and Novak, with files before them as a shield, at the other. Bobby stood near the window.

"We may have good news," Carver said quietly. "Ms. Wallace has exhausted her resources. She was receiving some money from her ex-husband, but Mr. Haynes has managed to convince the court that her involvement in a conspiracy to murder him is a violation of their divorce agreement." The attorney smiled wearily.

"She's now represented by a public defender," Novak said. "And she's completely exhausted the patience of Judge Nickels…and that's saying a lot…Sarah Nickels is tough but fair on both sides…and she's threatening Ms. Wallace with a contempt citation if she continues her delaying tactics…"

"What about a psych exam?" Bobby had started pacing in the small corner near the window.

"She initially refused to see anyone…and was extremely uncooperative when she finally did," Carver said. "None of the specialists was able to get a complete profile, but they all agreed she wasn't insane by any legal definition." Carver gave a wan smile. "I think that's the only time I've every had every expert agree on a suspect's mental state…"

"What's all this mean?" Alex asked impatiently.

"It means we're going to trial within the month," Novak replied. She looked at Carver. "And we need to warn you…"

"She's going after my past," Bobby said flatly. "To make it look like I was obsessed with her."

"She can't do that, can she?" Alex was furious. "Doesn't Bobby have some protection as the victim?"

"Of course," Novak answered. Carver had wisely decided any response from him would only infuriate Alex. "And Judge Nickels has made it clear she'll squash any attempt to do that…Mr. Carver and I have also made it clear any attempt to bring up Detective Goren's background will result in the revelation of Ms. Wallace's crimes…her attorney may object, but the jury…and the public…will know…" Novak looked carefully at Alex. "But there's been hints…only hints, and we don't know where or how she got the information…but she may also try to get her attorney to question Detective Eames' past…and your partnership…"

Alex snorted. "Lot she knows. Judge Garrett already tried that."

Bobby was very still. He stood looking out the window, his arms folded and deep in thought.

"Precisely," Carver said. "And I want to be prepared…I want all of us to be prepared."

"We will be," Alex said ferociously.

Novak and Carver gathered their files.

"We'll stay in touch…and help you get ready to testify…" Novak said. "Look," she said turning first to Alex and then to Bobby, "I'm furious about the way she manipulates the system…but we'll get her…and get her good…and if it's any comfort, she's not having a good time at Riker's…she's managed to make a lot of enemies among the staff and prisoners…she has no privileges and is in isolation a lot of the time…"

Bobby began rubbing his neck.

Alex stood up. "C'mon, Goren…let's go do our jobs." She was at the door before she realized Bobby wasn't behind her.

"I…just need to talk with Novak and Carver for a minute," Bobby said.

Alex looked closely at him.

Bobby waved his hand. "Just a point I need to clear up…I'll be there in a moment…"

"Don't let him pull anything," Alex said to Carver and Novak. "Or I'll have all of your skins."

Bobby watched Alex return to her desk. He resumed his restless pacing.

"What is it, Detective," Carver asked cautiously.

"This…in spite of her financial state…everything…it could still go on for a long time…" Bobby's words were a statement and not a question.

Novak and Carver eyed each other uncomfortably.

"I don't think…" Novak began.

Carver knew better than to attempt to paint an unreasonably rosy picture for Bobby. "Yes, it could."

"It'll cost the city…the department…a great deal in time…money…" Bobby's pacing continued.

Carver gently placed a hand on Novak's arm to discourage any interruption of Bobby.

"And everyone…Barek…Logan…Al…Eames…they'll keep being sucked in…"

Bobby turned to the two attorneys. "It needs to end. Not just for me, but for everyone…tell her I'll meet her, under her conditions…you work out the sentence…but I…she can't keep hurting…especially Eames…please…just work it out…"

He strode from the conference room leaving two troubled prosecutors in his wake.

"They're back." Alex's voice was tinged with bitterness.

Bobby looked up from his report to see Novak and Carver headed into Deakins' office. He rubbed one hand across his face and returned his attention to the report in front of him.

"It's been two days," Alex continued. "Do you think they have a court date yet?"

"I…I don't know," Bobby answered, not meeting her eyes.

Alex laid down her pen. "Ok, Goren," she said. "What's going on?"

Bobby stared at the report and considered several possible responses, none of which appeared likely to win favor with Alex. Deakins' appearance offered him a temporary escape.

"My office, Goren."

Alex's attention turned to her captain; he was clearly upset by something, but in control.

"Bobby," she started.

"Just a moment, Alex," Deakins said quietly. "Just need to discuss something with your partner."

With a growing sense of unease, Alex watched her partner follow the captain to his office. Alex made little attempt to hide her interest in the ballet that took followed in the room. Deakins sat behind his desk; Novak and Carver in the seats before it; Bobby paced in the small space. Novak appeared to do most of the talking. Bobby occasionally rubbed the back of his neck or waved a large hand. At one point, he restlessly threw his body into a free chair and rubbed his eyes. At another, all four of the room's residents glanced uneasily towards Alex.

"What," she thought, "is going on…what is Bobby doing…or what's being done to him…"

She was about to march into Deakin's office when the captain opened his office door and motioned for Alex to join the conference. She ignored the offered chair and stood, her arms folded, just inside the door. Bobby, directly across from her, stood restlessly in front of the window. Deakins, Carver, and Novak shared a quick, worried look.

"Ok," Alex said flatly. "What's going on?"

Novak had drawn the short stick and the task of presenting the new plan to Alex. "We have an agreement with Ms. Wallace. "

Alex stiffened and looked at Bobby, who was studying the view from Deakins' office window.

"She will go to prison for life…no chance of parole…there will be no trial…Detective Goren will not have to testify…" Novak quietly made her case.

"But," Alex said.

Novak sighed. "She gets to meet with Detective Goren…in one of the interview rooms at Rikers…just the two of them…"

To everyone's surprise, including her own, Alex didn't explode immediately.

"So," Alex said quietly and coldly. "She gets what she wants…"

"We get a lot out of it too," Deakins said quietly. "She goes to prison…"

"And she doesn't get the death penalty," Alex said coldly. "And we just let Bobby face her…so she can rip him apart…" Her icy control was more frightening than an explosion. "And when will this happen?"

"Tomorrow morning," Novak said carefully.

Alex's cold fury became white hot. "Tomorrow! You're going to just feed him to her tomorrow…give him no time to prepare…us…to get ready for anything she might pull…that's great for you…get this case out of the way…but what about…" Alex choked.

"I think," Bobby said softly. "My partner and I need to talk…"

Alex stared at him.

"An interrogation room is open," Deakins said quietly.

Bobby led the way to the room; Alex followed, glaring a hole into his back. As soon as he shut the door, she spun to him.

"You agreed to this…Bobby…what are you thinking?"

Bobby stood with his back to the door. He spoke quietly and deliberately, choosing his words with great care.

"It's the best of a bad situation, Eames…" he began.

"No!" Alex shouted. She lowered her voice, but the anger remained. "Don't you try to keep this on some cool level…don't you call me Eames now…"

Bobby took a deep breath. "Ok," he said as much to himself as to Alex. He rubbed the back of his neck. "It…it has to end, Alex. I can't…" He paced up and down the room. "This was a lot easier," he said softly, "when I was arguing with myself…" He glanced at Alex. "I can't let hurt more people…"

"So you'll let her hurt you." Alex's anger was softening faced with Bobby's pain.

"No…it's…" Bobby ceased pacing. "This ends it…I won't have to face her in public…she won't get that satisfaction…if we go to trial, she'll pull all sorts of stuff…she'll put everyone else on trial…not just me…but everyone…including my mom…me…" He glanced at Alex. "You…and even after that, she'll file appeals…it'll go on for years…years, Alex…this way…one clean shot…" He ceased his pacing and looked at her steadily. "And I have to face her…I have to…but…I can't do this without you…" His composure wavered, and for a moment his desperate need struck Alex like a blow.

She strode quickly around the table to him, but he raised a warning hand.

"No…not now…" Bobby furtively looked at her. "I'll…fall apart, Alex."

She stood helplessly in front of him. "All right," Alex said. "But I'm just outside that room…and I'm coming in at the first sign of trouble…"

"Ok," Bobby said softly.

"Ok," Alex answered.

They presented a united front to Deakins and the prosecutors, but dread filled Alex, a sense that grew stronger as the arrangements for Bobby's confrontation with Nicole were made. For Bobby's sake, Alex bit her tongue and swallowed her anger as she learned only Bobby and Nicole would be in the room and that Nicole would not be restrained. As the meeting ended, she finally spoke.

"I don't care what she wants," Alex said quietly but furiously. "I will be on the other side of the door…"

"I will too, Alex," Deakins said with equal firmness.

Bobby, who had sat passively during the discussion, looked up at his captain and partner. "Thank you," he whispered.

Deakins urged them to take the rest of the day, but Bobby quietly refused.

"I'll just think about it…I don't want to think about it," he said quietly.

Alex thought about it enough for both of them. She watched Bobby throughout the afternoon, marveling that he could calmly review evidence, fill out forms, and go on with life. A little before five Bobby shut down his computer, gathered his coat and binder, and started to go home.

"Do you want to get dinner…or something?" Alex asked him.

Bobby paused for a moment. "Uh…no…I'm not really…hungry…" He fumbled with his coat and then leaned down to speak softly to Alex. "I…I appreciate everything, Alex…but I…I think I need to be alone…"

"Ok," Alex answered. "But you call me if you need me?"

He nodded and walked away. His shoulders slumped and every step seemed to be an effort. A terrible rage simmered in Alex, and she became aware that her fingernails had dug small, red marks in her palms. She reached for her phone.

"I'm not going to let her hurt him," Alex thought. "No matter what it costs me, I'm going to protect him."

End Chapter 17


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Bobby Goren carefully pulled the new suit from the large bag and hung it on the door. He examined it closely, flicking away the few bits of lint he found. He pulled the new pale blue shirt and dark blue striped tie from the clothing bag on the floor, and draped the tie over the suit jacket shoulder. He slipped the shirt from its plastic wrap, removed its pins and cardboard, and dropped them into the bag. He held the shirt against the jacket and was pleased that it was a perfect match for the tie and suit. "Yea," he thought. "At least I can still dress myself." He reached inside the closet, found a hanger, and draped the shirt over it. He reached again into the bag and pulled out a new pair of boxers, a new undershirt, and socks. He carried them to and neatly laid them on the top of his dresser. He returned to the clothing bag and pulled out its last item, a shoebox. Bobby opened the box, pulled out the black shoes, removed their trees, and carried them into the small kitchen. He placed the shoes on a counter, unfolded a newspaper and placed it on the counter. He laid the shoes on the paper, opened the cabinet below the sink, and placed a tin of shoe polish and a cloth by the shoes. He opened the tin, picked up the cloth, scooped up polish with the cloth, and, just as he had learned in the army, began to methodically and deliberately wipe the polish into the shoes. He worked the polish into first one shoe, then the other, until Bobby saw his reflection in them. He closed the tin and placed it and the cloth beneath the sink, discarded the newspaper and clothing bags in the trash, and placed the shoes beside his bed

He returned to and stood for a moment in his small kitchen and considered the possibility of food. "I need something," he thought. "I may not be able to eat tomorrow morning…I have to be ready." But his stomach seemed unwilling to accept the idea.

He moved back to the bathroom and stared at the face in the mirror. The memory of his lost days in the hospital flooded his mind and he shivered. "Strange," Bobby thought, "that remembering not remembering is so frightening." He removed his clothing and stepped into the shower. "This time tomorrow," he thought, "it'll all be over…whatever happens…it'll be over." He was far beyond telling any lies to himself. He was afraid of confronting Nicole. At the very least, it would be painful—very painful—at the worst, he feared his mind might snap and disappear into the dark world it had already visited. His greatest fears were that Nicole might reach beyond him to hurt others…especially Alex.

"Alex." He breathed her name as he turned off the water and reached for his towel. He'd been half in love with Alex since their first awkward meeting in Deakins' office—although nearly everyone who ever met Alex and managed to get past her wicked wit fell at least half in love with her—and her tough compassion and care for him in the past few months had pushed him far into the depths of love.

"No," he said firmly as he dried his body. "Not now…I have to concentrate on facing Nicole…I can't show her any of my feelings…Anything I show, she'll use…not just against me, but against others…I can't show anything…not my feelings about Alex…my grief…my guilt…"

He wiped the steam from the mirror and threw the towel across the rack. He stared again in the mirror. His body still bore signs of his ordeal; scars dotted his back and circled his wrists and elbows—Bobby wondered if he would ever want to wear a short sleeved shirt again. He stared at the scars around his wrists and let the fingers of his left hand trace the jagged line around his right wrist. The doctors had told him some of the scars would be with him until he died. "Just like inside my head," Bobby thought.

He had slipped on a pair of sweat pants and one of his favorite T-shirts—the one that proclaimed him property of the NYPD—when he heard an uneven knock at his door. Bobby glanced at the clock near his bed—it was nearly nine—and he'd already had calls from Logan, Barek, Benson, Deakins, Carver, and Huang. (Bobby wondered when he'd get a call from Alex.) He'd ruefully told Huang that he appreciated the concern, but he really needed to get ready for the next day.

"At least," Huang said, "you still have your sense of humor as a weapon."

"Yea," Bobby answered, "but I'd like something a little more solid."

The knocking persisted; it was uneven in both its rhythm and noise level. Bobby moved to the door, picked up his gun, and looked through the peephole. A slightly disheveled Alex Eames stood before his door. Bobby placed his gun on the kitchen counter next to the microwave, released the door's chain and lock, and opened the door.

Alex was in the process of lifting her hand to knock again on the door. She looked up at Bobby with some confusion; she wavered slightly on her feet. Her eyes were rimmed in red.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey," Bobby said, somewhat confused as well. "Come in…come in," he added realizing he shouldn't leave Alex standing in the hall.

She walked slowly and carefully into his apartment; Bobby caught a whiff of rum as she passed him.

"Alex," he said softly as he lifted her coat from her shoulders, "are you…have you been drinking?"

"I'm not drunk," Alex insisted as she turned to face him. "I…I'm a little…well,…" She giggled.

Bobby stood for a moment baffled. He had seen Alex Eames slightly the better for a drink, but never in a completely inebriated state. "Uh…here…come sit down…" He guided her to his couch. "Can I get you anything?"

Alex sprawled across the couch. "How about," she said with a wicked tone, "some of that Irish whiskey you keep for special occasions?"

"Uh…Alex…I think you've probably…" Bobby tried to gage Alex's mood.

"I know…I know…you're right." She smiled at him. "I've not drunk so much that I can't tell I don't need any more…how about some water…or iced tea…keep me from getting too dehydrated…"

Bobby nodded and returned with a large glass of iced tea. He handed it to Alex and she drank it gratefully. Bobby sat in the chair at this desk and studied Alex. She suddenly couldn't quite meet his eyes.

"So," she finally said, "you're probably wondering what I'm doing here…"

Bobby leaned forward in his chair. "I thought…maybe…you were checking on me…"

Alex stood up and began to pace around Bobby's apartment. Her stride was less shaky. She noticed the suit hanging on the closet door and touched it.

"New?" she asked.

"Yea," Bobby answered.

"You getting a special clothing allowance, Goren?" Her attempt at a playful tone failed to hide the tension in her voice.

Bobby rubbed the back of his neck. "I…I…" He wasn't sure he could explain the new clothes to himself, let alone to Alex. "I felt…like I needed…to face her…things I hadn't worn before…"

"You needed a new set of armor," Alex said studying the suit jacket.

"Yea…yea…that's it." Bobby leaned back in his chair. "I couldn't quite explain it, but that's it exactly."

Alex turned toward him; her arms were folded over her chest and she gnawed at her lip. "I wish…I could…explain why I'm here…" She walked to the balcony door. "I…Barek and Logan and I had a drink…and then I had a few more…they put me in a cab…but instead of my own address…I gave him yours…" Her back was to him; Bobby saw a shiver pass through it. "It's not that…that I'm checking up on you…it's…I didn't know where to go…"

Bobby stood up and walked to her. Alex stared out the glass door.

"I don't understand how you can do this…how you can face her…you shouldn't have to…" Her voice shook.

"Alex." Bobby reached out to touch her. She spun violently as his hand brushed her shoulder.

"Why?" she cried. "Why do you do this to yourself…how could you…how did this happen…how did you let this happen…how did I let this happen to you?"

She began sobbing and wildly beating her fists against Bobby's chest. He winced, but then wrapped his arms around her and pulled her with him to the couch. She shook wildly for a few moments and then fell into him, crying into his shirt. He held her tightly and let one of his hands make gentle circles on her back. After a few moments her sobs began to ease; Alex murmured, "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…I didn't mean it…please…I'm sorry…"

"Of course you meant it," Bobby whispered in her hair. "You're angry…at me and yourself…" Like a flash of lightning, he realized she had been in terrible pain in these past months, pain she hadn't been able to show, or even acknowledge. "I've been angry, too, Alex…at you…my mom…the department…mostly at me…"

She tried to pull away from him. "God dammit, Goren! Don't tell me what I'm feeling…"

"Alex…please…listen." His voice was gentle and kind. "I've been allowed to be angry…to be in pain…everyone…you…made it ok…but you've…you're hurt too…but…" He lessened his grip on her, but she didn't pull away.

"And realizing that," she said into his chest, "is supposed to make everything better?"

"Not all at once…but it can help." He looked down at her and brushed her cheek with his thumb.

"Bobby…I…I…" Alex swallowed. "I feel…a little sick…"

He helped her up and to the bathroom. He held her hair back and rubbed her back as her stomach revolted against her actions of the evening.

"I'm sorry," she gasped as he wiped her face.

"Not a problem," Bobby said softly. "Figure I owe you a few sessions like this."

He helped her to her feet.

"I remember now," Alex said shakily, "why I stopped drinking so much."

Bobby smiled. "Guy I knew in the Army had this theory about your body's memory of alcohol consumption…"

Alex held up a hand. "Not now…I don't think I can deal with it…"

"Ok," Bobby answered. "You need anything…food…"

Alex made a face. "Last thing I want right now…but more tea…"

He brought her a glass, along with several aspirin, both of which she accepted gratefully. He returned after a few moments in the kitchen with another glass.

"What's that?" She eyed the reddish liquid with alarm.

"Old hangover prevention…tomato and orange juice…a little salt…water…it can help…"

Alex made a disgusted face but drank all of the concoction. "Well, it wasn't great," she said as she handed the glass to Bobby, "but not nearly as bad as thought it would be." She stood carefully. "I…I should go…you need rest…"

Bobby stood for a moment. "Alex…it…this…helping you…it's…helped me…get my mind off…" He blinked and stared at the floor. "Could you…please…"

She stepped to him and rested a hand on his chest. "You want me to stay?"

He nodded. "You…you can have the bed…"

She shook her head. "No way…besides…I've slept in your bed with you a few times already."

Bobby gave her a bashful look. "I'll get something for you to wear."

Several minutes later, Alex slipped under the blankets next to Bobby. He smiled at the sight of her swimming in one of his T-shirts.

"Don't you dare say anything about my size, Goren," she warned him.

"I won't…do you need anything…you feel ok?" He looked up at her; her face floated above her.

"I'm fine…thank you." She curled next to him, her head resting half on his chest.

He clicked off the small lamp. "I…I'm sorry, Alex…for leaning on you so much…"

She placed a hand on his chest. "It's all right…lean away…"

He turned on his side and wrapped his arms and legs around her. They drifted into sleep, each protecting the other from their fears of the next day.

Alex woke with a soft but persistent drum in her head and dry cotton in her mouth. The blessed scent of coffee reached her nose, and she blinked. She looked up at Bobby Goren handing her a cup of coffee. She stretched carefully, rose slowly to a sitting position, and gratefully took the life starting beverage.

"Sorry to wake you," Bobby said gently. "But we need to get going if we're going to stop by your apartment and get you some clothes."

And, with a shudder, Alex remembered what Bobby—what she—faced this day. She looked at him over the rim of her mug. Bobby wore his new suit, tie and shirt; his newly shorn hair was carefully combed; his chin shaved and stubble free. His expression was grim, like that of a soldier embarking on a difficult and dangerous mission.

"How are you?" Alex asked. "Did you sleep well?"

Bobby was looking out the window; he took a long drink of his coffee before he answered. "I slept ok…not enough…but ok," he finally said. "I…I…don't know how I am…" He inclined his head toward her. "But I'm not sure I know how I'm supposed to act…" He turned to her. "How are you? Hangover?"

"Ok…mouth a little dry and a little headache…" Alex sipped her coffee. "That cure you gave me must have worked."

Bobby gave her a weak smile. "It just works to counterattack the alcohol…and you were sobering up when you fell asleep…I'll let you get a shower…and then we can share a cab to your apartment and the office…"

They rode silently in the cab to Alex's apartment. Both of their minds were focused on the day ahead, and neither really knew what to say to the other.

"I could fix some breakfast," Alex said as she stopped briefly in her kitchen. "If I had anything to fix..."

Bobby, standing in her living room, gave her a quick smile. "That's ok...I...I'm not hungry...but if you want something..."

"I'm not hungry either," Alex said as she headed into her bedroom to change.

Alex followed Bobby's example and dressed in her best, most official looking suit. Before she left her bedroom, she checked her cell phone for messages. There was only one, confirming plans she had made yesterday just before she left work. Alex stepped into her bathroom and gazed intently in the mirror.

"It'll mean the end of my career...I may even go to prison...but...if she hurts him...more...he deserves my loyalty...I will not let her hurt him anymore..." She took a deep breath and left to face Bobby.

The cab ride to One Police Plaza was also silent. Bobby, attempting to be as small as possible, huddled in one corner. Alex desperately wanted to return to their closeness of the night before--to wrap around Bobby and make everything safe--but she couldn't break the bubble of her own fears to reach to him.

They had just stepped out of the elevator when Alex became aware that Bobby wasn't at her side. She turned and found him staring at the door to Major Case. His eyes were dark and stormy; his stance rigid.

"He's afraid," Alex thought. It was, she realized, one of the few times he'd shown fear—or any emotion—since he'd returned to work. She walked back to him.

"You don't have to do this," she said softly. "You don't have to walk in there…you don't have to face her…"

His jaw twitching, Bobby looked down at Alex. "Yes…" he whispered. "Yes, I do." He squared his shoulders and strode into the office.

The usual buzz of office noise ended as Bobby and Alex entered. Its occupants were torn between staring at Bobby and Alex and avoiding them. Alex thought the atmosphere so tense that it would explode if someone struck a match. She and Bobby began checking their phone messages and emails. Alex had messages from Olivia Benson and George Huang, both of which struck exactly the right notes of support and promises of help. She looked up to see Bobby, who was also on his phone, give a weak smile.

"What?" she asked.

"Benson…Huang…" Bobby said.

Alex smiled at him. "Me too…they're class acts…

Bobby nodded and turned his attention to his computer.

Barek and Logan appeared bearing coffee and sweet scented bags.

"Here," Barek said. "I thought the two of you might need some breakfast."

"Hang in there, " Logan said as he placed the coffee on Alex and Bobby's desk.

"Thank you," Bobby said softly.

Barek's pastries were wonderful, but Bobby or Alex couldn't swallow more than a bite. Shortly before ten Ron Carver strode into the office.

"Great," Alex said. "Today he's right on time."

Bobby tilted his head toward her in reply and clicked off his computer. By the time Carver and Deakins approached their desks, Bobby and Alex had their coats on and were ready to go.

"Ms. Novak will meet us at Riker's," Carver said quietly. He couldn't meet Bobby or Alex's gaze.

Bobby paused for a moment. "Captain, Alex…you…you don't have to…"

Deakins answered before Alex could. "Yes, we do, Bobby."

Alex felt a soft touch on her arm and turned to see Barek. "Good luck," she said, nodding to both Alex and Bobby.

"Yea," Logan said. His hand hovered for a moment over Bobby's shoulder and then dropped away. "You can do this," he said softly but firmly.

The ride to Rikers was heavy with silence. Deakins and Carver attempted some comments about the terrible play of the Knicks and the prospects of the Yankees, but eventually gave up in face of their own and Bobby and Alex's moods. Bobby, his head resting on a gloved hand and his arm resting against the car, stared out the window. Alex, the weight in her chest growing, studied him. They finally arrived at Rikers and walked to the main entrance. It was a frigid but beautiful day with the sun bright and high in the endless blue sky. The quartet hid from the sharp wind in their coats as they waited for admittance to the building. They stopped at the security gate to hand over their weapons and coats. In spite of his preoccupation, Bobby noted that Alex hung back for a moment so that she was last to deal with the guards and that a glance of recognition passed between her and one of the corrections officers.

They finally reached the interview room. It was small—much smaller than the interrogation rooms at Major Case—with grey walls. There were two doors, on opposite sides of the room, and two steel chairs divided by a small table. Bobby surveyed the room's interior through the one-way mirror.

"She's being brought from her cell," one of the guards said. "She'll be here soon."

Bobby took a deep breath and reached for the door handle.

"We're right here, Bobby," Deakins said quietly. "You have any problems…you even think you might…you get out of there…"

Bobby looked at him and then at Alex. She stood in a corner; her arms were folded across her body; she radiated anger and strength.

"Ok," Bobby said. He paused. "Thank you."

He opened the door and walked in the room. He studied the room for a moment and sat at the desk. He folded his hands on the table and waited.

End Chapter 18


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Every nerve of her body alive and at attention, Alex gazed intently at Bobby. He was completely still, not a muscle moving beneath his elegant suit. He might have been a statue but for the slight motion of his breathing and subtle twitches of his fingers. Novak emerged from the hallway and stood beside Carver. Alex held her breath, uncertain whether she wanted Nicole to appear or to back out of yet another agreement. Both possibilities held dangers for Bobby.

Novak nodded toward Bobby. "He has to be one of the bravest people…" she said.

"He is," Deakins said firmly. "Especially if you regard real courage as facing your worst fears."

"Where is she?" Carver asked in a resigned, tired voice.

"Some discussion about what she wanted to wear," Novak replied wearily.

"What?" Alex asked bitterly. "Orange jump suit not her style?"

Deakins gave her an equally bitter smile.

The door on the farthest side of the interview room opened to reveal Nicole Wallace. Deakins and Alex both moved closer to the door that opened behind Bobby's chair.

Alex had not seen Nicole in person for some time, and the detective was slightly surprised by the other woman's appearance. Her hair was stringy and flat with dark roots visible. ("Answers that question," Alex thought.) Her handcuffs had been removed, but Nicole reflexively rubbed her wrists. Dark shadows rested beneath her eyes, and the white flowing dress she wore emphasized her pallor and thin body. Nicole had always dressed younger than her age, but for the first time that Alex could recall the effort had left her looking slightly ridiculous. But it was the look in Nicole's eyes that struck Alex with the greatest force. Alex had seen flickers of that look when Bobby had exposed some truth about her or one of her lies; the haunted, wild shadow now appeared to be a permanent presence.

"Well, hello, Bobby." Nicole's voice was slightly distorted by the intercom. "Didn't your mommy teach you to stand when a lady enters the room?"

Alex heard a gasp; she thought it might have come from Novak.

Bobby stiffened for a second. "I wasn't aware," he said softly and calmly, "that one had entered this room." He looked up at Nicole with a steady gaze.

His response clearly surprised and disappointed Nicole. She slid into her seat with an air of studied indifference. "You don't have your little shield—your binder with you…"

Bobby's eyes remained focused on Nicole. "You know that was one of your requirements for this meeting."

Nicole rested her head on one hand and peered at Bobby. "You look much better than the last time I saw you, Bobby. I'm really surprised that you survived." Alex hated the way Nicole mouthed Bobby's name as if she had some claim on him.

"And obviously disappointed." Alex couldn't see Bobby's face, but the tone of his voice suggested he might be wearing a rueful smile.

Nicole's eyes widened in surprise; it was very clear that this was not the Bobby Goren she anticipated encountering in this room.

"What?" Nicole said after a moments pause. "And miss lovely meetings like this with you?" She leaned forward in her chair. "Did the lovely Detective Eames FINALLY appear to rescue you?"

Alex dug her fingernails into her palms; she felt Deakins move closer to her.

"Yes," Bobby answered in his calm, firm voice. "She and most of the NYPD were looking for me…just as I knew they were." Before Nicole could pounce on his words, he added. "Oh, you may have shaken my faith a bit, but I knew…I knew people cared about me and were looking for me…even if only because I was so expensive to train." And, to Alex's delight, Bobby gave a familiar cock of his head.

It was a nasty duel, with both participants landing blows.

"I heard you lost your memory," Nicole said.

"Yes, but I got it back…and unfortunately all the memories of you," Bobby answered.

As the parry and thrust continued, Bobby slowly and agonizingly became stronger. He seemed to grow—his frame stronger, his shoulders straighter, his voice stronger—as Nicole diminished. She became increasingly desperate.

"How did you enjoy your time with Tom Griffin?" She asked, her fingers white from clutching the table. "You could have had me, you know."

There was a suggestion of a flinch from Bobby; in the other room Alex felt and saw the pain of her captain and the two prosecutors.

Bobby leaned forward. "You of all people should know the pain of forced sexual contact…."

Nicole fell back. Alex felt a wave of satisfaction in her pain and pride in Bobby's strength.

Bobby stood slowly. "I think," he said. "I've gotten what I needed out of this."

Nicole sprang to her feet. "No!" she shouted. "We're not through here…I still have things to say…"

"But nothing for me to listen to," Bobby replied. He turned to the door behind him.

Nicole grasped at straws. "Has Detective Eames "helped" you, Bobby?"

Bobby stiffened and turned back to her. Alex had sensed fear and sadness seeping from Bobby, especially during the early minutes of the encounter, but never anger. She sensed fear and especially anger now rising from him.

"You depend on her so much, don't you Bobby?" Nicole spat the words. "How did she make it up to you…not being there to save you…to save your mother…what do the two of you do on those Saturday mornings you have free now?"

Deakins brushed Alex's arm with his hand. She barely noticed the gesture; her thoughts were concentrated on Bobby.

Raising a hand to brush the back of his head, Bobby studied Nicole.

"I did you a favor!" Nicole shouted. Her hair flew around her red face. "I got rid of your mother…that burden…so you could do what you've always wanted to…so you could fuck your…"

Bobby lurched forward and slammed both of his hands on the table; Nicole sprang back, sending her chair tumbling over. Deakins reached for the door handle, and Alex shockingly realized that the fear was no longer for what Nicole might do to Bobby but what Bobby might do to Nicole. Bobby—his head down, his shoulders heaving—leaned heavily on his arms as he struggled to control himself. Nicole stared at him with a combination of fear and satisfaction. After several moments, Bobby's body became still, and he slowly raised his head. He pulled back to stand at attention.

"You…" he said softly. "You really have no idea." He began to pace in front of the table, occasionally waving a hand to emphasize a point. "You can't imagine any relationship not based on sex…or even worse, not based on some form of control…your concern for Gwen wasn't a revelation of your better self…it was the exception that proved the rule…you can't imagine that caring for someone…that it isn't always a burden…that it's an expression of love…one you'll never know…you can't imagine what binds Detective Eames and myself…you think every relationship involves manipulation…" He paused to look at Nicole; she stood across from him, her eyes wide and wild, her fists clenched at her sides. "Terrible things were done to you, Nicole…first by your parents…then by Bernard…but terrible things have been done to many people…much more terrible things…" His voice softened. "Terrible things were done to me…but they don't excuse…and many survive and do good things…choices…we always have choices…I chose to care for my mother…" His voice wavered for a moment. "I resented it…I hated it…but I loved her…" He began pacing again. "I wonder now if that "sparkling little girl" ever existed…" He stopped pacing and looked directly at a stunned Nicole. "I came in here afraid of and horribly angry at you…and now…now…all I feel for you is pity and disgust."

Alex let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. She sensed Deakins shaking next to her and saw that Novak had raised her hands to her face.

Bobby turned and placed his hand on the door knob. "I don't even know what to call you," he said staring at the floor. "I'm not sure you have a real identity…a real sense of who you are…but…whoever…whatever you are…we'll never see each other again…"

With the cry of a wild, wounded beast, Nicole grabbed the overturned chair, threw it at Bobby, and flung her body across the table.

That Nicole attacked him didn't surprise Bobby, but the timing and nature of the attack did. He tried to spin out of the chair's path, but both it and Bobby were too big to avoid contact with each other. The chair caught him on his right side, hitting him with surprising force and directly on some of his healing injuries. Bobby winced as he fell against the grey wall and attempted to brace himself against Nicole's attack. He could see her, a white fury, flying towards him.

A black clad tornado swept past him and slammed Nicole against the wall. Bobby saw that Alex had pinned Nicole; one of her hands was around Nicole's throat, the other held a small revolver just below Nicole's left jaw. Both women's faces bore expressions Bobby had never seen on either. Nicole's eyes, which seconds before were filled with hatred and rage, now glowed with terror. And Alex—Bobby had never seen this lethal combination of emotions on her face. Written there were hatred, fear, pain, and some strange possessiveness. A terrible realization flashed like lightning across Bobby's mind, and he saw Nicole dead on the room's floor; Alex in handcuffs; Alex being taken away…taken away from him. He swallowed and walked towards the pair.

"Stay away, Goren." Alex's voice was icy.

Bobby stopped a few feet from the two women—the two women that now were the most important figures in his life. He heard the sounds of others behind him and knew that guns were trained on Alex and Nicole.

"Eames…" he began, following her lead in the use of their last names.

"Quiet, Goren." Alex's concentration was on Nicole. "Don't distract me…my trigger finger might slip…"

Bobby, desperately trying to understand what Alex was doing, stood helplessly.

Alex glared daggers into Nicole. "Who are you?" she said in a low, tension filled voice. "What sort of thing are you to think you're anything like this man?" Alex's head jerked towards Bobby. "When you die, who'll mourn you? Who'll come to your funeral? You'll die alone, unless you're murdered, and then the only person with you will be your killer. Your body will be cremated, stuffed in some box, and buried in a forgotten grave. Who'll care? Not your ex-husband…your ex-lovers…not Gwen…most of the people who've come in contact with you…at least those that are still alive…will rejoice at your death…" Alex pressed the gun harder into Nicole's jaw. "But if you had killed him…" Alex's head motioned again to Bobby…"or if, God forbid, he'd die tomorrow…every cop in New York…cops from all over…would come to his funeral…he'd be mourned…And not just cops…people he's saved…helped…friends…people who love him…" Alex's voice wavered. "People mourned his mother…because they remembered her and her goodness…because they care for him…the church was full…full…you won't even get a funeral…who will mourn you? Who?"

"Eames." Bobby breathed her name.

"Back off, Bobby." Alex spoke as much with her body as her voice. Her attention returned to Nicole. "You probably think that I wouldn't dream of shooting you with all these witnesses…but I'm a cop…the daughter of a cop…the niece…the sister…the granddaughter of a cop…the widow…and you hurt a cop…a cop that's helped a lot of other cops…made the NYPD look really good…and that's if I really care what happens to me…" Alex's eyes blazed.

Bobby's heart threatened to leap out of his body. Nicole no longer existed for him; he was aware only of Alex and the possibility that he might lose her.

Deakins' firm voice broke in on Bobby's thoughts. "Alex…she's not worth it…"

Nicole was shivering, her body flattened against the wall. A yellow stain appeared on the lower part of her dress. Her mouth moved, but only a strange whimper came from it.

"Shut up," Alex said viciously and pressed her gun harder against Nicole's neck; it formed a dark red circle. "I don't even know what to call you…is Nicole Wallace even real? Do you even know your name? What have you done? What have you given the world? That man…that brave, good, smart man…" Alex again jerked her head towards Bobby. "He's saved people…helped people…faced up to his responsibilities…even tried to save you…but you…you don't deserve to lick his boots…"

Bobby took a deep breath. "Please, Alex." His voice was soft and pleading. "I've won…we've won…but it won't mean anything if I lose…we lose…" He took a cautious step towards Alex. "Please…"

Alex trembled. "Don't think," she whispered to Nicole, "that this has anything to do with you…this is because of him…you don't matter…"

Alex pulled the gun away and released Nicole; she allowed Bobby to take the gun and guide her to another side of the room. Nicole slid down the wall and slumped in heap on the floor. Guards flooded the room, grabbed Nicole, and shuffled her away. Bobby handed the gun to Deakins.

"I don't suppose," Deakins said to Alex, "that you'll tell me how you got this in here?"

Her eyes focused on Bobby, Alex shook her head no.

Deakins sighed and guided his two detectives from the room. As they moved into the hall Bobby tried to move in front of Alex, but she pushed past him. She faced Deakins and a stunned Carver and Novak with defiance.

"I won't apologize…I won't make any excuses," she said. "She deserved worse…she hurt Bobby…she wanted to keep hurting him…she'll never suffer like he did…do what you want…"

Bobby was very afraid and very cold.

End Chapter 19


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

Captain James Deakins studied his two detectives; he couldn't condemn Alex Eames for her actions, especially since they were along the lines of what he had recently been considering. And it was clear that condemning Alex was condemning Bobby Goren. As reluctant as he was to hurt Alex Eames, Deakins was even more unwilling to harm Bobby Goren. It might require every favor every politician, cop, and bureaucrat owed him, but Deakins knew he would protect Goren and Eames. The captain turned to Carver and Novak.

"What I saw," he said firmly, "was an officer defending another against a vicious and unprovoked attack."

Rage at Nicole and astonishment had temporarily robbed Novak of speech. Carver struggled with his responsibilities to the law and to Goren and Eames.

Bobby broke the silence. "She was defending me…she did this because of me…what happens to her happens to me…" Alex made a small sound of protest that Bobby ignored. "I couldn't have survived this…if…if she…" Thoughts rushed Bobby. Nothing mattered to him as much as his work; nothing fit him as well as this job. Even before Alex made it perfect, this job gave him purpose, even joy. But if it was a matter of Alex or the job…"If she goes, I go."

Stunned, Alex turned to look at him.

"Ms. Wallace did attack Detective Goren," Carver said.

"But Detective Eames' later actions." Novak had recovered. "And there were witnesses."

"Yes," Deakins said. "But none of them were in the room…"

"True," Novak said. "Only Ms. Wallace, and the three of you really know what happened in there…"

Carver grabbed the rope Novak had tossed to him. "And Ms. Wallace's testimony is scarcely reliable…"

Alex felt lightheaded and leaned slightly against Bobby; she felt his body relax. These people were on their side; they wanted to help them.

"I think the guards will want to help their fellow officers," Deakins said softly.

"Yes," Novak said. "And we can refute any charges Ms. Wallace makes…it's clear she arranged this to attack Detective Goren…" She paused as she started to leave. "Detectives…Captain…Mr. Carver…I'm operating on trust here…there are very few people I'd do this for…Captain Cragen and Olivia Benson tell me to trust all of you…the time I've spent with Detective Goren tells me this…"

"They're worth the risk, Ms. Novak," Carver said. In that instance, Alex and Bobby forgave Carver every argument and debate they ever had.

Novak nodded. "Could I ride back to your office, Mr. Carver? And discuss the case?"

Carver nodded and turned to Deakins. "It would be helpful if we could talk with you, Captain."

"I'll be with you in a moment." Deakins turned to Bobby and Alex as the prosecutors moved away. "You too ok? You can get back all right?"

Alex and Bobby both nodded. Deakins noted that Bobby stood rigidly at attention, his eyes downcast. "He knows," the captain thought, "that I have to reprimand her…and he's taking it with her…even though he's not at fault." Deakins felt, not for the first time, an odd, almost paternal need to protect Bobby Goren.

Alex looked at Deakins. "Nothing…is going to happen to me?"

"You've been through too much." Deakins' words were directed at both Bobby and Alex, but his gaze was on Bobby; he turned his attention to Alex. "But…you're on probation, Alex. This is your get out of jail free card…Pull another stunt like that, and your badge is gone…And just remember you're getting this chance because nearly every cop in the NYPD would applaud what you just did…and because the department…and I…can't afford to lose two good detectives…" He gave her a grim look. "But none of that justifies what you did…you understand me?"

Alex felt as if she were twelve years old again with Sister Anna Joseph lecturing her on her failures to meet the Our Lady of Grace school dress code. "Yes sir," she answered.

Deakins looked past her to Bobby. In contrast to his harsh tone with Alex, the captain's voice was gentle. "How are you?"

Bobby gazed at his captain with exhausted, confused and grateful eyes. "I…I'm…ok….I'm just…so tired…"

Alex turned to Bobby; her relief disappearing in the face of his exhaustion. "I'll take care of him, Captain."

Deakins nodded. "Bobby, if you need anything, anything at all…what you did in there…it was remarkable…you showed incredible courage…and control…" For a moment, Deakins' hand hovered over Bobby's shoulder. "Call me…even if you don't need anything…let me know you're all right…"

"Yes…sir…I will." Bobby's voice was soft and hesitant.

"Both of you…take the rest of the day…and tomorrow…I'll see you both on Monday…" Deakins glanced from one detective to the other. "And both of you…" his tone and gaze were gentle with both Alex and Bobby, "let me know if you need anything…" He left to join Carver and Novak. Alex guided Bobby back to the SUV; he was eerily quiet and still as she drove back to Manhattan. He sat stiffly in the passenger seat, his head resting in his hand as he stared out the window.

"Hungy?" Alex ventured.

He scarcely moved. "I…no…just so tired…"

After returning the SUV, Alex joined Bobby in a cab. He again scuttled in a corner away from her and stared out the window. When they arrived at his building, Bobby silently paid the driver. Alex, determined to stay with him, left the cab before him. Bobby didn't attempt to keep her from following him to his apartment, but he also didn't issue an invitation. In his apartment Alex suddenly felt lost in a space she'd come to regard as a second home. Bobby shed his coat and stood in front of his balcony window. Outlined against the grey light, a hand furiously rubbing the back of his neck, he appeared lost and alone.

Alex draped her coat over Bobby's on a chair. "Bobby," she said gently. "You were amazing today…so strong…I was so proud…to be your partner…your friend…she can't hurt you any more…" Her voice faded.

Bobby tilted his head towards her. "You know…how much I appreciate everything you've done…I do…I can't tell you how grateful I am…but Alex…"

He shivered. Alex stepped towards him.

"But…how could you do it?" He spun to look at her with weary, terrified eyes. "How could you threaten your career…our partnership…your life…my…my…how could you?"

Rage and fear rose in Alex. "How dare you!" she shouted. "You're the one who let her get under your skin…you were under attack and wouldn't do anything…and I try to protect you and you blame me…how dare you…" Arms flailing, she rushed him.

Several of her wild blows made contact; Alex heard Bobby's grunts of pain before he managed to wrap his long arms around her. She grabbed the lapel of his suit and began sobbing into the silky fabric. Bobby would have cried as well if he had any energy. He hadn't meant to hurt her; her behavior baffled him. He…they…had won. There was no reason for her actions. Didn't she know he couldn't function…live…without her? His knees buckled and shadows filled his mind. He tried to warn her that he was about to collapse, but his tongue refused to obey.

In the midst of her sobs, Alex realized Bobby had started to lean heavily on her. She managed to push him towards his couch before he fainted.

"Bobby!" she called. She loosened his tie and released the top buttons of his shirt. His pulse and breath were steady and strong, but he was terribly pale and still.

"Please…Bobby." Alex brushed his face with her fingers. She had just decided to call for help when Bobby's eyes flickered open.

"Are you ok?"

"I…" He started to sit up, but Alex softly laid a hand on his chest. He shivered.

"Easy," Alex said.

Bobby settled back on the couch.

"I'm sorry…so sorry, Alex…" One of his hands found hers. "I had no right…you were just trying to protect me…"

"It's all right." Alex clung to his hand. "It was…now that I think about it…a little stupid."

Bobby shook his head. "You've always tried to protect me…from everything…but especially her…and sometimes…a lot of times…I just didn't listen to you…" His thumb traced over hers. "I got me…you…in this…I'm sorry…"

"Bobby." Alex's voice was firm. "SHE got us into this…not you…not me. I'm not going to blame myself for what she did, and I'm not going to let you either."

He stared at their joined hands. "I thought…that once I faced her…if I could do that…I should've known…"

Alex leaned forward and carefully wrapped her free arm around Bobby. He briefly stiffened and then eased into her body.

"I'm so empty," he whispered. "I'm so numb."

"That's probably because you ARE empty…I bet you haven't had anything to eat since yesterday. Think you can get out of this suit and into something more comfortable? And I'll see about getting us something?"

Bobby nodded, and Alex helped him to his feet. He was a bit unsteady, but managed to get to his bedroom under his own power.

"Alex?"

"Yea." She hesitated at the kitchen entrance.

"I am sorry…really…I just kept seeing you being dragged away in handcuffs…I couldn't…" Bobby shivered and walked into the small space where he tried to sleep.

Alex stood for a few moments and struggled, with little success, to control her tears. Several minutes later she paused at the edge of the bedroom; she held two mugs.

"Hey," she said. "You decent?"

"Nothing you haven't seen before, Eames." Bobby's answer was a joke—a weak one—but Alex realized with horror she had seen him naked once before—when she and Logan and Barek had rescued him. Several seconds passed before she recovered.

"Alex?" Bobby's soft and concerned voice brought her back.

She steadied herself and entered the room. "Soup," she said as she raised a mug.

Dressed in a T-shirt and boxers, Bobby sat on the edge of his bed. Alex thought that a good breeze would knock him over.

"Thanks," he said taking the mug. "Tomato?"

"Yea." Alex perched on the bed. "Not a lot in your kitchen."

"I know." Bobby gratefully sipped the soup. "I've been…preoccupied."

After a few moments, Bobby placed the empty mug on the bedside table. "Oh God, Alex…I'm so tired…"

Alex stood. "Rest," she said softly.

Bobby fell back on his pillows; Alex pulled the covers over him.

"I'll be right back," she said and reached to brush her hand over his head. Bobby flinched.

"I'm sorry," he said as he saw the pain in her eyes. "Everything…I feel so raw right now…" He raised his hand, but let it fall before it touched her face. "It's not you…"

"I know," Alex answered. She took a deep breath. "You're right…it was a stupid thing to do…but she was going to hurt you…had hurt you…I had to do something…"

She was nearly out of the small space when she heard Bobby's voice.

"I know, Alex…I'm sorry…I know what you did…do…thank you."

Tears streamed down Alex's face as she stumbled to the kitchen. She rinsed out the mugs and left them in the sink. By the time she returned to his bedside Bobby lay in an exhausted sleep. When she reached to softly touch his head he didn't flinch from her hand. Alex shed her clothes and draped them over a chair; she found one of Bobby's T-shirts and pulled it over her head. Cautiously, she slipped beneath the covers and stretched out next to Bobby. Even in his exhausted state, the depths of his mind recognized Alex, and he turned to her. Alex reached an arm around him.

"Sleep," she whispered. "Please sleep."

The twitches and jerks of Bobby's body woke Alex from her light sleep. She blinked and shook off the remnants of sleep.

"Bobby," she said. "Wake up…you're having a bad dream."

"No," he murmured. "Don't take her away…It's my fault…please…no…Alex…Alex…Alex…" He jerked awake and sat up. Wide-eyed, shaking, he stared around him. His gaze found Alex and he fell into her arms.

"Sh-sh-h…it's all right…I'm right here…you're safe…it's just a dream…" Alex rubbed his back as she whispered to him.

"You're here." Bobby's voice rumbled against Alex's body. "You're real…they're not taking you away…"

Guilt swept over Alex. When she formed her plan to protect Bobby, and, if necessary, confront and attack Nicole, she hadn't considered Bobby's reaction beyond a belief that dealing with their nemesis once and for all would free him as much as it would Alex. "I forgot," she thought, "Bobby works on a different wave length…and I didn't know how much…he needed…maybe…loves…me…"

"Alex?" Bobby was disturbed by her silence.

She took a deep breath and cautiously reached her hand to Bobby's face. Tenderly taking his chin in her hand, she turned his face to her. His dark eyes were full of fears and doubts. She leaned forward and brushed her lips against his forehead; he blinked and reached for her. He embraced her and returned the kiss, softly brushing his lips against hers. She responded by tightening her embrace and deepening the kiss. Anxious to touch Bobby's skin, Alex slipped a hand beneath his T-shirt. Her heart broke as she felt the ridges and bumps of his scars. He stiffened, broke the kiss, and pulled away from her.

"Bobby?" Alex reached for him, but he swung his legs out from under the covers and sat on the edge of the bed. He hunched over, his arms on his knees, his head in his hands.

"Don't." His voice was flat.

Alex stared at his back. She desperately wanted to hold him, but his body was rigid with a do not touch sign.

He shook and stood. "It's…it's not you…" His white shirt dimly glowed. "It's me…" He began to pace. "I thought…facing her…everything would get better…" He rubbed the back of his neck. "I know better…" His tone was almost wistful. "It's going to take time…I've been so focused…on her…all the other things got lost…my mom…you…me…" His voice trembled.

Alex sat up. "Bobby…"

He turned to face her; the light filtering through the window blinds caught his dark, troubled eyes. "You've been so good…are so good to me…through all of this…but you've always been good to me…" He resumed pacing.

"I…I…it's easy…to do it for you…you're a good man, Bobby…I…" Alex couldn't say what she felt—had felt—for a long time.

"Everything that's happened…the worst thing…the worst time…" Bobby's voice was rough. "Today…it was today…when I thought I might lose you."

"I'm sorry," Alex whispered. She sat on the edge of the bed; the air was cold on her bare legs and feet. "I didn't think…didn't know…"

"I didn't tell you much." Bobby's voice was gentle. He faced her with the air of a man who has made a decision. "In the hospital…when I couldn't remember anything…the one thing I remembered…knew..." He sat down next to Alex. "I knew I could trust you…I knew it without knowing who you were…without knowing who I was…I knew that we were connected…I knew…I know…" He paused. He sensed his next words might send Alex out of his life. "That I love you."

She didn't react, and Bobby thought and feared he might not have said the words out loud or that she might be too shocked to answer. She reached for his left hand and linked her fingers with his.

"I love you too."

His heart and soul flew with joy, and he fell into her arms. He was suspended over her, his shirt off, and he kissed her passionately and deeply.

"Oh, Bobby," she whispered, and she gasped at the sight of his scars.

His heart and soul crashed. He pulled away from her and rolled on his back.

Confused, Alex lifted her body on one arm and softly laid her free hand on his chest. "Please…Bobby…what's wrong? Talk to me…"

"Please." His voice was an agonized whisper. One large arm was flung over his eyes. "Please don't touch me."

Stunned, Alex pulled away from him.

He rose and again sat on the edge of the bed. Even in the pale light Alex saw the terrible pattern of scars on his back.

"I'm sorry…I'm saying that a lot tonight, aren't I?" His body slumped.

Alex wasn't sure if she should feel angry or sad; what she knew she felt was confusion and frustration. "Bobby…please…"

He sighed. "I…I've dreamed about you…I love you…I want you…I want to take you in my arms and kiss and hold you…I want to make love to you…but…I…I can't…I keep remembering…" His body began to shake. "Oh, damn...damn! Fuck!" He began to sob.

Alex sat up and wrapped her arms around him. For a moment, he tried to fight her, but he finally gave way and fell into her arms.

"It's all right," she whispered to him, although she wasn't sure she believed the words. "We'll work it out…" She rubbed his back. "It's just too soon…"

After a long time, his sobs began to ease and finally stopped. Alex realized Bobby had cried himself to sleep. She rested his head on a pillow and pulled the sheets and blankets over them both. She curled up next to him and struggled to control her own tears. Exhaustion finally took her, and she slept.

End Chapter 20


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

Alex woke to the sun in her eyes and the smell of coffee in her nose. She yawned, stretched and realized she was alone in Bobby's bed. She sat up and saw a carefully folded paper on the pillow next to hers. Scrawled on it in Bobby's hand was "Alex." With a sense of dread, she opened it.

"Alex," it read, "First of all, above all, know that I love you. Know that this, that nothing about this, is your fault." Alex let out a breath. "I will be back soon, before Monday. I just need some time by myself. Alone. I haven't been alone for more than a few hours since it happened, and I need to sort some things out. I won't do anything stupid. I WILL be back. Please forgive me for taking the coward's way out with this note. I knew that if I talked to you I'd stay, and I have to do this. I promise you that I will never do anything like this again. I'll call you later today. Again, please forgive me. I do love you. Bobby. PS There's coffee. I'm not so stupid that I'd leave you without coffee."

Alex read the lines over and over. Her anger and confusion faded in the face of Bobby's declarations of love. As she sipped the coffee Bobby had made, Alex fought the urge to call his cell phone. "He needs some time…maybe I do too," she thought.

Her apartment needed cleaning, errands needed to be run, but Alex elected to run to her family. Her brother and sister-in-law welcomed her surprise offer to spend time with Alex's nephew. Alex kept her cell phone close; in the afternoon, just as she was struggling to get her nephew to take his nap, it rang.

"Bobby," she breathed as she answered.

"Hey." His voice was soft and hesitant. "Is this a bad time?"

Her nephew ceased his dismantling of his toy truck. "Bubby?"

Alex heard Bobby's soft chuckle. "Good…you're with your family…"

"Well, at least the smallest member." Alex smiled. "It's been a good morning…thanks for the coffee…"

"Well, it was the least I could do." They were both slowly circling the real issues between them. Bobby moved first. "I'm sorry, Alex…I hate people who run away, and that's what I did…"

"I wouldn't call it running away," Alex said as she kept one eye on her nephew. "More like taking a needed break."

She heard the relief in his voice. "Thank you…for understanding…I just…just needed this time…"

Her nephew had abandoned his truck and was moving towards Alex. "I do…I think…but you owe me a big, expensive dinner…"

"Deal." Alex heard the smile in Bobby's tone. "I called Deakins…let him know we're ok…you'll be glad to know we're both still on the force…"

Alex's nephew had reached her. "Bubby," he stated. He pulled on her jeans and raised his hand. "Talk to Bubby."

"Someone want to talk to me?" Bobby asked.

"Yea," Alex answered and handed the phone to her nephew. She struggled not to laugh as he described to Bobby, in great detail, the destruction of his truck, the worms he and his Aunt Alex found that morning, and his extreme reluctance to take his nap. He finally handed the phone back to his aunt.

"Bubby talk to you. No naps for Bubby."

Alex heard Bobby's soft laughter. "Hey," she said, "you're undermining my authority."

"Like you have any authority with him…he's got you wrapped around his finger…" He sounded like the Bobby she always knew, the Bobby before…

"You ok…really?" Alex asked.

There was a pause. "Yea…like I said…I just need some time…I'll let you get back to your nephew…"

"You'll call me if you need me?" Alex desperately wanted to keep talking to Bobby, but also to respect the boundaries he wanted and needed.

"Yes…Alex…about last night…I'm sorry…"

"It's ok…it was just too soon…"

"Sunday…I'll be back…I want to talk…but…right now…"

"Yes." There was so much she wanted to say to him.

"I…I …thank you…I love you." And he was gone before she could tell him she loved him.

She spent the rest of the day with her family, marveling at how some of her nieces and nephews had grown, troubled by how much older her parents seemed and how her brothers and sisters seemed focused on the encroachments of time. "You have been a little out of the loop lately, Lex," her sister told her gently when Alex expressed surprise at the news that her oldest niece was reviewing college and career options. As she drove back to her apartment, Alex realized she was out of several loops. The past months had been dominated by Bobby and her career, but this was only an extension of the pattern of the last few years. "My life," she thought, "has become my job and Bobby…and I don't mind…" The warnings of one of her instructors at the academy—"Never let the job become your life; never confuse your life with your job"—echoed briefly in her mind, but Alex knew it was too late to heed that voice.

Alex fought the impulse to call Bobby throughout the next day. She cleaned her apartment—and was particularly appalled at the state of her bathroom—and dealt with accumulated paperwork. She returned several very overdue phone calls to friends, and was surprisingly and pleasantly rewarded with an invitation from one to dinner. The dinner was wonderful but strange. Alex was glad of the opportunity to reconnect with her friend, who seemed equally delighted to be with her, but their conversation caused Alex to realize how different her life had become from that of many of her friends and from the life she had once expected.

Returning home from the dinner Alex was overwhelmed with the need to talk to someone who might have some idea of what she was experiencing, and she dialed Olivia Benson's number. She was stunned when Olivia answered; even more stunned when the other detective offered to meet her for a drink. They spent several hours over several margaritas and rums and cokes commiserating over the turns of their lives and careers. When they were finally forced out of the bar, Alex and Benson moved on to a twenty four hour diner and coffee. It was just before sunrise—and both women reasonably sober—by the time they left the diner.

"Listen," Benson said as they said goodbye. "What you did for Goren…I would've done the same…So would most of the cops I know…Say the word, and Fin'll take her out…" Alex felt a small smile cross her face. "And Elliott's lit into a couple of guys who've made comments…"

"Truth is," Alex said quietly, "Bobby's handled himself remarkably well through all of this…He's the one who's kept his cool…"

Aside from the lack of sleep and a slightly annoying headache, Alex felt much better after the long session with Benson. She checked for messages when she entered her apartment, but their absence scarcely surprised her. She took some aspirin, drank several large glasses of water, and fell into bed. Alex slept fitfully, the result of the alcohol and her concern for Bobby. Her sleep had never been entirely free of nightmares—she had seen too much and retained, for all she had seen, a sensitive soul—but she had suffered surprisingly few bad dreams throughout Bobby's ordeal. Part of this was undoubtedly due to her state of physical and emotional exhaustion, but there was also a feeling on Alex's part that Bobby suffered enough terrors for both of them, and that she had to remain strong for both of them. The dreams that invaded her sleep this night were not so much nightmares as a series of vague, disturbing images–visions of Alex trying to reach out to Bobby; of Bobby calling to her; of arms holding her and pulling her away from him.

She managed a sort of sleep until about noon. She fixed coffee, tried to eat, wrestled with the Sunday paper, but her eye was on the clock and her ear tuned to the phone. "I wish," she thought, "he'd at least let me know where he is…how he is…" The late afternoon shadows had started crossing the streets when Alex poured a glass of wine and curled up on her couch. As she sipped the wine, Alex considered her relationship with Bobby. She'd been half in love with him since she'd managed to get past his eccentricities and defenses to find the brave, intelligent, gentle and troubled man within them. The courage Bobby had demonstrated in the months following the attack upon him had deepened her feelings, and no amount of NYPD regulations and her own fears could oppose those feelings. Alex's body ached for Bobby's, but she realized that she could—and would—wait for his mind and body to heal. "I have to do this," she thought. "I just hope Bobby knows and believes that…"

The ring of her cell phone brought Alex out of her thoughts. She grabbed the phone and saw Bobby's number.

"Hey," she answered, fighting the urge to beg him to tell her where and how he was.

"Hey yourself." His voice was shy and hesitant. "I…I wonder…if you could open your door?"

"And why would I do that?" Alex was already walking to her door.

"Because I'm on the other side."

Alex opened the door to discover Bobby in the hall. Dressed in jeans and leather jacket, he looked rumpled and sleepy. One hand held his phone; the other balanced a large pizza box and a single red rose. He looked at her shyly. Smiling, Alex took the pizza and rose from him.

"This is nice," she said as she headed back to her kitchen. "But it doesn't take the place of that big dinner."

"I didn't expect it to." He seemed relieved at his welcome.

"And just one rose?" Alex called from the kitchen. "I'd thought this required a dozen at least."

"But you told me you hated roses." Bobby reached the kitchen entrance and leaned against the doorway. "So I just got one to convey the thought."

Alex slipped the rose into a small vase. "Well, it's a lovely rose…" She glanced at Bobby. "And a lovely thought."

He gave her a shy smile.

They ate the pizza in a friendly silence. Alex desperately wanted to know where Bobby had been and how he now felt, but she also felt waiting for Bobby to speak was the best option.

"Thank you, Alex," he finally said as he pushed his plate away. "For not pushing…for not asking…I appreciate it."

"It's ok," she said.

"I want you to know…I never thought of leaving…permanently…" He sat on the edge of her couch, his arms resting on his legs. "I just needed…like I told you…a little time…"

"It…it was good for me too," she whispered.

He glanced at her. "Yea…we've been living in each other's pockets lately…"

"Nice pockets though they are," she said.

A smile crossed his face. "Yea…Look…" He stood and began pacing. "I just drove around…Lewis had this project…it needed a long drive…and I drove the car around for him…I slept in it last night…just drove…" He stopped for a moment and ran his hand through his already unruly hair. "I went by my mom's grave…I drove up to Carmel Ridge to say hi to some of her friends…" He stopped pacing and looked at Alex; she felt her heart shiver. "I love you…I want to be with you…but I was hurt…do hurt…so much. I think I…I just need time…but I…I don't know how long…and I have no right…no right…to ask you to wait…"

Alex stood and walked to face him. She took his hands in hers. "We've waited nearly five years…I think a little longer won't hurt…"

Bobby looked steadily in her eyes. "What about the rules? Regulations…"

"We'll deal with them," she answered quietly.

There was a long pause. "Ok," Bobby finally said.

Alex pulled him gently towards her bedroom.

"Alex? What?"

"I missed you," she said simply. "And I want to be sure we both get a good night's sleep…and I sleep better next to you…and I think you sleep better next to me."

There was another pause. "Ok," he said.

Alex and Bobby existed in a strange limbo for the next few days. Their professional lives moved in an unusual efficiency and grace even for their legendary partnership. At work, Bobby lived on a higher plane, with his already wired brain firing on all circuits. But, as professional and organized as he was within the job, Bobby was lost and confused outside of it. Deakins and Alex both dissuaded him from working long hours; Alex thought Bobby might have slept at One Police Plaza if he could. In the evenings Bobby would occasionally allow Alex to lead him to her apartment, or he'd allow her to follow him to his; but he also pulled away from her and, stuttering and stammering, begged for time alone. At these times he was so apologetic and in so much pain Alex couldn't be angry at him.

"I have to do something," Alex thought one morning as she watched a hollow-eyed Bobby wrestle with the copier. "If not for him, then for me…" But she had no idea who she could talk to. Talking to someone would reveal the feelings she and Bobby had for each other, and Alex sensed any separation would be devastating for Bobby. She also sensed that a great many people were on their sides, but Alex didn't wish to place anyone with her and Bobby in opposing NYPD regulations. Her gaze shifted from Bobby to Deakins' office; her captain stood in the doorway, calmly surveying his command. A casual observer might think Deakins was devoting equal attention to all of the room's inhabitants, but Alex noted that his eyes were subtly focused on Bobby Goren. The captain caught Alex's eyes and walked to her desk. He dropped a file before her, but Alex recognized it as a case she and Bobby had just cleared.

"How's he doing?" Deakins asked quietly.

"He's ok…here…on the job." Alex was reluctant to reveal that her partner was spending much of his nights wearing holes in floors with his pacing back and forth, and even more reluctant to reveal how she came by this information.

Deakins gave her a sympathetic look. "I know how he's doing here, Alex. But away from here…the job…how is he?"

She hesitated.

"Come to my office," Deakins said gently and picked up the file. Anyone viewing the scene would think it was simply a captain discussing a case with one of his detectives.

Deakins shut his office door and moved behind his desk. "Look," he said with the air of a man who has made a difficult decision, "I'd never say this to any other detective…and I'd never allow this with any other partnership…as far as I'm concerned…and as far as most of anyone who matters…what you and Bobby do outside of the job…what your partnership is…we don't want to know…"

Uncertain whether she should protest, Alex stood quietly.

"I apologize, Alex…for any assumptions…I don't want you to confirm or deny anything…it's don't ask, don't tell…" His fingers played with the file. "I believe in the department's rules…but I recognize those rules need to be at least bent on occasion…both you and Bobby are tremendously important to this department…I owe you…the department owes you both…and there's a lot of sympathy…a sense that we all owe Bobby for leaving him vulnerable…and on my part…I like you both, Alex…on a personal level…but…" Deakin's voice grew grim. "I have to know if anything is hurting your job performances…and you're still on probation because of what you did during the Wallace interview…

Alex could barely breathe.

"I've laid my cards on the table, Alex," Deakins said. "Like I said, what's going on outside…I don't need to know…but I need to know if Bobby is in trouble."

"Ok," Alex thought. "He's on our side…he's always been on our side…" She looked steadily into her captain's gaze.

"He's…He thought," she said, "that facing her would help…and it has…but he was hurt so much in so many ways…and he's trying to deal with the loss of his mom…I know he's not sleeping well…but I believe…I know…he's not a danger…except maybe to…to..."

"To Bobby Goren?" Deakins suggested.

Alex nodded reluctantly. She gripped the edge of the chair in front of her. "Captain," she said, "you can't keep him from working…please…it holds him together…and he's still the best…"

"I know," Deakins said gently. "And I don't want to be the one who takes him off the job…but I can't let him hurt anyone…including you…" Alex blinked. "Or himself…but it's not near that, Alex…besides…" Deakins gave her a quick smile. "I try anything with Goren right now…Logan and Barek will be leading a revolution…" He sat at his desk. "Just keep me informed…let Bobby know my door is open…that goes for you too…"

"Yes, sir," Alex answered.

"And don't forget…you can always go to a counselor…I certainly won't think any less of you…more like the opposite…and Bobby…" Deakins tapped a pen on his desk. "Anyone who can come back from what happened to him…" Deakins shook his head. "He's a better man than me…"

"I'm not sure," Alex said quietly, "that Bobby would agree with that last statement…"

Deakins dismissed her with a sad smile.

Alex returned to her desk to begin the process of getting Bobby home. He usually presented a thousand excuses for staying late, but on this evening he offered minimal resistance. As he gathered his binder, Bobby glanced at her. "Everything ok with Deakins?"

"Yea," Alex said as she wrapped a scarf around her neck. "He's just checking on how we're doing."

"You mean," Bobby said as he slipped on his coat, "how I'm doing…" There was no bitterness in his voice, only resignation.

Alex held her tongue until they were alone in the elevator. "He's just worried about you, Bobby," she said gently. "And it's not just about the job…he respects and likes you…"

"Yea," Bobby said with a weak smile. "The troublemaker in class is always loved…"

"That's not it," Alex said softly laying a hand on his shoulder. "More like the class genius…"

They paused outside the building. The evening was cold and grey and held the promise of snow.

Alex stared up at the forbidding sky. "I don't think spring is ever going to get here."

Bobby seemed lost in his head. "I…I'll see you tomorrow, Alex…"

Alex sensed that he needed her this night but couldn't or wouldn't admit it. "You want to get some dinner? A drink?"

He shook his head. "I…I should go home…"

She reached out to touch his coat, but he stepped back. "You could come to my place…"

"I…there's some stuff of my mom's I need to deal with…" Alex thought Bobby was disappearing into his mind in front of her.

She tried once more to reach him. "Bobby…"

"Alex…please…thank you…but…" He was staring at the ground. He raised his eyes, and Alex nearly cried out at the pain in them. "I'm sorry…sorry…" He spun away and walked quickly down the street.

Stunned for a moment, Alex watched until the crowd swallowed Bobby. "It can't go on like this," she thought. "One…or both of us…is going to break…" She stood for a few seconds in thought and then, her mind made up, began walking in the opposite direction from Bobby.

Dr. George Huang yawned and stretched. It had been a long day, one filled with more than the usual quota of the disturbed, maimed, and just plain kooky. "And that," Huang wryly thought, "was just the SVU detectives…" The psychiatrist slipped on his coat, gathered a few files and papers in his briefcase, and left his office. He was locking his door when he heard the question.

"Whose side are you on—the department's or the cop's?"

End Chapter 21


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

She was tired—beyond tired. Every bone in her body called for sleep, and some had moved on to insistent screams. But her mind couldn't rest—full of thoughts and worries, it poked and prodded at her.

"I wish," Alex thought as she stared at her face in the bathroom mirror, "that my mind and body would at least get together…"

Her talk with George Huang was emotionally—and, thanks to her attacks on the pillows in his office, physically—exhausting, but rewarding at the least in granting her some release. Huang answered her question about his allegiances quickly and quietly.

"I'm a doctor," he told her. "I'm on the side of my patient. If my patient happens to be a cop, that's the side I'm on."

He insisted on talking with Alex, in spite of her objections that she could return for an appointment. For nearly two hours, Alex raged—raged at the NYPD for using and abandoning Bobby; raged at Nicole; raged at herself for letting Bobby get in this mess; raged at Bobby for getting himself in this mess; raged at Bobby for falling in love with her; raged at herself for falling in love with Bobby.

Clutching one of the pillows she'd recently abused, Alex slumped on the couch. "We didn't mean for it to happen…we fought against it…"

"People generally don't have control over love," Huang said gently. "Even first grade NYPD detectives."

Alex looked up at Huang. "You're not going to give me the lecture about getting involved with my partner…"

"Detective Eames, I strongly suspect that both you and Detective Goren are already painfully aware of the regulations and problems you face."

"The thing is…" Alex began to memorize the rug's pattern. "We're not together…at least not in the way…We've slept together…but that's all…we've slept…nothing else…"

Huang leaned forward. "Detective Goren…" The psychiatrist's voice was calm and gentle. "He's reluctant…or can't…make love to you…because of what happened…"

Alex was grateful Huang used the term "make love". "He understands," she thought, "what we feel…" She ceased her study of the rug. "Yes," she said. She tightly gripped the arms of her chair. "He tells me that he loves me…that he needs me…wants me…I know that…and I love him…need him…want him…but…" She swallowed. "When I see…or touch…the scars on his body…I…I can't imagine the pain he suffered…is suffering…and he knows that…and he just…freezes…" Her voice took on a desperate tone. "I think it's tearing him apart…and I'm helping to cause it…I don't know what to do…"

"You know this is not your fault," Huang said. "You're no more at fault for what happened to Detective Goren than he is…you have to understand and accept that…."

"Easier said than done." Alex grabbed a tissue from the box on Huang's desk. "He's well prepared," she thought, "for any kind of emotional outburst…"

Huang gave her a small, reassuring smile. "It often is…and you need to remember, he's not only dealing with the attack…he's still grieving for his mother…and as much as he obviously loved and cared for her, that was clearly a very complicated relationship…and given the way in which she died and his helplessness…" Huang pressed his hands together. "Any one of these things might have destroyed an individual…that Detective Goren is where he's at is a testimony to his strength and intelligence…I wish I could tell you something that would solve everything, but I can't. I can only tell you that you need to keep talking with him…and give him time…"

"So," Alex thought as the hot water of her shower quieted some of her body's cries, "he told me stuff I already knew…but it helped…" For a moment she leaned against the tiles. "I can wait…Bobby's worth it…more than worth it…I can wait…"

A long shower usually calmed Alex, but she was still restless after she emerged from the bathroom. She sipped decaf tea as she tried, not entirely successfully, to concentrate on David Letterman (both she and Bobby favored Letterman's occasionally bleak view of the world to Jay Leno's relentless cheerfulness. "Besides," Alex told Bobby one night, "Dave stayed in New York.") She was about ready to abandon the TV for an attempt at sleep when she heard a faint, hesitant knock at her door.

"At this hour," Alex thought, "it's either a monster or Bobby…and the odds are it's Bobby…pursued by monsters…"

She glanced through the peephole; Bobby—gaunt, eyes red rimmed—stood in the hallway. Alex opened the door, and he stared at her for a few moments. He realized she wore her usual sleeping attire of pajama bottoms and a T-shirt.

"I…I'm sorry…I didn't…think…know…how late it was…" he mumbled. "I…I should go…"

Fearing he might run away, Alex gently took his arm. Although he wore his leather jacket and a sweater, Bobby shivered.

"It's ok…I was watching TV…come in."

He allowed her to guide him into the apartment, but walked away from her to stand in front of her balcony window.

"Bobby?" Alex's voice was tender. "What is it? What's wrong?" She started to walk towards him.

Without turning around, Bobby suddenly thrust a letter sized sheet of paper at her. Alex took and looked at it. She didn't recognize the handwriting, although it was vaguely similar to Bobby's.

"There…when I visited Carmel Ridge…there was a box…" Bobby's voice was choked and soft. "My mom…during one of her good times…she gave it to an administrator…who went on to another job…the person who took her job…found it…gave it to me…" He rubbed the back of his neck. "I…this evening…just got the chance to go through it…there were pictures…books…this…" He waved back at Alex.

Alex started to read the letter out loud.

"My dearest Robert," it began. "My dear, good son." Alex looked up at Bobby; he stood, his arms folded, staring out her window. She continued to read. "I'm writing this during one of my "good" times. My good times so rarely come now when you're with me. I know that it hurts you when I don't know you, or blame you, or accuse you. You try so hard to hide it, and you succeed most of the time. But sometimes I can see it. Please forgive me. You are so good to me. I see the others here—the ones without friends or family; the ones without visitors because their friends or families have given up. You have never given up. Even when you were a little boy and afraid, you never gave up. When I see you now and I can understand what I see, I am very proud of you. You have work of value and you do it well. I wish it were in a safer profession, but I even take pride that you are willing to make such a sacrifice for others. I know that you think that when you joined the Army that you abandoned me. You did not. You were doing what you needed to do. And you came back. You have always come back. I am leaving this letter, along with some things important to me, with Miss Lemly. I do not want to destroy them in one of my rages. This includes the medal you won and gave to me. I understand this is one of the highest honors you can receive. I only wish I could have been there to see you receive it. You looked so handsome and brave in the pictures you brought to me. I'm putting those with these things. Whatever happens to me, I want you to know these things. I wish and want so many things for you, Robert. I wish you had a better father, a better brother, a better mother. I wish I could have met your friends, especially…"

Alex's voice faltered, and out of the corner of her eye she saw Bobby tremble.

"…your partner. I want you to be happy. I want you to know that I love you. The real me, the one this illness doesn't have, loves and is proud—so proud—of you. You are a good man. Mom."

Alex lowered the sheet of paper; she felt the tears streaming down her face. She walked up to Bobby and tenderly placed her hand on his back. He shivered at her touch and she felt the quivers of tension in his muscles.

"She knew, Bobby," Alex whispered. "She knew you were a good man. She loved you."

Bobby began to shake; Alex carefully laid the letter on a small table and reached up to hug him. He suddenly turned to her and, sobbing, fell to his knees. She sat on the edge of her couch and cradled his head.

"It's all right," she whispered to him. "She loved you…I love you…"

"Mom…Mom…Alex…" he gasped between his sobs.

She began to gently rock him back and forth as he cried.

He sat motionless in the large, overstuffed chair and watched her sleep. The soft light from the window painted her face in streaks of soft white and black. She was beautiful, but Alex was always beautiful. Sleep, however, softened her features and removed the defensive smirk often lurking at the corners of her eyes and mouth. He placed his elbows on his knees and rested his head in his hands.

"I don't deserve her," he thought. "There's no way I deserve anyone as wonderful and beautiful as her…I'm not on the same planet with her…but she loves me…there must be something about me…if she loves me…and my mom…she loved me…even in the middle of her illness…she knew…knew that I was a good man…"

He glanced at the letter lying on the table near the chair. He wasn't sure how many times he'd read its words since he'd discovered the sheet of paper. He feared that if he didn't keep reading the few lines the small, deliberate markings might vanish from the page. He had rushed to Alex's apartment out of a desperate need to have the letter's contents confirmed by someone else, to hear the words read aloud by another voice, a voice that he knew and trusted.

Bobby slid from the chair to kneel beside the couch. He had a dim memory of crying to sleep in Alex's arms. When he woke, he found his head lying in her lap, one of her arms draped protectively over him as she slept. He slipped from her arms as carefully as he could and covered her with the throw decorated with dogs that, Alex told him proudly, her sister made for her. Then he sat and watched her sleep. And for the first time in many months, Bobby Goren felt at peace.

He knelt beside the couch, one arm on the headrest, the other resting close to Alex's face. He leaned his head so that he could look down on Alex's face. Bobby believed he had been in love before, but those feelings were nothing in comparison to what he felt for Alex. He wanted to protect her, be protected by her, share in and with everything with her. He felt a strange exhilarating freedom—not just from the rules and regulations of the NYPD—but as if he could allow himself to love Alex, as if he might, just might, be worthy enough to love Alex.

Alex stirred and murmured; Bobby thought he heard his name. She frowned and fumbled for something; Bobby slipped his hand into hers, and she smiled. His heart shivered and soared. For a few moments he remained silent and still. He carefully eased his hand from her grasp, and, wincing slightly, Bobby stood. He bent over, cautiously collected Alex in his arms, and lifted her.

"H-m-m-ph? Bobby?"

He gently laid her on her bed. "Yea?"

"What…are you all right?" She wasn't quite fully awake.

"I'm great…great…just getting you into bed…" He hoped to get her back to sleep.

"Stay…ok?"

He pulled the covers over her. "Of course…just give me a minute…" He stripped to his boxers and T-shirt and slipped beside her.

Alex closed her eyes, smiled, and scuttled close to Bobby.

He didn't immediately recognize the room. It seemed familiar, but everything about it was much smaller. He saw the stacks of books and realized he was in the library where his mother worked before she became ill. "It's a dream," Bobby thought. "But not a bad one." He caught his reflection in a highly polished case, and saw he wore his dress uniform. Hearing soft footsteps behind him, Bobby turned. His mother, separated from him by a long, low bookcase, walked down an aisle. She smiled at him—the calm, loving, proud smile Bobby could just remember. Her eyes were clear and open, free of the demons that frequently lurked there. He wanted to speak to her, to reach out to her, to follow her, but some force held him silent and still. His mother paused before a door. "It's all right, Robert." He felt her voice more than he heard it. "I'm all right now." She smiled at him, opened the door, and stepped through it.

"Bobby? Bobby?"

Alex woke, and for a moment her sleep befuddled brain struggled to understand how she'd gotten to her bed. She blinked and discovered Bobby curled next to her. He was asleep, but his face was puzzled. Alex rose on one arm and carefully studied Bobby; he was clearly in the middle of a dream, but he didn't appear to be in any distress. As she watched him, he stirred.

"Bobby?" she whispered. "Bobby?"

Bobby woke and stared into Alex's eyes. "Alex," he whispered and reached for her. He pulled her gently down so she rested on his chest; he wrapped his long arms and legs around her. She rested for a few moments in his cocoon and heard his steady heartbeat.

"I just had…I'd say strange, but aren't all dreams strange?" His voice was soft and clear; Alex thrilled to hear the familiar wonder and amusement that had been missing from Bobby's voice in the past weeks. "I think…my mother just said goodbye to me…"

Alex folded her arms on his chest, rested her head on them, and looked up at Bobby.

"I…I'm not sure what I believe in, Alex…when you've been raised Catholic, there's a residue…" One of his hands found its way to gently tangle in her hair. "But you know that…" They shared a quick smile. "I believe in something…I'm not sure I can define it…what I just experienced…did my mom just say goodbye to me…or was it me wanting something definite…"

"I don't know, Bobby." Alex reached up to brush his cheek. "I can tell you…" She hesitated. "I've never told anyone this…" Bobby looked at her curiously. "When my husband…when Joe was killed…a few weeks after…I had this dream…he came to me…told me he was ok…" One of her hands found one of Bobby's. "It…it was still hard…but it was easier after that…it still hurt…a lot…sometimes it still hurts a lot…but it was easier…"

She pulled his hand to her lips. Her fingers softly traced the scar around his wrist. Bobby gave a shiver and relaxed.

"Does it…physically…does it still hurt anywhere?" she asked. Her voice didn't betray her fears. A long silence followed, and Alex feared Bobby wouldn't or couldn't answer her.

"Sometimes," he finally answered. "My ribs occasionally…my shoulders seem awfully sensitive to changes in the weather…it's the things you can't see…the scars…they don't hurt…"

Alex lifted Bobby's right hand; tenderly, carefully, she brushed her lips against the ragged skin on his wrist. She placed soft kisses up Bobby's arm until she reached the ugly scars on his elbow. As she had with his wrist, Alex glided her fingertips over the rough skin and brushed her lips against it. Bobby trembled slightly and sighed.

"Are you all right?" Alex whispered. "Is this ok?"

"Y-yes…it…" Bobby swallowed. "It…feels…good…it helps." His hands played with Alex's hair. "Alex…your husband…you've never really talked about him…you can, you know…it doesn't bother me…but I don't want to push…"

Alex propped her body on one elbow; she liked the feeling of leaning against and resting on Bobby. "Yea…you're right…I guess…I feel really safe with you now."

A warm thrill flowed through Bobby. "I'm glad," he said. "I'm glad you feel safe with me…it's…I'm happy that I…get to…a little…protect you."

Alex folded her arms on Bobby's chest and rested her head on them. "My big brave guy," she said and immediately regretted the words.

Bobby smiled wistfully. "Well, big…I don't know about brave…"

"You," Alex said firmly, "are one of the bravest people I know."

There was a pause, and Alex thought Bobby might have fallen asleep.

"Alex?"

"Yea…"

"I…I don't know…when…when I'll be able…ready…to make love with you…"

"It's ok," she said gently. "I want you…need you…love you…but this…being with you like this…it's pretty…great…really…"

Bobby slightly tightened his arms around her. "Yea…" he said softly and sleepily. "This is pretty great."

She nestled in his embrace. She felt his breath ruffling her hair.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"You're welcome…Alex…I feel…almost whole again…almost like before…I don't know what I would have done without you…thank you…"

She kissed his chest and cuddled closer to him. Untouched, for once, by dreams or terrors, they slept.

End Chapter 22


	23. Chapter 23

WARNING--Adult content

Chapter 23

Each night Bobby seemed calmer; each night he flinched less when Alex touched him; each night he slept better. He no longer fled from her; he explained calmly, if apologetically, when he needed time alone. His occasionally bleak and black sense of humor returned. His work remained brilliant, augmented by his greater compassion. Nicole was a distant, ugly memory—rumors of her behavior and troubles reached Alex's ears, and she was certain Bobby heard these as well—but the source of Bobby's pain was barely a blip on their collective radars.

"I wonder," Alex thought one day as she watched as Bobby explained with great animation to a secretary just why the copier was out to get him, "if it's true that whatever doesn't break you makes you stronger. If it is, Bobby must be the strongest man in the NYPD."

Bearing both their coats, he arrived at her desk. "Ready for court?" he asked.

Alex made a face. "As much as I ever am," she sighed as she put on her coat. "I don't know why we need to testify on this one—the case is Logan and Barek's…"

He helped her on with her coat. "Yea…but you helped with the evidence, and Barek and I worked on the profile…Carver said the defense attorney is trying a shotgun approach…shoot wide and wild…"

Logan and Barek accompanied them to the courthouse; Bobby was greatly amused by Logan's complaints about Alex's driving.

"You know," Bobby said, turning to speak to the two detectives in the back seat, "she drives really well…you could've gotten me…"

"That would really terrify you, Logan. Riding with Goren driving is being considered for one of the new thrill rides at Disney," Alex said as she deftly beat a taxi into a lane. "There's a reason I drive."

"You drive just fine, Alex," Barek said dryly. "Logan's only happy when he's complaining…I think it's an Irish thing…"

"Hey, I'm glad I'm around to serve as your punching bag," Logan said with a grin.

Throughout the morning, the four detectives were grateful for each other's company. Lacking a strong defense, the accused man's attorney sought to use confusion as his chief weapon. Carver got a strenuous workout jumping up to offer objections as the lawyer attempted to discredit the prosecution's witnesses. Logan held his temper, although the expression on his face as he sat down after finishing his testimony nearly sent Barek and Alex into a giggling fit, especially after Bobby smiled wickedly and hissed "Behave!" at them. The jury was clearly impressed by Barek's wry bemusement and calm testimony, and, while Alex was irritated by the defense attorney's efforts to trap and trip her, she remained focused and gave her evidence clearly.

Bobby was the last of the four to take the stand; Carver wanted him to weave the strands of evidence and testimony together for the jury. In spite of their more than occasional conflicts, Bobby and Carver respected each other, and Alex watched in admiration as the prosecutor deftly led her partner's testimony. "He's good at this…putting things together so the jury can understand," Barek whispered to Alex at one point, and Alex nodded. Carver concluded his questioning, and the defense attorney rose.

At first, Alex couldn't comprehend what route the lawyer was taking with his questions. He asked Bobby about his experiences as a soldier performing intelligence work and as a detective; Bobby answered warily but clearly. The attorney then questioned Bobby about his background and use of psychology; Bobby continued to answer cautiously. Alex saw that Carver was watching the proceedings closely and ready to spring at any moment.

"You have confidence in your abilities to offer psychological profiles? Such as the one you produced of my client?" the attorney asked.

"Yes," Bobby answered calmly. "And I work with others…Detective Barek worked with me and produced much of the profile you mention."

"But," the attorney said, "didn't you recently suffer…"

Bobby and Barek both realized what was coming an instant before Alex and Logan. Alex saw Bobby stiffened and felt Barek's sudden shiver of movement. A second later, Alex and Logan both fought against jumping from their seats, and Carver prepared to launch his body from his chair.

"Didn't you recently suffer an emotional breakdown?" the lawyer asked. "How reliable can your opinions be…"

Carver objected violently—Alex thought she had never seen him so angry in court. His reaction was personal and, she thought, protective. Throughout the following parry and thrust of the lawyers, Alex remained focused on Bobby. He sat stoically, as if in some way he expected this development. The judge finally allowed the questioning to continue, but only after warning the defense.

Bobby answered without hesitation. "Yes, I had a breakdown as a result of great physical and emotional trauma." He looked directly at the defense attorney. "I can go into detail about it if you want. But several very reputable and distinguished doctors and psychiatrists can testify to my sanity. I don't think, sir, that you, or especially your client, can do the same."

Alex saw several members of the jury smile at Bobby's comments. The defense attorney retreated, and Bobby stepped from the witness chair. "Nice comeback," Logan whispered to him, and Barek gave Bobby a warm smile. Alex wanted to wrap her arms around him, but settled for a comment of "Nice job, partner." Bobby replied with a weak smile and sat next to her; Alex felt the tension radiate from his body.

Bobby had to leave for a physical therapy appointment before the session ended, but Logan and Barek insisted he and Alex join them for dinner. At the session's conclusion, Carver approached the detectives and profusely thanked them for their testimony.

"The defense has already sent me some notes asking for a reconsideration of a plea bargain…I'm not favorably disposed toward that right now," Carver said with grim satisfaction.

"Yea, you sic 'em, Counselor," Logan grinned.

Carver gave a quick smile. "Where's Detective Goren? I especially wanted to thank him…"

"Physical therapy session," Alex replied. She looked down at her shoes—her recent encounters with Carver had been stormy due to her tendency to blame him for at least some of Bobby's troubles. "Thank you," she said softly. "For standing up for him…for trying…"

"Detective Goren handled the situation very well…he didn't need my help…but thank you, Detective." Carver looked genuinely grateful for Alex's words.

"You need us, Mr. Carver…just let us know," Barek said gently. "C'mon, Alex—let's get our partners buy us dinner."

Bobby was the last of the four detectives to arrive at the Irish bar Logan insisted on for their dinner. (Alex agreed to the location only after Barek assured her it offered more than just Guinness and Bushmill's on its menu.) Bobby arrived just in time to keep Alex from sending out a search party.

"Sorry," he said with a wave of his hand. "PT session…they're just hard…"

"Yea," Logan said. "I hear some of those can be torture…"

The words died on his lips. "Damn…I'm sorry, Goren…" Logan was sincerely upset, which was the only reason Alex didn't whack him up the side of the head.

"It's ok, Logan…really…" Bobby waved at a waiter and pointed at Alex's pint of Guinness to make a request. "People do not need to walk on eggshells around me…in fact, I'd rather they didn't…"

"You handled things really well on the stand today," Barek said.

The waiter handed Bobby his beer. He took a sip before answering. "Yea…well…I have to confess…I've been waiting for a chance to use that line…" And he grinned.

It was a fun evening marred only by the fact the participants' exhaustion made it a relatively early one. Alex gently urged Bobby to stay at her apartment, and he was both too tired and grateful to argue.

"I was really proud of you today," she said as she helped him out of his coat.

"I was proud of you…you're tough and smart…" He smiled at her, and Alex's heart filled.

"This could be it," Alex thought. "Maybe tonight."

He didn't protest as she led him to the bedroom, but Bobby was very quiet. As they sat on the edge of her bed, Alex cautiously slipped her hands beneath Bobby's shirt. He briefly shivered, but didn't protest as her fingers softly glided across the scars on his back.

"Is this ok?" she whispered.

"Yea…it's…it's good." Bobby took a deep breath. "The doctors tell me most of the scars should look better by summer…I should be able to go to the beach without terrifying small children."

He fell back on the bed and turned deliberately on his stomach; Alex felt a wave of gratitude for the gesture of trust. She tenderly massaged his back and sensed the tension seep from Bobby's body.

"Thank you." The pillows muffled his voice.

Alex took a deep breath. "There's something else," she whispered, "I'd like to do…"

Bobby turned his head; he looked up at her with a weary smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

Alex slipped from the bed and stood at its side. She wore pajama bottoms and a T-shirt, her usual attire for bed. She pulled the pants down and stepped out of them. Bobby's eyes widened and he rolled on his side; he raised his body on one arm.

"Alex," he gasped.

She leaned over him and softly touched a finger to his lips. "It's all right," she said tenderly. "No pressure…whatever you want to do…but I want you to know that I trust you…you don't have to be afraid of hurting me…I know you won't…" She straightened and reached for the bottom of her T-shirt. "I know you could never hurt me…" She pulled the shirt over her head. "This seemed to be one way I could prove it to you." She dropped the shirt to join the pants on the floor and quickly shed her underwear. Alex stood naked and vulnerable in front of Bobby.

In the soft light of the small lamp she was beautiful, more beautiful than any dream, any hope. Bobby sat up slowly and adored her. His hands, seemingly with a will of their own, reached for her but hesitated inches away from her body.

"You…You're so…oh, Alex…" His voice was a rough and tender whisper.

With a confidence she scarcely felt, Alex stepped to the bed and reached for his hands. Suddenly embarrassed, he stared at the floor.

"Hey," Alex said gently; she released one of his hands and raised hers to touch his chin. "I'm the one who's naked here."

He raised his eyes to her and smiled. Alex shivered.

"I…I'm sorry," he said. "You're cold…here…get under the covers…"

She didn't tell him that the cold had very little to do with her shivers. She lay beside him, and he stared down at her as if he was attempting to remember every inch of her body. He started to pull the covers over them, but she stopped him with a gentle touch of her hand to his chest.

"It's all right," she said. "You…you're the blanket I want…"

He hovered over her. He studied her cream colored skin, the way the soft pink buds of her nipples and the soft pale hair between her legs shone against it. Her strong muscles rippled beneath the clear skin.

"Alex," he murmured. "You're so beautiful…strong and tender…soft and tough…everything at the same time…"

Alex smiled up at him and again touched his chin.

"So are you," she said softly. "So strong and gentle." She brushed his cheek with her thumb. "You can touch me, you know."

He turned his head into her touch. His dark eyes reflected the struggle in his mind. He stretched out on his side next to her; one of his hands stroked her cheek.

"I'm…afraid," he confessed in a low voice. "I'm afraid of hurting you…I…I'm afraid I…I won't be able to…" He swallowed. "I'm afraid I'll remember…I love you so much…sometimes I think I'm going to explode…or burn up from the inside…"

Alex felt her heart breaking; she wanted to wrap herself around Bobby; to hug and hold him and tell him everything would be all right. But she sensed that might drive him further back into his defenses—perhaps even drive him away. He had to find the courage to reach out to her.

She turned on her side to face him. "Whatever you want, Bobby…whatever you need…"

He stared at her; his hand traveled slowly and tenderly across her face and down her neck, pausing briefly to trace her jaw.

"So lovely…" he whispered. "So good…"

He sat up and swung his legs out of the bed. Alex's heart leaped into her throat; she feared he was leaving. He stood, turned, and gazed down at her. He ran a large hand through his hair, and then pulled off his T-shirt and shed his boxers. Standing naked next to the bed, Bobby was open and vulnerable.

"Alex?" His voice was soft and hesitant.

As Alex gazed at him and viewed the fading scars on his body her mind jolted back to that horrible, freezing room, to the smell of blood, to the sight of Bobby's battered body and his murdered mother. For a few moments she struggled for control, but she began to sob.

A confused and hurt Bobby dropped on the bed. "Alex…what's wrong…Alex…please…" He tentatively touched her on the shoulder; Alex flinched and covered her face with her hands. "Please…talk to me…Please…" Bobby reached for her. She briefly fought against him, but finally fell into his arms.

"B…Bobby…I…I'm sorry…please…forgive me…please," she gasped out between sobs. "It's not you…it's…it's not your fault…"

"Alex…" he said over and over again. "Please…it's all right…" He had no idea of what to say to her. "Do," Bobby thought, "what she did for you…does for you…"

He hugged her and rubbed her back. "I'm here, Alex…I love you…whatever you need…I'm here…"

Her tears soaked his chest, and her sobs shook them both. The sobs finally began to ease, and Alex realized how strong Bobby's arms were, how gentle his touch, how soft his skin and hair. She nested in his arms and could hear his heartbeat.

"Alex?" he whispered.

"I…I'm sorry," she answered. "It's just that…that I remembered…"

Understanding dawned in Bobby's mind. "When…you…found us?" His chin rested on her head. "Oh, Alex…that must have been terrible…"

She pulled back to look at him. "It doesn't…begin to compare with…what it was for you…." She rubbed at her eyes with her fists. "I'm being a baby…"

He gave her a wan smile. "Hey, coulda been worse…women have had some odd reactions to my body…but that's the first time it sent someone into hysterics…"

She tried to return the smile. "That wasn't it…you're beautiful." She leaned forward and kissed his chest. To her relief and joy he didn't flinch or pull away. He tenderly took her chin in his hand and lifted her face to his. He kissed her eyes, her cheeks, and her lips.

"Your tears," he said gently, "are sweet."

She responded by wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him to her. "All of you," Alex said tenderly, "is sweet."

She kissed him deeply and passionately, her tongue easily slipping into his mouth, all of her long suppressed want and need in the gesture. Bobby answered with equal desire; as he kissed her he pressed her back against the pillows. They rained kisses over each other for the next minutes. Once Bobby started touching Alex he seemed unable to stop; each touch sent waves of fire and pleasure through her. His kisses and touches had both reverence and passion in them. When he kissed and nipped at the point where her neck and shoulders and chest met, Alex began murmuring incoherently and forgot about Bobby's pain. She hugged him tightly and let her fingers weave though his hair. Bobby stiffened, but his love and passion for Alex overwhelmed his fears and memories. He moved down her body, pausing to kiss her breasts, to cup them in his hands, to nip and kiss and suck at the nipples. Aching for more contact, Alex arched against him. She wanted to take his erect cock in her hands, but a faint voice warned her against that action.

As if in answer to her thoughts, Bobby murmured, "Alex…please…let me…please…I need to…"

She gently took his face in her hands; his cheeks were damp with tears and sweat.

"I love you," she whispered. "I trust you…do what you need…what you want…"

He kissed her deeply as one of his hands slipped between her legs to brush and cup the soft hair and flesh. Alex gasped as he slid two long fingers into her. He stopped, and she pushed desperately against him.

"Please…" she whimpered. "More…please, Bobby…I want you…please…"

Bobby stared at her; she writhed beneath his touch. He turned away to reach for his pants.

"What? Bobby?" She reached for him, her hands clutching at the air.

"Just needed this." Bobby pulled a small packet from the pockets of his discarded pants. The few seconds he took to slip on the condom were some of the longest of Alex's life. She flung her arms around Bobby when he returned to her.

"I love you so much," she cried. "Please…please… Bobby…"

All thoughts, all memories vanished from Bobby's brain. Only Alex—his love for Alex, his need to please her—remained. He pushed as gently as he could into her body; she was warm and tight and wonderful. He filled her and felt the connection between them flow through and heal him. Bobby stared at her face; her eyes were closed in pleasure.

"Alex…" he gasped as he thrust into her, "Look at me…please…look at me…"

She blinked and opened her eyes, eyes full of love and need and want. "Bobby…love you…love you…"

He lost himself in her. He was Alex; she was Bobby. The world exploded in and around them. He heard her call his name; he thought he shouted hers before a wonderful, glorious oblivion took him.

"Bobby." Alex's soft voice touched the edge of his mind. "My beautiful, brave, wonderful Bobby…"

He dimly felt her fingers tenderly dancing through his hair. He was draped over Alex; their bodies still connected by his slowly softening cock. His head lay on her shoulder; her arms held him.

"I need to get off of her," Bobby thought. He tried to move, but Alex gently tightened her arms.

"It's all right," she whispered in his ear. "Like I said, I want you to be my blanket."

He ceased trying to force his body to move. An unfamiliar but wonderful feeling rose in his heart. "What is this?" he thought. "Is it…am I…happy…no…not just that…it's more…so much more…"

He desperately needed to see Alex's face. Bobby raised his body on unsteady arms and carefully slid from Alex's body; she cooed softly in pleasure. He managed to remove the condom and toss it in the wastebasket. He turned back to Alex. She was beautiful, glowing with contentment, her eyes full of love. Bobby leaned over her and brushed his lips against her forehead; the moisture there tasted sweet and salty.

"Thank you," he whispered. "I love you…so much…" He settled by her side.

"Thank you," she answered. She brushed her hand against his cheek. "I…I don't mean to sound…stupid…but…it's never been that…so good…Bobby…it was the best…the best…"

Tears brimmed in his eyes. "Me…me too." He shivered.

She snuggled closer to him and pulled the sheets and blankets over them. He reached for her, and Alex moved eagerly into his arms. The tears spilled from Bobby's eyes.

"I…I…don't know what…what I'd have done…what I would…do without you," he whispered.

"I don't even want to think about being without you," Alex answered. There were tears in her eyes as well.

They were safe and happy and warm in each other's arms. Bobby and Alex fell into a blissful, blessed sleep.

End Chapter 23


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

He woke to a stream of sunlight on his face. He blinked, yawned, and stretched. Falling into a pillow he breathed the intoxicating combination of lavender and Alex. "It's not a dream," he thought. "It's real. I made love with Alex last night and I'm lying in her bed and I'm warm and safe and happy and I made love with Alex and I love her and she loves me…" Bobby embraced the pillow tightly and realized Alex wasn't at his side. He turned and saw Alex, wearing his shirt and sitting in a chair, smiling at him. His heart turned flips in his chest.

"Hey," she said. She slipped from the chair to kneel beside the bed. "You sleep well?"

"Yea," he said and pulled her to him. He kissed her deeply. "What were you doing?"

"Watching you sleep," she answered with a trace of embarrassment.

"I do it too…I mean…I watch you sleep…not me…I mean…I don't think I could watch me sleep…"

Alex moved into the bed and sprawled over Bobby's body. "I get it…you need some coffee…"

His hand slipped under the shirt and gently cupped a breast. "You're a little overdressed, aren't you?"

She smiled at him. "Depends on what for."

"Definitely for what I have in mind." He grinned.

"Well, I've already called Deakins to tell him we'll be late…but we need to get a move on…" She struggled out of his grasp.

Bobby watched her walk away. "You should've told him we couldn't make it in at all."

"Didn't want to push it…he's been awfully good to us…" Alex pulled off the shirt and enjoyed the resulting gasp from Bobby. "Hurry up," she said. "I'm not going to save any hot water for you…"

The show was invigorating, and not just because the hot water ran out. They dressed quickly, and Alex was amused by the care Bobby took in selecting a tie from the small inventory of his clothes that had made its way to Alex's apartment.

"You need to bring some more," she said.

He paused in his careful examination of a dark blue tie with pale blue spots—Alex failed to see how it differed from the pale blue tie with dark blue spots.

"Listen, Eames," Bobby said with the air of a professor lecturing a class. "Tie selection is an important element in my arsenal of psychological weapons…"

Alex grabbed one of the ties and threw it around Bobby's neck. "Hurry up…and don't call me Eames after the intimate knowledge you just had of my body…you owe me breakfast…"

"Oh," Bobby said laughing as he fumbled with the tie. "We couldn't linger in bed but we have time for breakfast?"

"Listen," Alex said as she dodged a kiss. "You want me to have the energy to work…or linger in bed…you feed me…"

She took pity on him and breakfast consisted of coffee and a bagel from a kiosk. "Don't think," she told him as she wiped cream cheese off his face, "This absolves you of giving me breakfast in bed with a flower in vase and everything."

Bobby grinned at her and gently pulled her into a doorway.

"Bobby? What? H-m-ph…"

He kissed her and held her for a few moments. "Sorry," he said huskily. "It's just I know I won't be able to do that for several hours."

"Uh…yea…" Alex's brain began to reassemble.

They moved back into the rush of people on the sidewalk.

"So," Alex said as they stood before One Police Plaza. "Is this going to be weird? And hard?"

"I don't know," Bobby answered. "Life is always a little weird around me."

Alex smiled. "Weird is good."

They weren't naïve; both Bobby and Alex were veterans of the romantic ballet. But this was different…very different. There was none of the period of awkward getting to know the other partner; they already knew much about each other. They knew each other's favorite foods and colors; they knew each other's allergies. They even knew how they liked to sleep. Alex knew that Bobby despised peas ("awful, squishy things"), and Bobby knew that Alex liked espresso with enough sugar to turn it into syrup. It was both disconcerting and exhilarating to learn about each other sexually, but that wonderful exploration was tempered by the remnants of Bobby's ordeal. He was recovering—and had, in many ways, remarkably recovered—but there were still moments.

Alex found him capable of the most romantic and passionate behavior, but he was also adorably silly in bed. She discovered that he loved tickling and being tickled, and she took great joy in sending him into spasms of laughter when she could. The joy she felt when he tenderly and wondrously explored her body was more than just a sensual experience—although as sensual experiences went, these were astounding—but also a deeply emotional one.

But one night she tickled him and Bobby fall back on her bed in a gale of giggles. Without thinking, Alex sprang on top of him, her legs on either side of his body, and held him down with a hand on each of his shoulders. She choked on her laughter as Bobby turned white and began shaking.

"Bobby?" She reached a hand to his chin. "What…"

He threw an arm across his face. "Please," he whispered. "Please…get off me…" He struggled for control.

Alex suddenly realized what her actions had done to him. She scrambled off the bed. "Oh, Bobby…I'm sorry…so sorry…"

He trembled violently, and flinched when she tried to touch him.

"I…please…please don't touch me…" Bobby knew his gestures and words hurt Alex, but his pain and fears were too great.

"Bobby…please…" He felt the bed shift slightly as she sat on it. "Talk to me…tell me what you need…want…"

He lay for a few seconds—seconds that seemed hours to Alex—as the terrible memories of the pain, of the cold and dark, faded.

"I'm sorry." His arm still shielded his eyes. "I…I just need…a few moments."

"Can I do anything?" Alex whispered.

He dropped his arm by his side; his eyes were dark and trouble, but he gazed steadily at Alex.

"You're here," he said softly. "That's…a lot…"

Alex wanted to wrap around Bobby; she settled for tenderly brushing her hand against his.

"I'm sorry," she said again. "I just didn't think…"

"You shouldn't have to," Bobby said. The moment had passed and he was calm. "It's not your fault…I'm sorry I flipped out…" He gave her a tentative smile and clutched her hand.

Alex lay beside him and cautiously touched his chest. To her relief, he didn't pull away, but scuttled closer to her.

"It's just," he said. "What you did…my body has memories…and it triggered them…"

"Ok now?"

"Uh…yea…talking about…explaining it…it helps…"

"Helps me too."

He frowned. "You…" He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. "You shouldn't have to…to…"

Alex gently stretched out on Bobby. "You going to tell me I shouldn't take care of you?"

A bittersweet smile appeared on Bobby's face. "You know me pretty well," he said. "It's just…" One of his hands came to tangle in her hair. "I've always thought…a…if you love someone…it should be equal…give and take…and it seems I'm taking an awful lot…"

Alex brushed a hand against his cheek. "You give…all the time…in ways you can't imagine…"

His hands weaved in and out of her hair; Alex fought the impulse to purr.

"It's just…I can' t give you much, Alex…I don't have money…I don't know…if I can…give you marriage…children…"

Alex lay quietly for a few moments. "I don't know if I want those things," she finally said. "I mean…well…money…" She smiled quickly. "A little more wouldn't hurt…but marriage…children…" Bobby could just see her eyes through the veil of her hair. "I had a chance for all of that…and I wanted it…but now…I love my work…I love you…I'm happy…" She raised her body so she could look Bobby in the eyes. "Know this, Bobby…I'm not sacrificing anything for you…I'm getting everything from you…"

They held each other tightly.

"Ok?" Alex asked.

"Ok." Bobby answered.

"All right," she said. "Now where were we?"

And Bobby laughed as Alex tickled him.

The next morning Alex stifled a yawn as she watched Bobby quietly take the pieces of evidence she had handed him and weave them into a case in front of her, Deakins, and Carver. It was a pleasantly familiar sensation, one that Alex enjoyed even more now that she and Bobby were together. It did mean that she had to resist the urge to shout at the top of her lungs, "See that? See what my man can do? How smart he is? He can think circles around you. And when we get home he can cook dinner and take me to bed and make me scream with joy. And he's mine! MINE!"

She settled, as always, for giving Bobby an enigmatic smile—some day she would tell him the thoughts behind it—as they returned to their desks. Carver thanked them and promised they would have a warrant within an hour. As the prosecutor reached the Major Case Squad door, an agitated Casey Novak met him. Alex's gaze caught Bobby's, and she thought his surprised and worried expression must mirror hers. Novak and Carver entered Deakins' office; the detectives saw their captain shoot them a concerned look.

"Oh, no," Alex thought. "What's Nicole done now…"

Alex met Bobby's eyes; the pain and fear in them struck her like a blow. She jumped from her chair and crossed to him.

"C'mere," she whispered urgently to Bobby, who, stunned, looked up at her.

"What?"

"Now…come with me…" Alex struggled to keep her voice low, but her concern for Bobby far outweighed any qualms she had about what other members of the Major Case Squad might hear or think.

He finally rose and followed her to an empty interrogation room. She quickly shut the door and stepped up to him.

"Listen to me," she said ferociously. "She can't hurt us…she can't touch us…we are too strong for her…we belong to each other…she has no hold on either of us…do you understand me?" Alex grabbed the lapels of Bobby's jacket.

Bobby, shocked at the vehemence in her voice, stared at her.

"Robert Goren, do you understand me?"

"Yes…yes…I understand."

"Ok." Alex released the lapels and stepped back. Her storm appeared to be over.

"Ok," he answered softly and reached for the door. Bobby paused and turned back to her. "Thank you, Alex."

As they moved back to their desks, Bobby and Alex were met by a grim-faced Mike Logan.

"I thought I saw you headed this way. Deakins is looking for you," he said. "You might be able to get away if you leave now…"

Alex smiled weakly. "Don't tempt us, Logan."

"Hey, say the word…I'll cover for you…say you had a call…" Both Alex and Bobby felt a wave of gratitude.

"Thanks, Logan," Bobby answered softly. "But it'd only postpone the inevitable."

"You guys need anything…let me know…" Logan stopped his hand just before it reached Bobby's shoulder.

"We know," Alex said.

Bobby didn't bother heading towards their desks, but moved straight to Deakins' office. Their captain opened the door and ushered in the two detectives. Bobby moved to stand in front of the window; Alex stood defiantly in front of the door.

"What's she done now?" Alex asked bitterly. "Suing Bobby for harassment?"

"Alex," Deakins said, employing his most soothing and professional tone.

Alex ignored him. "They said," she said, jerking her head towards Carver and Novak, "she couldn't hurt him again…that they'd fix it…" She shot a withering look at the two attorneys. "You promised."

"Detective," Carter ventured to speak in his most velvet tone.

"No! No!" Alex knew she was acting like a child, but at the moment she felt like a child—a horribly hurt and angry child.

Casey Novak blurted out, "She's dead."

Alex stood, stunned, her mouth open. Bobby jerked as if hit by a blow and stood in front of the window, his fist in front of his mouth.

"What happened?" Bobby's voice was a coarse whisper.

"She was found this morning in the entrance to the exercise area." Carver struggled to keep his voice calm and without passion. "She'd been…beaten…by another inmate…or inmates…there seems to be a cell block full of suspects."

"She was in protective custody…" Bobby's back still faced the room's occupants.

Carver sighed. "She was…but she'd raised objections about some of the privileges taken from her…She insisted she be allowed to at least occasionally leave her cell."

Silence fell in the room. Alex hoped for some feeling of resolution, but experienced only emptiness. Bobby was horribly still.

"There'll be an investigation of course," Deakins said. "Clearly somebody…several somebodies…messed up…but honestly…"

The captain didn't need to elaborate. Nicole lacked influence and money; she had attacked a NYPD detective. No one would regard her death as a major concern.

"Where…where is she?" Bobby asked. His voice was low and flat.

"At the Medical Examiner's office," Carver replied.

Bobby turned his head towards Deakins. "I…I…need to see…" Alex couldn't detect what was in his voice.

"Of course," Deakins said.

Bobby turned to face the captain. "Now…could I…"

Deakins nodded. "I'll call the M.E….let the office know you're coming…you and Alex take all the time you need."

Bobby looked at Alex as if he'd forgotten she was in the office. He tilted his head towards her, and Alex couldn't quite read the expression in his eyes. It seemed to be a combination of apology and regret. Bobby moved to the door.

"Detectives," Casey Novak said. "I'm sorry…"

Bobby turned to her. "Why?" he asked gently.

Confused, Novak stared at him for a moment. "I…I don't know," she finally answered. "It just seems…that Detective Eames…and especially you…someone owes you…"

Bobby gave her a strange, resigned smile. "Thank you, Ms. Novak."

Bobby said nothing during the trip to the medical examiner. He stared out the window, while Alex tried to sort out her feelings. Alex had occasionally indulged in fantasies involving various painful deaths for Nicole, but the actual event was leaving her empty and confused. As she parked the SUV, Alex studied Bobby. He was a blank, and the fact that she couldn't read his mood frightened her more than if he radiated fear or pain or anger.

"Bobby," she said as he unbuckled his safety belt. "Are you…what's going on?"

"I…I don't know," he answered after a moment. "I honestly don't know what I'm feeling…thinking…I just know that I have to see…I have to know…"

Alex rested her hand on his. "I understand," she whispered.

M.E. Rogers, coolly efficient as always, ushered them into the lab and handed Bobby a pair of gloves.

"Although I can't imagine you'll need them, Detective," she said. "It's classic blunt force trauma to the head…and it's not attractive."

Alex briefly wondered how much Rogers knew about Bobby's particular history with the body under the sheet. The M.E., aside from a genuinely happy "Good to have you back, Detective," had been her usual all business and cynical self in their encounters since Bobby's return to work. Alex knew that Bobby was enormously grateful that this was one relationship that was just as it had always been.

"Here she is," Rogers said, and pulled back the sheet.

Nicole's body lay ghostly and ghastly white against the steel table. Bruises covered her body, creating a horrible rainbow of green, purple, blue and grey. The right side of her head was unmarked, but the left was a swamp of flesh and bone and blood and gore. Alex found it difficult to find anything human in the mess, and, in spite of her extensive experience with crime scenes, she felt a wave of sickness pass through her. She looked away from the body to Bobby; he stood staring down at the head. His arms were folded, one fist jammed against his mouth. He was very still, but Alex sensed that his skin barely contained the emotions rushing through him.

"What can you tell from her injuries?" Bobby asked in a strained voice.

Rogers regarded him with some surprise; she'd expected him to begin his usual examination of a body.

"She was beaten before she was killed…probably several people…designed to put plenty of hurt on her but not knock her out…the fatal blow was probably the result of her head being slammed against the wall or on the floor…the human skull was never meant to bounce off concrete…" Rogers shed her gloves. "It's pretty straightforward, but I'll run the usual tox screens and tests…let me know if you find anything, Detectives…I've go a somewhat more complicated case waiting for me." She left Bobby and Alex with the horrible thing on the table.

Bobby finally broke from his pose and began his usual meticulous examination of a body. He sniffed at the wound and checked beneath the fingernails. Using tweezers, he probed the gory mass that was once part of Nicole's head. A viewer unfamiliar with Bobby and his investigative techniques might have found the examination unemotional, even cold, just as Alex had during the early days of her partnership with Bobby. But at some point in their early days—after her regretted transfer request—Alex had been struck by the realization that Bobby's examination of a body was not only a search for clues, but an attempt to honor the victim. He sought information from the body, but did so with a gentle touch, as if he wished to avoid inflicting any additional pain on the victim. As she watched Bobby examine Nicole's body, Alex saw his moves were tender, almost sensual. She shivered violently as she realized that the same hands gliding over this corpse were the ones that had danced across and given so much pleasure to her body the previous night.

Bobby looked up when he sensed Alex's shiver; he was, in spite of his seeming absorption in his work, intensely aware of his partner. He straightened.

"Are you ok?" He pulled off the gloves.

"Yea." Alex had recovered quickly. "You?"

"Rogers was right…looks like she was worked over and her head slammed…" Bobby swallowed. "There's nothing I can find…we need to wait for the report…"

"We?" Alex asked gently. "Is this really our case?"

Bobby reached for the lab door. "Yea…who else?"

Alex looked up at him. "Department of Corrections? Logan and Barek? Someone…anyone…else?"

Bobby stopped walking and looked down at her. "She…she was our case…"

"Bobby." She softly touched his arm. "They're not going to let us investigate this one. She's gone. She's out of our lives."

He pulled away from her.

"Bobby," she said softly. "Let it go…just let it go…"

He began walking towards the front door. "Alex…it's a murder…even if…"

Alex tried to understand what was swirling in her partner's mind. "You tried, Bobby…you tried to save her…but all she did was hurt you…she doesn't deserve your…"

Bobby spun through the front door and raced to the car. Alex followed and jumped in the driver's seat. He stared down at the floor.

"I…I…" he stuttered.

A rage rose in Alex; she took a deep breath and fought against it. She grabbed Bobby's arm. "Remember," she said firmly. "Us…together…"

His eyes were desperate, but Bobby heard her "Ok," he said.

They were in traffic before he spoke again. "You're right…no one in their right mind would let us near this case…and Deakins is definitely in his right mind…" Bobby stared out the window. "It's just…I…I feel as if…if I don't try to find out…she…I'll be like her."

Alex waited until they were in the relative safety of the parking garage before she spoke. "You," she said as she grabbed Bobby's hand, "are nothing like her. Nothing. You are a good man. You are not evil."

He couldn't meet her eyes.

Deakins motioned to them from his office before they had a chance to sit down.

"We can close this file." The captain tossed a large file on his desk. "Another inmate has confessed to killing Nicole Wallace…apparently rather proud of it…very young woman who gained a lot of status with her gang… Ms. Wallace made the wrong sort of enemies…"

"It's over," Alex said, not quite able to believe the words. "It's all over."

She looked over at Bobby; he sat slumped in a chair, and Alex couldn't read his dark eyes.

End Chapter 24


	25. Chapter 25

Again, many thanks for the kind reviews. FUGUE, by the way, refers to a condition similar to amnesia. Bobby's case doesn't follow all of the guidelines for this very rare condition, but some. This is the final chapter, and it's explicit. Now I have my Nicole fic out of my system and I solemnly swear I will never write another such thing again.

Chapter 25

"Yes, it's over," Deakins said gently. "Do you need some time?"

Alex felt strangely giddy. "I'd…I'd like to get back to work." She glanced at her partner; Bobby apparently was studying the view from the Captain's window.

"Bobby," Deakins said gently. "You ok?"

Bobby turned suddenly to them. "Uh…yea…I…I have a PT session this afternoon…" He stood up, his eyes on the floor; Alex thought she had never known a man so big who could look so small and alone. "I'm sorry, Captain…I keep….missing so much…"

"Bobby…it's all right…I'm more upset when you don't do what you need to take care of yourself." Deakins' voice was gentle and firm. "And your work is terrific…take the time you need."

They headed back into the office; Alex caught the glances of other officers as they moved to their desks. Bobby picked up his binder and coat.

"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I have to go…I'll be late…"

Alex knew he had plenty of time to make it to his session. He was running away.

"Bobby…" She leaned towards him.

"Please…" His voice was a rough whisper. "I…I…I'm sorry…I just need a little time…and space…I promise…I'll see you tonight…ok?" His eyes couldn't meet hers.

"I've got to trust him," Alex thought. "I have to let him have his own time…he lets me…I've got to trust…hope…there's enough…"

"Ok," Alex said. "Tonight…no matter how late…"

"Yes." His eyes finally met hers. "I promise."

She spent the rest of the day in a fog, filling out paperwork, filing and reviewing evidence, making certain that form A met the requirements so that form B could go on its way and no bad guy would walk through any loopholes. Around five Carolyn Barek took pity on Alex and dragged her away to dinner. To Alex's relief, Barek didn't attempt to ignore the elephant in the room.

"I'm just glad it's over," Alex said as she viciously speared a tomato.

Barek jabbed at some lettuce. "Look, Alex…if I'm sticking my nose in…just tell me…but I like you…and I like Bobby…"

Alex studied the tomato for a moment. "Don't worry…I won't go ballistic…"

"It's just…" Barek sat down her fork. "That it'll never be over for Bobby…it'll get better, but it strikes me that he doesn't easily get over most things…and all of this definitely doesn't fit under most things…and I'm not sure you should completely get over something like this…it'd indicate there's something wrong with you…"

Alex ceased tormenting the tomato. "Yea," she said. "I've been trying to figure out what I'm feeling…let alone trying to figure what Bobby's going through…I keep expecting…to feel something…good…she's gone now…"

"What do you feel?" Barek asked gently.

Alex smiled. "It's not bad enough I've got Bobby in my head," she said wryly.

Barek returned the smile.

"Really," Alex said. "I don't feel anything…except…"

"You're worried about Bobby," Carolyn said, and the tone of her voice told Alex that she and Bobby were safe with the other detective.

"Yea…he wanted to investigate her killing…funny, I guess, that I can't call it a murder…he said he had to…that if he didn't…he'd be like her…"

"Well," Barek said thoughtfully. "From what I've seen Bobby Goren has a highly developed if somewhat individualistic sense of morality…and trying to save your enemies seems to be part of it."

Her apartment's silence struck Alex when she entered it. "I miss him," she thought. "I miss Bobby." She fought the urge to call him. "No…I have to let him work things out…I can't hover over him…I have to let him come to me…for him to know that he can come to me…he knows I'm here…I have to trust him…" She brushed her teeth and shed her clothes and fell on her bed. She clutched what had become his pillow and realized how much she missed him. Bobby was not, for all of his size, a particularly noisy or annoying presence. They spent most of their evenings quietly reading (Alex had rediscovered her affection for Jane Austen) or watching movies (Bobby had introduced her to vibrant black and white movies that tended to end badly). But Bobby electrified the atmosphere of any room he entered.

Alex spun on her back. "Oh, Bobby," she cried, "I love you so much…but why does it have to be so complicated?"

She heard a faint click, and Alex's senses went on full alert. Her right hand instinctively felt for the small revolver she kept beneath the mattress, a legacy of her father's recommendation that a good cop always had a backup. Even as she fingered the metal, Alex knew the sound held no real threat. It was the sound of her key—or at least the key she gave to Bobby. She heard the sound of Bobby Goren trying not to make a sound. He performed a decent job of remaining silent as he approached her bedroom; Alex thought that if she had been asleep he probably wouldn't have awakened her. As he opened the door Alex huddled beneath the covers. She sensed a large bulk hovering over her and then felt his lips brush against her hair. The presence left, and Alex nearly cried out, but she heard the sounds of Bobby in the bathroom. Several moments later the bulk returned to the bedroom and Alex's heart left her throat and returned to a steady beat in her chest. Bobby shed his clothes, and, clad in his boxers, sat wearily on the bed. Alex rose slightly; Bobby immediately sensed her movement and tilted his head towards her.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I didn't mean to wake you up."

He smelled of toothpaste, soap and faintly of whiskey and beer. It was not an unpleasant combination.

"You didn't wake me up," Alex said gently. She rested a hand against his back and could feel his exhaustion and pain. "I wasn't asleep."

He rubbed a large paw across the back of his neck. "I'm sorry if I was in any way responsible for keeping you awake."

He swung his legs up and into the bed and fell back on the pillows. She gently placed a hand on his chest and one of his came to rest over it.

"Alex?"

"Yes."

His thumb moved softly over the back of her hand.

"Please…could we…make love?" The need and gentleness in the request shook Alex to her soul.

"Yes…yes…" she answered as soon as she could trust her voice.

He didn't move towards her, and a puzzled Alex was about to speak again when Bobby, his voice shaking, said, "Could you…would you…could you drive?"

Alex smiled. "Sure," she responded and kissed his chest.

"It's just," he whispered as his hands began weaving in and out of her hair. "I…I can't think…no…that's not it…I'm thinking too much…things are buzzing in my head…I can't get them to stop…Alex…please…"

Alex gently took his face in her hands and turned it to her.

"I'm glad…thrilled that you're here…that you came to me…that you trust me…I'll do whatever I can…whatever you need…I love you."

He raised his head slightly so that his forehead touched hers.

"Please," he said, his voice dripping with need and want. "Please…Alex…help me…make it stop…"

Alex kissed him deeply, and it calmed him. As her tongue gently opened his mouth she heard and felt his deep moan. She kissed his nose and brushed her lips across his eyes, pausing to feel the flutter of his lashes against her lips.

"I love your eyes," she murmured. "They're so beautiful…like chocolate…and your lashes…lashes that long are wasted on a man…"

She kissed his cheek and, nibbling and licking the soft skin beneath the stubble, moved down his neck.

"Oh," Bobby cried in pleasure as she reached the point where his collarbone met his chest.

Alex smiled. "That's one of your spots too…" She sat up and pulled her shirt over her head. Bobby hesitantly raised his hands to her breasts; Alex covered his hands with hers.

"I love your hands, too," she whispered. For a brief, awful moment she remembered what those hands had been doing earlier, but she banished the thought. "After all," Alex thought, "my hands go to equally terrible places."

"Alex?" His voice betrayed his alarm at her silence and stillness.

She languidly stretched across his body.

"It's ok," she said. "Like you…too many thoughts…"

She rested in his arms for a few moments, thrilling to the feel of his skin and hair against her breasts. She moved slowly back and forth across his body, and Bobby uttered a strange sound halfway between a purr and a growl. Alex smiled at him.

"Hey, tiger," she said.

Bobby, the thoughts in his mind beginning to ease, smiled back at her. "Not the animal it suggests to me," he said. "Maybe a bear…big old bear…"

Alex's hands played with his chest hair. "No…big, beautiful, brave bear," she whispered. She reached down to pull down his boxers; Bobby lifted his hips to help her remove them. Alex took a deep breath.

"I…I love this part, too." Cautiously, deliberately, tenderly, Alex touched the back of Bobby's shoulder. Her fingertips connected with just enough pressure to feel the scar there. Bobby stiffened, and for a moment Alex could see the struggle in his eyes. He swallowed, and then slowly turned on his stomach. Alex released a breath she wasn't aware she was holding and gently glided a hand down Bobby's back. He shivered slightly, but didn't pull away from the touch. She kissed the back of his neck and rained kisses down his neck and back, occasionally stopping to lave some of the scars with her tongue and to massage the muscles with her fingers. Bobby's muscles loosened beneath her hands and his breathing eased. She reached the small of his back, where his hips started and his back ended, and where all of his tension and fear nested.

"This is a nice spot, too," she whispered, and she kissed and rubbed it until Bobby's pain seeped away.

"You know," Alex said as she finally pulled away from Bobby's body and shed her panties, "it's a struggle…but I can usually keep my mind on work at work…but sometimes…when I see you from the back…and I think of what's under that suit…" her hands lovingly glided over Bobby's hips, and joy filled her when he didn't flinch "…especially these…" She kissed his shoulders.

Bobby trembled slightly.

"All right?" Alex's hands hovered over him.

"Yes…it's wonderful…" His voice was low and rough and muffled by the pillow.

"Here…I'll be your blanket…" Alex crawled over him and draped her body over his back, her small frame covering as much of his large one as it could.

"Alex…I love you so much." She could barely hear him; his voice was coarse with emotion. "I…I trust you…" His body shook, and Alex felt tear on her cheeks. "I've never trusted anyone like this…" She heard the tears in his voice. "I've always trusted you with my life…but now…I…I trust you with my heart…my soul." Bobby's voice broke, and Alex clung to him. She wanted to merge with him, to blend with him and disappear inside him.

"Oh, Bobby," she cried softly and buried her face in his neck. A desperate need to see his eyes seized her. Alex rose and pushed gently on one of his shoulders. He turned on his back and blinked at her; she softly touched his tear streaked cheek. She kissed him and cautiously and tenderly touched his cock.

"And this," she said, "of course is one of my favorite parts."

Bobby smiled. "I'm pretty fond of that part, too."

Alex's hands played up and down Bobby's cock, letting her fingers glide up and down the silky shaft and cup his balls. Bobby groaned and thrust into her hand; he was fully erect and his eyes glazed. She pulled her hand away, and he moaned at the loss of contact.

"Alex…please…"

"Hey, you said I could drive…" Alex kissed the tip of his cock, and his moans grew deeper.

"Please…Alex…inside…I want to be inside you…"

"I…I want you inside me, too," Alex whispered, and slowly and deliberately kissed her way up his body until she was draped over Bobby's chest. She sat up, her legs on either side of him, and began to slide down his body until she reached his cock.

"Alex…condom…I…"

"We're safe," she answered, and carefully lowered her body on Bobby's cock. He cried in pleasure and started to thrust inside her, but her hand on his chest stopped him.

"Please…wait…a little…Bobby," she gasped.

His hands grasped her breasts. "Alex…please…oh…"

She caught one of his hands and guided it down to the soft curls between her legs. Both she and Bobby cried out as she brought their fingers inside her along side his cock. Alex nearly screamed in pleasure as she pressed Bobby's fingers against her clit and his cock; inspired by Alex's cries and expressions of joy, Bobby thrust inside her. Waves of pleasure hit them both. Alex's orgasm hit her first, and it shattered her. She fell forward just as Bobby shouted out and drove into her; she collapsed on his chest as he fell into a blissful, blessed oblivion.

Alex slowly came back; surrounded by a wonderful haze, she rested on Bobby's heaving chest. She became aware of an annoying cramp in her right arm, which was pressed along with Bobby's left arm between their bodies. She rose shakily and pulled their arms, their fingers intertwined, away. She took several tissues from the box near the bed and wiped off their hands. Bobby's eyes were open but unclear. Alex tossed the tissues in the wastebasket and began to trace a gentle path around Bobby's jaw and chin. He blinked and looked at her; his trembling arms came around her.

"Thank you," he whispered.

"Better?" she asked.

"Much…that was…I should let you drive more often…"

Alex chuckled and rolled off Bobby's chest. "Damn straight," she said.

A wicked smile crossed Bobby's face. "Did it get crowded down there?" One of his hands strayed between Alex's legs.

Alex grinned at him. "I think I had control of the situation."

"C'mon," Bobby said. "Join me in the shower."

Roughly a half hour later a very clean Alex rested in Bobby's arms. "I'm going to have to talk my landlord into getting me a bigger hot water heater," she murmured. She looked at Bobby. "Ok?"

"Yea…"

She sensed the "but" in his voice.

"You can tell me…or not…whatever you need Bobby…"

"I know." He stared at the ceiling as his hands wove in and out of her slightly damp hair. "I…I need to talk…think out loud…about…her…Nicole…I'm sorry, Alex…I…"

She touched his cheek. "It's ok." She took a deep breath. "I think I need to hear you."

A long pause followed, and Alex half feared, half hoped that Bobby had changed his mind.

"In spite of what she thought…said…I was never attracted to her…at least not to Nicole Wallace…maybe for a moment when I first met her…when I thought she was Elizabeth Hitchens…that sparkling little girl…" He choked for a moment. "But once I knew what she was…what she did…never…when I knew what had been done to her…I felt pity…but I never…I know you thought I got too wrapped up in hear head…"

"Yea," Alex said quietly.

"I didn't excuse her…but I did underestimate her malevolence…her damage…her intelligence…I thought I had my mom protected…and the idea someone would use her to hurt me…it just didn't…she knocked me off balance…and if it wasn't for you…" His hands briefly ceased roaming through her hair. "I…I don't know what I would have done."

Alex held him tightly.

"She didn't realize…how important you are to me…until you testified…you were off her radar until then…but then…I saw it in the courtroom…she saw how lost I was without you…the next time we brought her in…and she attacked you…I knew…" Bobby brushed his lips against Alex's hair. "I was so afraid…she hated you so much, Alex…because she saw you as some rival…because you were close to me…because you're good…" He shivered. "When she had me…she wanted to get you, too…to hurt you…I was so afraid…that I'd break…that she'd get her hands on you…they…if they had…" Alex could hear the terror in Bobby's voice.

"But it didn't happen," she said gently. "You were strong…much stronger than she thought."

There was a pause. "I don't know how strong," Bobby said finally. "But you're right…it didn't happen…Thank God…" He clung to her. "I never sought her out…you know that…"

"Yes," Alex said. "She's the one who kept coming back…even when she could've gotten away…even when she was happy…or at least as happy as she could be."

"Part of that," Bobby said, "was that I saw what she really was…and why she was the way she was…and…I think she also underestimated me…she certainly underestimated you…" There was a note of pride in his voice. "But…the main reason…" Bobby swallowed. "She hated me because…because she couldn't understand…"

"Why you weren't like her," Alex said gently.

"Yea," Bobby said softly. "And the truth is…I'm not sure…" His voice was low and rough. "I'm not sure…I understand why…I'm not like her…"

Alex sat up suddenly. "Robert Goren," she said firmly and furiously, "You are nothing like…"

Bobby pulled away from her. "Alex…please…listen… please…I gotta work this out…I have to think…" He rose from the bed and began pacing beside it. "This haunts me…not just Nicole…but others…" He stopped and stared down at Alex, his mind racing. "I can't tell her this…" he thought. "She'll leave…even as good as she is…but I have to tell her the truth…I have to…if this is going to work, I have to be honest…"

"Bobby…" Alex struggled to control her voice. "You not like them…you are a good man…"

He resumed pacing by the bed. "But…why…why did I survive…and they didn't…what if I become…like them…"

A straggled cry of protest came from Alex.

"Please…Alex…you don't know…I could…" There was pain in his voice and posture. "I could have been any of them…that rage…hatred…I almost…"

"But you didn't," Alex said. "You aren't…you won't."

"Look," he said. He resigned to accept his fate. "I…when I was a kid…it…I don't think it was as bad as what happened to Nicole…" His voice shook and he couldn't look at Alex. "I…I…was never sexually abused…but…but…"

"Oh, help me," Alex thought. "Help me to do the right thing here…"

The words boiled out of Bobby. "My mom…as sick as she was…she never hit me…sometimes…she yelled at me…when I didn't see or hear the things she saw and heard…she'd lock me in a closet now and then…but it wasn't too bad, really…"

"Not too bad!" Alex couldn't contain her thoughts.

Bobby scarcely heard her; he was lost in memories. "But my dad…when he didn't ignore me…there were a few moments…when…he could be charming and great…but…when he was drunk…or angry…" The long buried words tumbled from him. "And more and more of the time he was drunk and angry more and more…he'd hit me…my brother sometimes, but me mostly…his belt was his favorite weapon…with the belt buckle…and my brother…he…he imitated him…"

Bobby swallowed. "I started hoping…praying…that they'd just ignore me…"

"Bobby." Whatever anger Alex felt was gone. She reached for him, but he jerked away.

"There were times…when mom was really sick and dad wasn't around…I was in protective care…I guess it says something that I was glad to be there…at least I got fed and could get some sleep…"

Alex felt tears forming in her eyes; she knew Bobby's childhood had been rough, but not this horrible. The Eames household was not without its shouting matches, but Alex always knew she was loved and she was always fed.

"I got in trouble when I was a kid…nothing really horrible…the Army…it saved me…I…it was the first time in a long time someone really cared about where I was and when I got there…" Bobby ceased his wild march across her carpet and leaned over a chair. "I stayed away for a long time…didn't take any leaves…my mom…" His shoulder heaved. "My mom was institutionalized…I didn't…couldn't deal with it…I…I just didn't want to deal with her…or my dad…or my brother…I'd enlisted when I was 17…my dad signed the papers…I think he was glad to get rid of me…It was three years before I came back…" He resumed his restless pacing. "I'd gotten my diploma…started studying languages…the Army found out I had a brain…and they wanted it and they trained it…I was starting to take college level courses…I was a sergeant…I was still a kid in a lot of ways…but I was stronger…I'd been trained…I came home…tried to help my mom…and ran into my brother…he was trying to get money from my mom…" Bobby laughed bitterly. "Like my mom had anything…he turned to me…gave me some story…the first of a lot…so I lent him some…he turned up later that evening with my dad in tow…so we went out…and I thought…maybe things had changed…it'd been three year…and maybe they'd see that…that I wasn't worthless."

He stopped pacing and stared out the window.

"Bobby," Alex whispered. "You're…you're not worthless…it was them…"

"We went to a bar, of course…several, actually…I didn't drink that much…we'd left one…we were in the alley behind it…and they were both riding me because I wasn't drinking…I said something pretty mild about not liking it…and my dad said I was still a disrespectful bastard and he was going to teach me a lesson…and he took his belt off and started to hit me…" Bobby shook violently. "It all…all the times…all the times I smelled women on him and he hit me and yelled at me and told me my mom's illness was my fault and the times he didn't come to the games and told me I was a mama's boy…all of it came to me…and I hit him…and he went down…just right down on the ground…and my brother slugged me and then I hit him and either I hit him really hard or he was really drunk but he didn't get up. I think they were both surprised that I had turned on them and could hit them that hard. And then I was on my father, screaming at him and just hitting him over and over again. I could have killed him…with my bare hands…I wanted to kill him…"

Alex sat stunned.

Bobby turned to her. "I…I'm not that different, Alex…I understand how…what can happen…"

His dark eyes glistened from his terribly white face.

"But you didn't, Bobby…you didn't kill him…that's the difference…Nicole…all the others…they gave in…they surrendered." Alex believed the words as she spoke them; she only hope she could convince Bobby to share in her belief. "You…you took the horrible things to help you understand…to help you to fight…to make things better for others."

"Nicole…" he whispered. "She saw it…she…"

Alex rose from the bed and strode to Bobby. She grabbed his face. "She would…because she was incapable of good…so she couldn't see it in another…I won't lie to you, Bobby…I've seen that darkness in you…and it scares me…but not because I think you'll use it against me or anyone else but because I'm afraid you'll let it destroy you. But I also see your goodness…your bravery…"

The shadows began to lift from his eyes. "You…you're not afraid…you're not running away…"

"Bobby," Alex said firmly. "You love me…"

"Yes…oh yes…"

"Why do you love me?"

"I…I…because you're good and smart and tough and beautiful and funny…because you're…you're you…"

"I love you. And, strangely enough," she risked a smile, "I love you for the same reasons. So, if I'm good and smart that must mean you're good, right?"

Bobby's head spun. "Uh…I'm not sure I follow the logic, Alex…"

She pulled him to the bed. "Don't worry about it…just let it go…let it go…"

Exhausted and grateful, Bobby let go and fell into bed with her. He clung to her until he fell asleep.

Faint music and sunshine streaking across their faces woke them.

"What's that?" Bobby asked groggily.

"New neighbor…she plays the cello…it must be late…she doesn't practice until after nine or so…" Alex yawned. "Good thing we have the day off."

Bobby listened intently. "She's good…and she's playing Bach…I like Bach…I like the way he takes individual strands and puts them together…He turns chaos into music…Bach makes sense."

Alex smiled at him. "Sorta like us."

The End


End file.
